Okay, well things continue to improve. He's keeping to his word about the booze, and is gradually becoming a "normal" person. I just journal like crazy and that's helped with my anger, along with his consistency of being a friendly kind person. I used to say there was Good H and Bad H, and he's been Good H for a few weeks now. It's not that sickening stuff of oh baby I love you, sucking up garbage. He's just actually being a nice person. By that, I mean that he asks for things without ordering me around, he doesn't treat me like a child, he doesn't criticize, he asks about me and LISTENS to the answer, and he's quit being so damned irritable. He laughs. He doesn't pout.
I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. You know, this big change in him finally getting off the Blame Wagon and getting his act together came right when I'd decided I'd live however I had to to get out of this situation. I never said anything and I don't think I was outwardly acting any differently...but voila, H has a change of heart. And I know from past experience that it's when I am happy and all is right in the world that he will pull the rug out from under me and have some kind of angry fit out of nowhere...that even he will not be able to explain afterward. So I don't know if I can ever really overcome that fear. But for now it's one day at a time and trying to live in the moment.
Alright. I have the day off today, and I am trying to get my paperwork organized. H wants to buy a car. So it looks like it's time to put all the cards on the table about the money. I'm having a hard time concentrating. I keep going blank. I have a million other things to be doing like taking my kid to a dr appt and getting everything ready for school starting this week and just stuff. I found myself walking in circles.
Things change so fast around here it's hard to really keep my thread up to date. The weekend was full of the usual chaos, plus some.
Coach, you'll be happy to know I found a way to praise H for his "good behavior" ... I wrote him a letter, which I agonized over, since he is so unpredictable. I emailed it to him. Then he responded with some really bizarre "joke" that I didn't quite know how to take. It was weird. So I ended up talking on the phone with him. He hemmed and hawed around about what he meant, and I said, well, what I wrote was heartfelt, and he said he knew that and he did appreciate it.
He's taking small steps to do things like talk to me on the phone and just ADMIT things like, gee I had a bad day at work, and talk about it, instead of coming home, insisting he is not angry while verbally bashing everyone in the family until he feels better. I don't know how long it can last, but it is nice for now. I keep trying to give him positive feedback gently, as I've mentioned, sometimes saying something nice to him makes him angry too, or he brushes it off in some strange way.
We looked at cars, that came to nothing. We had some tentative money conversations that didn't go too awful. The only bad thing was he got busy Sat and forgot to do something very, very important for our son. When he realized this Sun (when I asked him about it) he TOTALLY freaked out, and honestly, I think had an anxiety attack or something. I won't go into the gory details...but we finally got it straightened out. We had the biggest breakthrough yet when he didn't blame me for what went wrong, and even said later he should have listened to me, instead of panicking. I am still in shock that he didn't blame me, for any of it.
So..he's better in one sense, but still kind of...rocky..in another sense.
We have been close and friendly since he HAS stopped blaming me for everything including death and taxes, he has stopped criticizing me, he has listened to me and for the first time in years, maybe EVER, has tried to make some kind of effort to give any sense of even knowing what I'm doing. He is almost to the point of actual...encouragement. But that may be too much to hope for. The day he encourages me in any way...well...I'll get a tattoo of his name. Just kidding.
Anyway...this has made me willing to be intimate with him. And, campers, I am the one initiating it, and he is very happy. He actually was tickling me the other day. It's like I became a human being when he stopped drinking instead of his worthless scullery maid. The main thing has been him finally dropping this hardcore sexist act he's been bludgeoning me with, he's stopped trying to be "the leader" (translated "boss") and he's started being a partner.
Before we got married we talked about how we were marrying our best friend. Then afterward, apparently "best friend" meant subservient docile "meek" quiet maid girl. while he walked around our house saying he was the king. (of the a$$holes)
Again, this person could return. In fact, it's quite strange that he can be this different. I swear he has two personalities. His aunt has said that about his cousin..that she's always been two people. So. For now he's the nice one.
Do I have my hopes up? Yes. Will I fall apart the next time he loses it. I don't think so. Those days are over. He'll never beat me down again.
Breakaway, You are leading right now. Your husbands sees the positive changes you are making for yourself. IMO the reason he didn't prfusley thank you for the note you sent is because he doesn't know how to get a compliment. Is he comfortable giving them? Chance to model good behavior for him again. What would say the changes you have made for yourself are that are working?
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Well, he kind of doesn't know how to receive a compliment...but then again, he wants constant praise, like a little kid, for everything he does. Like if he makes a steak...he wants to be told how good it is...like 10 times. I'm not kidding. I always compliment him on his food...he's a good cook. But let's say I volunteer a couple of times how good it is, he will KEEP asking. "Do you like it? It's great, isn't it. It's awesome, I'm awesome." He's like that about a LOT of things. But all superficial things come to think of it. We go into the area of "feelings" and he acts differently.
What's different about me? Well, I've been working through a Bible study by Beth Moore that has been so instrumental in God bringing me healing. So, it's spiritual, I'm not trying, it's just coming to a very rock solid place of self-worth, of being defined by the Lord.
