Need Advice, WAW wants to give it a month

[SDFoundGirl]

she s maybe going out once a week was too much. I told her that for the last 2-3 mths..it has been work late one or 2 nights plus go out and that it wasn't fair to the kids or me being the babysitter on call...she agreed (hence selfish).

While I agree that the number above is excessive, I do NOT agree that once a week is uncalled for. Part of what has help my H and I rebuild a happy M is that we give each other the space to do separate GAL activities as well as ones together.

My H meets up with his brother and a friend of his once a week to go out for dinner and drinks. They geek out about music, sports and politics, and H gets some guy time. I find I actually look forward to those evenings as I get to skip making a proper dinner and watch a show my H doesn't particularly care for. He goes out, he gets home, we're both in a good mood, and H is getting a need met that I can't meet (I'm not a sports fan or as passionate about music as he is.)

Likewise, I generally will go spend a few hours with one of my friends to do art, go get coffee, or just gab a while. While I'm gone, H enjoys having the house to himself, plays music, works on his projects, etc. I come back in a great mood, and we reconnect after that.

Of course, we also do things as a couple with these other people. But the independent activities are essential. It's in those spaces that we remember most who we are as individuals...not as moms/dads or wives/husbands. Quite honestly, I think the freedom and respect my H and I give each other in this area is a big reason why neither of us has had crushing MLC. He dropped the bomb on me but quickly recovered to work on the M, and while I have twinges (like wanting to shout do-over repeatedly, LOL), I am really happy with my life and looking forward to the rest of it.

So, instead of calling her selfish for wanting some individual time, maybe what's needed are some agreements and boundaries about what's healthy for your M? For you as people? Maybe she needs to give you the respect of lead-time...because who knows, maybe you might have plans. Schedule it in advance so it's not a last minute dump on the person there to watch the kids and figure out dinner.

About working late...is that an expectation of the job? If so, maybe a better approach would be if you talked about how those late nights are impacting the M, and maybe the solution is finding a job that respects its employees' home lives.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way...I just think that some (not as much as your W seems to be doing) regular independent activities are healthy for a M and it might come back to bite you in the booty if she gives it up out of guilt.

Seek consensus, fairness, and understanding.

SD