WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[antlers]

There is no justification for the cheating and it was complete dishonesty to say she tried. She lied and cheated and her halo is dented.

What she said!

[confusedinpa]

There is no justification for the cheating and it was complete dishonesty to say she tried. She lied and cheated and her halo is dented.

Problem is right now she is still carrying on as the victim to her friends and family and living this life that the woman I had married never would have lived.

I do know what I want relative to the kids - to make sure that they will be the best that they can be through this situation. I want to keep them away from any influence or potential harm that they may be exposed to as a result of the path she has chosen. What I don't know is what that answer is. My gut says to get them away from her situation as much as possible, while I know the boys need to see their mom.

I don't see any signs of remorse, rather more of relief that she doesn't have to hide it from me any more. I don't know for sure since I haven't seen nor talked to her since the confrontation, but that's what my gut is saying.

I didn't get to skype my boys tonite as she had them just call me instead. Not sure why, but I also know I can't blame her for everything. My boys were in the middle of playing a board game so I suspect they didn't want to stop. I do understand as they are just kids enjoying their lives in this maddness so I know they don't know how much it means to me to be able to see them. I do have my pictures though.

Talking and venting about this does help and I appreciate all the support I have gotten from everyone on this board. It amazes me the kindness of people on this board that take the time to post and call/chat.

Thank you

[antlers]

There is no justification for the cheating and it was complete dishonesty to say she tried. She lied and cheated and her halo is dented.

Problem is right now she is still carrying on as the victim to her friends and family and living this life that the woman I had married never would have lived.
I don't see any signs of remorse, rather more of relief that she doesn't have to hide it from me any more. I don't know for sure since I haven't seen nor talked to her since the confrontation, but that's what my gut is saying.

Talking and venting about this does help and I appreciate all the support I have gotten from everyone on this board. It amazes me the kindness of people on this board that take the time to post and call/chat.

Thank you

Detatch, my man! We've got NO CONTROL over what they think, say, or do. We've got NO CONTROL over their thoughts, feelings, or actions. So, DON'T BOTHER trying!
We do have COMPLETE CONTROL over what we think, say, and do. We have COMPLETE CONTROL over own own thoughts, feelings, and actions...so, we need to focus on the things that we DO have control over.
"I don't know for sure..." - Then deal with what you KNOW, and leave the uncertainties alone. Why put the added burdens on yourself of worrying about things you're unsure of...instead of just dealing with 'what is'?
Then stay here and talk about it, and vent...because you do have alot of support here on this board. I'll have some good thoughts for you too, CIPA...and I'm sorry that you're having to deal with the things that you are.

[confusedinpa]

Thanks antlers.

I know almost every here is dealing with some really crappy things. I do appreciate the support I get from everyone.

It just eats me up what has happened to in my life. Not looking to do a woe's me pity party, but more of anger that things have come to this.

I was suppose to have a call with my therapist tonite, but it's 30 minutes past the time and I haven't heard from her and all I've gotten was her voice mail. I'm really bumming as I wanted to speak with her as it has helped. I'm going to bail and try to call my friends and family to talk. It is just so hard to deal with all the churning inside me. I know talking and posting helps.

I had really thought I had gotten past all the crying and the hurt and the pain in my gut. It has all come back just like it was when she hit me with the bomb of filing for divorce in January. Now I'm starting all over.

I just don't know how to snap myself out of this funk. I just feel like a failure. But I do know I have to focus on what I still have, not just what I have lost. Problem is I don't know what I still have.

[antlers]

I had really thought I had gotten past all the crying and the hurt and the pain in my gut. It has all come back just like it was when she hit me with the bomb of filing for divorce in January. Now I'm starting all over.

I just don't know how to snap myself out of this funk. I just feel like a failure. But I do know I have to focus on what I still have, not just what I have lost. Problem is I don't know what I still have.

You DID get past all the crying and the hurt and the pain in your gut. Then you got hit, big-time, with another bomb...
You're gonna get past all the crying and the hurt and the pain in your gut this time too! Like last time though...it takes time.