I saw this sign in a store that said "Always walk like you're wearing an invisible crown on your head." I thought that was funny, but I thought about being the daughter of a King, and that I don't need to walk with my head down.
This sounds silly...but when H would start getting critical and mean...which naturally leads someone to droop..I'd think, nope, you're wearing a crown. And I started lifting my chin up. My entire posture has changed. Even when he starts I calmly look him straight in the eye and he backs down. Can you believe?
I had a bug bite that wouldn't heal and I mentioned going to the doctor, and he (the hypochondriac) immediately started in saying I didn't want to do that, they'd do tests, that costs money.
Instead of getting furious, or dejected by this amazing devaluing, I stood up straight, looked him in the eye and said...did you just say I shouldn't go see a doctor?
Uh, um, uh...no...well, uh, I mean do whatever you want! You can go to a doctor!
But Coach...it's still a little scary. Because I don't know what's building up inside. It remains to be seen if will be able to resist trying to dominate me. His old weapons don't work anymore though. We'll see if he likes it this way, or if he gets more resourceful.
Well, he kind of doesn't know how to receive a compliment...but then again, he wants constant praise, like a little kid, for everything he does. Like if he makes a steak...he wants to be told how good it is...like 10 times. I'm not kidding. I always compliment him on his food...he's a good cook. But let's say I volunteer a couple of times how good it is, he will KEEP asking. "Do you like it? It's great, isn't it. It's awesome, I'm awesome." He's like that about a LOT of things. But all superficial things come to think of it. We go into the area of "feelings" and he acts differently.
Ya think that is how he got loved from his parents by "doing things." Is he comfortable talking about his ideas, dreams, and goals?
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What's different about me? Well, I've been working through a Bible study by Beth Moore that has been so instrumental in God bringing me healing. So, it's spiritual, I'm not trying, it's just coming to a very rock solid place of self-worth, of being defined by the Lord.
That's goodness for you.
Quote:
This sounds silly...but when H would start getting critical and mean...which naturally leads someone to droop..I'd think, nope, you're wearing a crown. And I started lifting my chin up. My entire posture has changed. Even when he starts I calmly look him straight in the eye and he backs down. Can you believe?
Yes, I believe do you?
You don't sound as angry as you were which is good for you and your family.
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But Coach...it's still a little scary. Because I don't know what's building up inside. It remains to be seen if will be able to resist trying to dominate me. His old weapons don't work anymore though. We'll see if he likes it this way, or if he gets more resourceful.
It's probably scary for him too. He sees you changing and acting stronger, wiser and getting a spiritual life. He's changing as well. Keep praising his changes that are healthy and productive. Sounds like WOA are one of his LLs. Stay consistent and strong. You are handling it.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I'm impressed with how you're standing up for yourself now- I hope I do as well. I just started reading your thread, and until now I hadn't realized how much our H's are similar, their addictions are just manifested in different mediums.
So, anyone ever have a day where they think "I didn't sign up for this?"
Yeah, I'm doing better, yeah I'm standing up for myself, yeah I'm leading him, yeah yeah yeah. I don't want to have to be vigilant about "standing up for myself," I don't want to navigate every single thing he can't handle, I don't want to constantly have to "manage" this situation. I just want to live life. I tell myself every marriage has problems...but it just feels like I have a life sentence being shackled to this person with mental issues that WON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. So it's up to ME to make up for it all the time. I don't want to be his damn therapist, I don't like having to GO to therapy to cope with HIM because he WON'T. Even though things have improved it's still ME doing the work, ME trying to manage the fallout of his utter childishness. It's a fulltime job. It's unequal, unfair, and it's never going to change...the circumstances can improve, but fundamentally that's only if I "do my job" successfully and manage him and the situation correctly. Is that what life's supposed to be about?? I would like to be able to relax sometimes, you know. In my own home, with my own family. But my H is too much of a headcase for me to ever be able to do that.
I'm venting because I just feel so aggravated right now. I know have to keep working on it, because I have to stand in the gap between him and the kids every day, and if we weren't together, I can't imagine how hard it would become for them.
Things kind of improve...and then they don't. It is very difficult for me to take a long view of it when I am still trying to heal from longterm emotional abuse, and he keeps doing it, even if it's not as frequent. I still find myself in tears in the night just from the strain of withstanding his stupidity when it arises...and it always involves the kids, so I can't just ignore it. He is sliding back into behaviors I cannot tolerate...blaming, paranoia, and martyrhood.
