Ok, let me see if I can explain this. The number one reason to GAL….no matter what the outcome may be, if you GAL you won’t be able to look back and say “Wow, I regret all that time I wasted.”. IF you were to divorce that could be a regret, wasted time waiting. If you reconcile, still, wasted time waiting. Second reason to GAL…..If your H thinks you are still sitting at home, crying and waiting for his call or appearance, that’s a turn off for a good guy…..for a disgusting jerk, it makes him smirk and feel a control over you. Either outcome, not good for you. So got get a life. Do something. Third reason, it’s just good for your mind, heart and soul. If you are out doing stuff, you can’t be calling him and less chance you are worried or wondering about him. (But I do know and understand completely how H can just POP right into your mind at the most odd unexpected moments.) The final reason for GALing….this is the hard one to explain….you have the ability to push H’s buttons. He has the ability to push your buttons. When we hear “push buttons” we think about it in a negative way….but it’s really not just negative, it can be, but doesn’t have to be. You can “push positive buttons” too. GALing is one way to do that. If you tell H, “You know what, take your broke a$$ and get out of my face. You suck”….negative pushing. If you say “Hey, thanks for calling me, I’m out with some friends can I call you back? Is everything ok? Great, I’ll call you soon.” That’s a neutral to curious provoking push. If you call him later as you said you would, he answers you FIRST tell him “Hey, I was out with girlfriends, we saw this hysterical movie, you have to see it!” And then you give him the gist, that’s a positive button you pushed. It relaxes him. Or it makes him think “Hey, she can’t have fun without me” and it might just get you more time with him….if you can fit him into your busy schedule! If you are out GALing, you are not at home getting mad being sad. That makes your interactions with him and really everyone better.
When you go out and get a life, he’ll be more prone to want to be a part of yours because the pressure to be your whole world is completely off of him. No one wants that. We want to be cared for and given attention. We don’t want to be given the responsibility to being someone’s happiness. And with the way you’ve pursued him, you have given him the impression, he’s the end all be all.
Does this make sense? I have a really hard time trying to explain this. And that’s how you are the greener grass.
If there are/is OW(s), no I don’t think you do things differently. The probability of that playing itself out and ending is high. Keep in mind how many immature needy people are out there on the dating scene. Be confident you are the better choice over all of them. You were once…why aren’t you now?
With my H and his ex OW…he told me flat out You are the prize and you are the better woman on every level from appearance to the kind of people you are.
But now, I think my H is having ego issues! LOL! Now he just wants to know he wasn’t a joke, someone to keep her from being completely bored at work….I think he’s taking it very hard and having a wee bit of a nutty about it. Nothing I can do but stay out of his way. He does have a pretty big ego. Tough spot.
In terms of owning what you’ve done in the marriage…I don’t really know that you can “tell” H anything. You might be able to apologize but even then, you aren’t “telling” him anything because he probably does NOT believe you. My H flat out told me, in very clear easy to understand English: “but i still can't trust that all that isn't bs. i still can't trust that it won’t all crumble in a second. so i still am not sure. and it's going to take time to get sure.” That means he wants to wait and watch. He wants to see how I react in certain and all situations. And he wants to see that more than once. He wants to know the changes are truly changes, not temporary band aids to bring him back around and then revert back the “old days”.
Now here’s the tricky part….he may not want to see your changes. I was lucky, I often enough thought and felt deep in my heart thought and felt that my H did want to save us, but not the current us, the very beginning us with some new improvements. There were times I thought “Ok, this is done…wonder when I will get the papers” but then checkered in all of that, I felt differently. I felt hope. It was very motivating.
Another way I was the greener grass as you say….and this is a decision for each person in each different situation….H and I continued to ML. We stopped for about three weeks in January….but otherwise, I made the choice with advice from my DB coach and my therapist to keep him close that way. We’ve always done well there. If the success of a marriage was based on the kind of sex life you have, well then H and I would be the ideal couple destined to be married for a long time with few to 0 issues. But it’s not and here I am. LOL!
Every day is a challenge with new issues possibly. So just keep up the PMA and keep moving forward. Continue to concentrate on the great things in your life and be happy when you do hear from him. Be strong.
