Hi all, Yes I understand what everyone is saying about no guarantees in life, and I still want to do all I can (within my control) to influence my marriage positively, to have positive outcome, or increase chances for reconciliation. Sometimes I wonder if what I'm doing is helping me and hurting chances for reconciliation, or vice versa (ie sometimes getting angry feels better, but hurts chances w husband, sometimes I feel like reaching out to mutual friend could help us, but hurts me in my process of 'detaching' and 'letting go'). I agree that GAL can only help both scenarios, so I will try to do more of that.
Question about OW in picture. I understand that this may be a reality. H has told me he has 'hooked up' w other women during our separation, and also gone on dates. He may be seeing someone. How does this change my tactics/strategis in the weeks/months ahead if there is an OW? Should I be doing anything differently?
Pearl/Stronger - how did you do things different w OW in the picture? How did you show that your grass was greener, if you will?
Gucci - I hear you about how your wife was that attracted you to her, and I could say that was same for us in many ways at the time. If anything, my H was the one though that was pursuing me heavily (almost too much, he was always calling, giving gifts, etc)..somehow that seemed to set a dynamic in our relationship later on I know too (I realize I got complacent, and felt he would always be there for me). However, the examples you provide are from your initial courting stages, right? I don't know much about your sitch and how you turned things around after things went south.. do those same tactics still apply after there is a lot of water under the bridge, hurtful things said in past, etc.? With all the baggage accumulated, I don't know if that would apply as much in the present. Perhaps you can tell me a tad more about your sitch so I understand how you 'fixed' things the second time around.
Stronger - I totally hear you about investigating what I have done 'to create this monster' I absolutely realize that I lot of things I said in the past hurt H to the point where he felt shame and inadequacy. I recognize that and have owned up to that to him (in person and in a letter I wrote months ago)...I realize I cannot do this again, and there are many behaviors that are not appropriate. I have been working on them and taking accountability for a lot of things...the issue is he doesn't seem to want - at least not know - to even give me the chance to 'show' him I have changed. In months past - since our separation - I have tried to boost him up w genuine compliments and telling him how much I admire him, how proud I am of him. May just be too late since he felt that I did not respect him enough or whatever in our R. And then the temptation of parties and girls and feeling important in school, easy for him to go that route and leave our M... So I have learned a ton of lessons (and yes I can apply them to a new R but I'd rather see what is possible w current H first). The issue is more that I blame myself so much for the downfall of our M...probably to a fault where it tears me up so much. I need to remind myself that 2 of us contributed to this, otherwise I self-flagellate too much. I need to start thinking better about myself b/c I feel too often like my words or actions drove him away, and that just kills me. I've owned up to A LOT lately...am I going overboard maybe? I don't know. I don't want him to think that I am truly at fault for everything either, as it makes it easier for him to walk away.
It's hard to spend too much time alone..so I'm making an effort to be w friends more. Staying in Boston may be hard too, but I don't want to leave too early...I want to give this my all for a man I truly love.
Here's the thing, too. My H has a tendency to not step up to the plate...in which case it may be that he does not take action to file. But I don't want to be in limbo forever. I guess just one day at a time, right? Let him pursue, me - GAL, and then start w a friendship and see positive stuff in me. I hear what everyone is saying about Retro. I see it as a bit of a last resort. If it comes up again I might just position it as 'so we can communicate effectively as we end...and heal' to he knows I am grasping the reality of where he is. But i'll let him initiate.
Thanks for thinking of me and for your help/advice. I am praying for all of you as well. Kindly, hhh