So, Improvements: Continues to keep the drinking waaay cut back. But I can see that even drinking a few beers makes him different...mocking, obnoxious, etc. He has also been a big help, and proactive, with handling the kids schedules and routines now that they are back in school. He is the morning person, I am the evening person. For a whole week he has been able to pretend that he will get them up and going and take them to school on his way out, since I don't go in to work til later. He's been very considerate since I'm learning a new job and this is our busy season so i am working a lot of extra shifts and sometimes work til 8:30 at night. I shouldn't say he's pretending he will do it, he WILL do it, but he's been pretending that he wants to, and saying that I am exhausted and can use a little extra rest in the mornings right now, and he likes to get up early. This was a huge deal to me, because he has always tried to get me to conform to him, instead of looking at how our differences could complement each other, he has insisted and even tried to force me to be like him. He also wants to go to bed at 8:30. But that's my good time, I help the kids with homework in the evening, get everything ready for the next day, supervise bedtime and spend time reading to them. H actually complains that I read to them.
So H has been this wonderful, loving, big help. I worked late last night. He got them up this morning, I got up too, but I didn't have to get dressed yet or anything. But he starts his snarky comments that HE has to do EVERYTHING. He was trying to mess with the dishwasher while cooking an egg, and I said I'll do that. Don't worry about that!
"NO! Then it won't get done!!" I'm like WTF?? He says, I asked you to do the dishes yesterday and you didn't do it!! Um..yes, H, I did do the dishes yesterday... He pauses before just going, Forget about it!!
I said, are we going back to this? That you think you do everything? I don't want any of your help if you're going to throw it in my face!
Then what will happen, breakaway??? [implication..nothing will get done] I just kind of raised my hand up like the "talk to the hand" thing and walked out of the room.
This is so typical. He INSISTS that he is going to take over mornings...then he gets furious with me because he's doing exactly what he said he wanted to do. And it's PARANOID. I do plenty. He does NOT do everything. This is just a sign that he is shifting into this other mindset of his. It's all a big setup.
Then he went on his usual rant about the kids and chores which is about half true. The kids were of course protesting that did do "some" of their chores. I said, look, let's write down a list of exactly what you want them to do, so there's NO confusion about what's expected. NO! he says, I don't have to write it down. They KNOW how to make me happy. Then five minutes later, he said, Okay, I'll write down and a list, and if they really want to make me happy, they'll do more than that. I said now wait a minute. You need to tell them WHAT you WANT and not tell them they have to do "more" to make you happy. That's not fair.
He didn't respond.
ha, he just called me on my cell, wondering if I'd called him. He thought maybe I'd called. right.
The other huge incident was my son leaving a team that he was struggling on, he's reached the point that it is "out of his league." He only continued to please H anyway. S12 was in meltdown about wanting to get off this team. H does nothing but complain about S12's performance. He told me he doesn't even think he can keep taking him to practice because "he can't deal with it." We had a semi-rational conversation about the effect H's attitude was having on S12 the night before. Okay, so the next day was the meltdown. I called H and told him, look, this kid is miserable. He really wants to get off this team. It's still the initial period and we can even get our money back. H just starts shouting at me on the phone...NO ONE IS QUITTING ANYTHING. He WILL play.
I told him it's not his decision to make alone. I want to talk about it! NO, he says, "I say NO ONE should ever quit anything EVER." (Well, that's reasonable, why have a discussion about a given situation then.) I started getting angry that he refuses to discuss it, and he says Oh I know you'll be on HIS SIDE!! I said, shouldn't we BOTH be on his side? So then he starts shouting Quit riding my ass!! How can you even call me and talk about this? I'm driving home from work!!
I hung up and told S12 to get dressed for practice because I didn't know what was going to happen. H stormed in the door 15 minutes later...leans over S12 who's sitting on the couch putting on his cleats, and starts SHOUTING...are you going to quit????!!!!! Are you going to quit????!!!! S12 starts crying. H whips out his cell phone and shouts I guess I'll call your coach and tell him you're quitting!!
I said, you need to CALM DOWN. Calm down before you do anything. Then he started shouting some stuff about how I need to stay out of it because I'm undermining him. I said, stop shouting at me. He said, you are making me shout at you. You got me all worked up! I told him no, you got YOURSELF worked up, I don't MAKE you do anything.
He finally got somewhat under control...S12 is in his room bawling. He calls the head of the program and they have a really long talk, and this coach is SO understanding and supportive. Says S12 is always welcome back, they love him, but he is struggling this year because he hasn't grown as much as the other kids. They hate to lose him, but think it's better for him to take a year off and not get so discouraged, that that would be really bad for him to suffer so much discouragement at this age, etc etc.
So H starts changing his tune. Talks to S12's coach, talks to his dad, etc etc. NOW H says, it would have been a really big mistake to make S12 play this year. Dad says it could have been a life-altering mistake. We made the right decision, blah blah blah.
I'm glad he came around, but what do you think S12 is going to always remember about this? I alarmed myself even by even CONTEMPLATING capitulating to my husband on this. I have to endure his contempt and hysteria to get from point A to point B. We'll get to point B, but not without this load of crap first.
I am proud of S12 though, because he and I had some talks...I am glad that even though he felt he was letting other people down, he told the truth about what he wanted and didn't let expectations stop him from doing the right thing for him. Nobody EVER taught me that. EVER. I'm just sorry he has to bear so much disappointment from his father.
