Things kind of improve...and then they don't. It is very difficult for me to take a long view of it when I am still trying to heal from longterm emotional abuse, and he keeps doing it, even if it's not as frequent. I still find myself in tears in the night just from the strain of withstanding his stupidity when it arises...and it always involves the kids, so I can't just ignore it. He is sliding back into behaviors I cannot tolerate...blaming, paranoia, and martyrhood.
So, Improvements: Continues to keep the drinking waaay cut back. But I can see that even drinking a few beers makes him different...mocking, obnoxious, etc. He has also been a big help, and proactive, with handling the kids schedules and routines now that they are back in school. He is the morning person, I am the evening person. For a whole week he has been able to pretend that he will get them up and going and take them to school on his way out, since I don't go in to work til later. He's been very considerate since I'm learning a new job and this is our busy season so i am working a lot of extra shifts and sometimes work til 8:30 at night. I shouldn't say he's pretending he will do it, he WILL do it, but he's been pretending that he wants to, and saying that I am exhausted and can use a little extra rest in the mornings right now, and he likes to get up early. This was a huge deal to me, because he has always tried to get me to conform to him, instead of looking at how our differences could complement each other, he has insisted and even tried to force me to be like him. He also wants to go to bed at 8:30. But that's my good time, I help the kids with homework in the evening, get everything ready for the next day, supervise bedtime and spend time reading to them. H actually complains that I read to them.
So H has been this wonderful, loving, big help. I worked late last night. He got them up this morning, I got up too, but I didn't have to get dressed yet or anything. But he starts his snarky comments that HE has to do EVERYTHING. He was trying to mess with the dishwasher while cooking an egg, and I said I'll do that. Don't worry about that!
"NO! Then it won't get done!!" I'm like WTF?? He says, I asked you to do the dishes yesterday and you didn't do it!! Um..yes, H, I did do the dishes yesterday... He pauses before just going, Forget about it!!
I said, are we going back to this? That you think you do everything? I don't want any of your help if you're going to throw it in my face!
Then what will happen, breakaway??? [implication..nothing will get done] I just kind of raised my hand up like the "talk to the hand" thing and walked out of the room.
This is so typical. He INSISTS that he is going to take over mornings...then he gets furious with me because he's doing exactly what he said he wanted to do. And it's PARANOID. I do plenty. He does NOT do everything. This is just a sign that he is shifting into this other mindset of his. It's all a big setup.
Then he went on his usual rant about the kids and chores which is about half true. The kids were of course protesting that did do "some" of their chores. I said, look, let's write down a list of exactly what you want them to do, so there's NO confusion about what's expected. NO! he says, I don't have to write it down. They KNOW how to make me happy. Then five minutes later, he said, Okay, I'll write down and a list, and if they really want to make me happy, they'll do more than that. I said now wait a minute. You need to tell them WHAT you WANT and not tell them they have to do "more" to make you happy. That's not fair.
He didn't respond.
ha, he just called me on my cell, wondering if I'd called him. He thought maybe I'd called. right.
The other huge incident was my son leaving a team that he was struggling on, he's reached the point that it is "out of his league." He only continued to please H anyway. S12 was in meltdown about wanting to get off this team. H does nothing but complain about S12's performance. He told me he doesn't even think he can keep taking him to practice because "he can't deal with it." We had a semi-rational conversation about the effect H's attitude was having on S12 the night before. Okay, so the next day was the meltdown. I called H and told him, look, this kid is miserable. He really wants to get off this team. It's still the initial period and we can even get our money back. H just starts shouting at me on the phone...NO ONE IS QUITTING ANYTHING. He WILL play.
I told him it's not his decision to make alone. I want to talk about it! NO, he says, "I say NO ONE should ever quit anything EVER." (Well, that's reasonable, why have a discussion about a given situation then.) I started getting angry that he refuses to discuss it, and he says Oh I know you'll be on HIS SIDE!! I said, shouldn't we BOTH be on his side? So then he starts shouting Quit riding my ass!! How can you even call me and talk about this? I'm driving home from work!!
I hung up and told S12 to get dressed for practice because I didn't know what was going to happen. H stormed in the door 15 minutes later...leans over S12 who's sitting on the couch putting on his cleats, and starts SHOUTING...are you going to quit????!!!!! Are you going to quit????!!!! S12 starts crying. H whips out his cell phone and shouts I guess I'll call your coach and tell him you're quitting!!
I said, you need to CALM DOWN. Calm down before you do anything. Then he started shouting some stuff about how I need to stay out of it because I'm undermining him. I said, stop shouting at me. He said, you are making me shout at you. You got me all worked up! I told him no, you got YOURSELF worked up, I don't MAKE you do anything.
He finally got somewhat under control...S12 is in his room bawling. He calls the head of the program and they have a really long talk, and this coach is SO understanding and supportive. Says S12 is always welcome back, they love him, but he is struggling this year because he hasn't grown as much as the other kids. They hate to lose him, but think it's better for him to take a year off and not get so discouraged, that that would be really bad for him to suffer so much discouragement at this age, etc etc.
So H starts changing his tune. Talks to S12's coach, talks to his dad, etc etc. NOW H says, it would have been a really big mistake to make S12 play this year. Dad says it could have been a life-altering mistake. We made the right decision, blah blah blah.
I'm glad he came around, but what do you think S12 is going to always remember about this? I alarmed myself even by even CONTEMPLATING capitulating to my husband on this. I have to endure his contempt and hysteria to get from point A to point B. We'll get to point B, but not without this load of crap first.
I am proud of S12 though, because he and I had some talks...I am glad that even though he felt he was letting other people down, he told the truth about what he wanted and didn't let expectations stop him from doing the right thing for him. Nobody EVER taught me that. EVER. I'm just sorry he has to bear so much disappointment from his father.
