I wish I had had this forum 1 1/2 months ago when I was begging and grovelling and calling my wife at OMs house. My actions didn't help things much I suspect.
Na, if I were her I'd want some groveling. 1 1/2 months is fine.
Actually, I'm not sure what you mean here either? Are you saying that I should have been grovelling and calling her at OM's house 1 1/2 months ago? She seemed pretty POed about it then.
Are you saying I should still be doing it?
NO!!!! I was half-kidding...I'm sorry. Just trying to add some levity. I really do think that is a relatively small amount of time though and not much damage done. You put it out there and you experienced some of what she went through, so it is fine but NO, at this juncture, none of that.
It appears to me that he is actually using his kids and our kids as leverage in all of this. I think that's wrong but again I want to take the high road...hard....sigh.
The truth is it may work out better for you if they are including the kids all the time. Remember. They aren't his kids. Once he starts to try and tell her how to discipline her kids or hears "you aren't my daddy", she may start to question what she is doing. The kids could actually work in your favor here. Trying to have a "love relationship" with a bunch of kids from two different families will make this HARDER to succeed.
I would let it play out. It won't be all love and romance with the kids all vying for attention. He is trying to impress her now by using the kids to show her what a great guy he is. That will wear off quick. Kids don't let up. He WILL make some huge mistakes and probably start to tell her how to "handle them". This will make her resent him more and more.
In the meantime, it would be wise for you to go out when you don't have them and have some fun. Having some fun isn't gonig to hurt your situation.
I completely agree. Keep your boundaries, like the FB thing, but it's only a matter of time before he screws up. If anyone other than family gave me their opinion about how to raise my S, there'd be minimum a dirty look, openly. Worst case scenario, it would get ugly verbally.
And the ILY's....I'd stop too. It's pressure.
The compliments....if it's geniune and appropriate, like she has a new dress, new hair cut, I say OK. But to compliment to compliment her looks like you're trying to compete with this guy and you have to take the attitude that you're better than him and you're just patiently waiting for her to figure out what you already know.
Because it is pursuing and it is a no-no in the book. I am trying to think of how that would feel to me and I think it would be...not good. I might like H to notice very specific things but not sure. The less you say the better, most likely.
Even now, I have lost interest in hearing H compliment and I don't even have a boyfriend. I just feel like, what's the point? What do you want from me?
So, really when you compliment her, I suppose it exhibits that you have an agenda...everything is loaded. Does that make sense?
OK thanks for clarifying. That helps. Sometimes this stuff seems so clear and other times not!
There have only been a couple ILYs like on the end of an email kind of thing, not f2f. She believes I love her and acknowledges that.
The You look pretty thing is more like when she gets a haircut..."your hair looks nice" or when she changes a profile pic..."that's one of the best pics of you, you look pretty in that"
As I write this and think about it, there is definitely pursuit in my actions. I've been around her a lot more over the last 1-2 weeks. We always do lots of fun stuff with the kids before school starts and also school shopping. I have invited her to join the kids and I for a couple of things and she has had plans or declined for whatever reasons. In general our contact and communication has increased significantly in the last few weeks and she seems to be happy with this. Am I losing my way here?
I have read DR, maybe I need to reread. Applying the principles seemed hard because the book is not really written for people in my sitch.
I do much better at applying things when I understand the principles behind them. That's why I often need to discuss.
Last edited by RedSoxFan; 08/25/0912:54 PM.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
The truth is it may work out better for you if they are including the kids all the time. Remember. They aren't his kids. Once he starts to try and tell her how to discipline her kids or hears "you aren't my daddy", she may start to question what she is doing. The kids could actually work in your favor here. Trying to have a "love relationship" with a bunch of kids from two different families will make this HARDER to succeed.
WOW! I hadn't thought of that at all. She's already agreed to pull them way back from him. I could see how it might have played out if I'd left it alone. Now I could potentially have her bitter at me for taking her away from him AND not get the benefit of the possibility you described above.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
No, I still think you played it right. I think putting him in a position to see the kids less he'll speed things up and maybe try to show he's a good father figure. I think you're right on target there.
I have invited her to join the kids and I for a couple of things and she has had plans or declined for whatever reasons. In general our contact and communication has increased significantly in the last few weeks and she seems to be happy with this. Am I losing my way here?
She usually turns you down but you have concluded that she is happy with the increased contact, how do you figure?
The You look pretty thing is more like when she gets a haircut..."your hair looks nice" or when she changes a profile pic..."that's one of the best pics of you, you look pretty in that"
H sent me an email saying that I looked hot in my profile pic...made me cringe. Gave me a slight ego boost but really felt kind of pervy under the circumstances. I would stick to in person compliments if any and be sincere and specific. But you don't really need this right now. IMO.
