It's remarkable to me how resilient our own hearts can be...Tuesday, when my S12 left, I thought my heart was going to tear into a million pieces...and I felt like it was just too much, too much for one person, for one year...to lose my wife, work, to have my little family torn apart, to have my S12 move 2500 miles away, to break a rib, tear an ACL, move into a small apartment, hit rock-bottom financially, lose faith in myself...lose faith in love...it felt like it would be impossible to sit as I am this morning, thinking about what to do next...how to make this work...how to continue to work on my life and my situation so that all this darkness, all this destruction, will yield to something new, something built on a new foundation, and that stands firm in a better light.
My circumstances seem like they will always be a bit stranger now. S2's birthday is coming up in a few weeks - and it's on a day that he usually spends with me. Since I think it would be unfair to keep him from his mother that day, I offered to split the day with her - so that we could each celebrate his birthday with him. She responded by asking if she and I could have a joint birthday party for him...which just cannot happen...My friends don't care much for her at all - in fact, many of them have much harsher impressions of her than I - and even get a bit impatient with me when I show any compassion for her at all...beyond that, I just can't imagine being in the company of someone who has insulted me while holding my son in her arms, who has told lies about me to her friends and family, and who has repeatedly threatened to call the police any time I disagree with her about how to parent my baby boy.
While it would be wonderful if we were in a position to have a joint party for S2 - as I've done in the past with S12's mom - I just don't trust B enough - and I also don't think it would even be possible to coordinate anything with her...since she has shown a repeated pattern of selfishness and a complete willingness to take advantage of my love for my S2 at any turn.
I think S2 would have a much happier birthday without a lot of tension among the adults around him...and so I plan on having a party for him on the morning of his birthday - and suggested that she have a party for him the following day...just so he's not too nuts from too much cake...Though she could still pick him up earlier than usual from me on the day of his birthday...we shall see...
As for S12 - he sounds so happy and excited. He's already made a superb impression on his new soccer team (is playing in a tournament this weekend) - and sounds thrilled to be seeing so many new things. He's an incredible boy...and it's such a joy to hear his enthusiasm for life - and to see him excel in so many ways.
Funny thing...yesterday, and S2's daycare, one of his teachers stopped me and said that S2 has been very stubborn and moody lately. Saying no a lot and not wanting to do anything anyone tells him to do...she then added, "he not like you're other son. You're older boy is quiet and sweet, like you, he's more like..." and then she didn't finish her sentence...What she doesn't know is that S12 was also like that when he was 3 - he was stubborn, tough, determined and independent...and yet he's matured into a remarkable boy. I think the same can happen for S2 - besides that, when he's with me, he's very calm and always listens...I think they just have a different approach with him at school than I do with him at home...oh...and he also had a cold (which his mother didn't tell me about - and which I had to learn from the teacher when I picked him up yesterday...though B knew he had a cold, as she dropped him off with cough medicine...so frustrating. I sent her a note asking her to inform me if he has a cold in the future...and she did not respond...