You'll get out of this 'funk' too! Time...that's the key, my man. And you know how to pass the time...workin' on you! You're no failure! Do what's best for you, and your kiddos...with no expectations. Do it because it's the right thing to do, and for no other reason.

You got OK before, and you're gonna be OK again. Be kind to yourself, and be patient with yourself.

[confusedinpa]

I got a pretty good nite sleep last nite. Finally went to bed before 1:00 AM. Spent a lot of time talking with family, friends and other supporters.

Tomato brought up a good point in our chat last nite - I can't just keep talking about the nonsense/crap. I need to focus on the other things that are important as well.

It reminded me of Stronger sharing with me what her mother asked her, if you knew that your spouse was coming home some day, what would you would be doing right now? Once you decide what that is, why wouldn't I do that right now? (She said it alot more eloquently than I put it, but I hope you get the point).

It has been an extremely tough 24/36 hours, but for now, I feel like I'm not sinker any deeper into this funk and may be starting to rise out of it.

I need to keep reminding myself that I was fine before I was with my wife. I was fine when I was with my wife. And I will be fine in the future, no matter if I'm with my wife or not.

I've had a lot of scud missles hit me in life. And quite a few of them this year. But I survived the earlier hits and have made myself better following all of them.

So, I need to focus and enjoy my life with what I have - my boys, my family and my friends. I owe it to them to be the best that I can be.

Thanks for putting up with all the venting....

[Tomato]

What I do know is that next week, for the transition, my goal is to get my head on right so I can do it without needing my friends to do it for me. I'm not sure what type of attitude I should show her.

Hey cipa

good morning buddy. Just wanted to let you know that I think that this is a really good aspiring goal that you set up. Are you doing anything to mentally or other wise prepare for this to take place as you would like it to.

Consider showing her what you know to be true . And that is that you are rebounding to soon be a strong, confident, proud, loving and positive man. That is what I think you should do your best to try and convey. It of course will also tie into the initial phases of the quest for forgiveness towards her and her despicable behavior and utter betrayal. Like it or not that journey and lengthy quest for total foregiveness is a necessary one for the health and well being of you and your family. One step at a time when you feel up to those steps my friend.

I will be continuing to pray for you and the family.

T

ps As always, it was nice to talk to you last night.

[Tomato]

Problem is right now she is still carrying on as the victim to her friends and family and living this life that the woman I had married never would have lived.

Don't be trying to take on her problems cipa, clearly this is her problem and her's alone to do with whatever she will do. She is sick and her problems reflect that. But the key is that they are her problems and not your's.


Not sure if you have been but if not then I would suggest giving thought to praying for your W. She is in a horrible place whether she knows it or not. I will be praying theat the darkness that she has been living for some time will be illuminated with God's light and His love. His is obviously an unconditional love that we can all learn plenty from.

May the Lord keep you well.

T

[theroadback]

The lack of sleep is probably magnifying things. I read where insomnia affects everything. It causes us to be way more emotional about things than we would be had we slept. I have noticed it myself.

The problem is that sometimes you get into a circle when your upset and cant sleep and then lack sleep causes you be more upset etc…

Hang in there man your only 41, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't let this...this well I dont what call her at this point, cause you any more pain. You do not deserve it.

[confusedinpa]

Thanks for all the support everyone.

I had been really run down since I've started this new job, with the commuting back and forth each week, as well as dealing with the emotions of being so far away from my boys and finding out about the BS that my wife has been pulling.

Guess it really caught up with me over the last 36 hours of letting all hit me.

I know it may sound horrible but I have stopped not just praying for wife to return home as well as stopped praying for my wife period. Perhaps I've slipped into a darker part of me than I should and really need to think about that.

She hasn't contacted me at all today. Not sure what she is doing nor do I care.

I know I need to move full steam ahead with my life for me and my boys. If she is not part of it, that is her loss. I do not need people in my life who do not respect and care for me. I talked to one of my close friends just before lunch and he reminded me that as long as I live my life with honor, there is no such thing as failure.

It is dissapointing what has transpired over the last 12-18 months, but I can not focus on the mistakes and the loss. I still have plenty to be proud of that I can hold my head up high.

So I'm slowly digging myself out of this funk. I've done it before and will do it again.