What you wrote about how you felt...well, that pretty much summarizes how I felt. My H is much different from yours in that he'd been doing work on getting past ego and questioning the stories we seem to run in our heads all the time, and I think that worked for me. He was also already a really confident man in other areas. So the bomb woke me up and he eventually figured his own stuff out...but if H had been a different person, I don't think we'd be where we are today.
But it's scary the thoughts that you captured. The, "What's wrong with me?" thought...the wondering if it would be different with someone else...yeah, spot on.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
so as an update to the sitch last night. my wife didn't get home until 12...i was asleep. I was truly thinking the worst which for me, while painful, let me know what I had to do. this am, she came in and wanted to speak(and away we go).
if u recall, this month is "lay it on the table month" bec we r both playing w house $.
Turns out my wife wanted to talk about "her selfish behavior" that she didn't really realize she was being selfish until she took it to heart the other day during one of our talks..she mentioned last night a couple of people made partner so they wanted to go out to dinner to celebrate and she went.
I explained that while there is nothing wrong w celebrating, it is the second time in a month where she s she had to work late and then went out after till 12...hence selfish. she agreed and s maybe she is having MLC. She s that she honestly doesn't even think about it..she likes to go out and have fun where she can be herself and just enjoy. when she asked why I don't go out more, I told her I was a family guy who got enjoyment from being around the kids and while I do like to meet a friend for a drink or take in a game I don't need to do it that often.
she s maybe going out once a week was too much. I told her that for the last 2-3 mths..it has been work late one or 2 nights plus go out and that it wasn't fair to the kids or me being the babysitter on call...she agreed (hence selfish).
its so weird that she just doesn't see what is so evident..its a little scary. while I'm hopeful we can get thru this it makes me wonder if ill be dealing w this nonsense forever...one step at a time.
after having a side conversation w a fellow DB, my w will have to be convinced of things she will learn for herself and none of my rants will work.
anyway she asked for a hug which I obliged and then I went to work.
TR Rose T-10 M-6 H-39- W-36- S-4 D-1 Bomb 4/09 Blow up 8/09 1st thread 2nd thread 3rd thread
she s maybe going out once a week was too much. I told her that for the last 2-3 mths..it has been work late one or 2 nights plus go out and that it wasn't fair to the kids or me being the babysitter on call...she agreed (hence selfish).
While I agree that the number above is excessive, I do NOT agree that once a week is uncalled for. Part of what has help my H and I rebuild a happy M is that we give each other the space to do separate GAL activities as well as ones together.
My H meets up with his brother and a friend of his once a week to go out for dinner and drinks. They geek out about music, sports and politics, and H gets some guy time. I find I actually look forward to those evenings as I get to skip making a proper dinner and watch a show my H doesn't particularly care for. He goes out, he gets home, we're both in a good mood, and H is getting a need met that I can't meet (I'm not a sports fan or as passionate about music as he is.)
Likewise, I generally will go spend a few hours with one of my friends to do art, go get coffee, or just gab a while. While I'm gone, H enjoys having the house to himself, plays music, works on his projects, etc. I come back in a great mood, and we reconnect after that.
Of course, we also do things as a couple with these other people. But the independent activities are essential. It's in those spaces that we remember most who we are as individuals...not as moms/dads or wives/husbands. Quite honestly, I think the freedom and respect my H and I give each other in this area is a big reason why neither of us has had crushing MLC. He dropped the bomb on me but quickly recovered to work on the M, and while I have twinges (like wanting to shout do-over repeatedly, LOL), I am really happy with my life and looking forward to the rest of it.
So, instead of calling her selfish for wanting some individual time, maybe what's needed are some agreements and boundaries about what's healthy for your M? For you as people? Maybe she needs to give you the respect of lead-time...because who knows, maybe you might have plans. Schedule it in advance so it's not a last minute dump on the person there to watch the kids and figure out dinner.
About working late...is that an expectation of the job? If so, maybe a better approach would be if you talked about how those late nights are impacting the M, and maybe the solution is finding a job that respects its employees' home lives.
I hope you don't take this the wrong way...I just think that some (not as much as your W seems to be doing) regular independent activities are healthy for a M and it might come back to bite you in the booty if she gives it up out of guilt.
Seek consensus, fairness, and understanding.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
trrose- You missed a lot there...you got a lot more out of her than most do. Going out is clearly important to her, reasonable or not. Is that a concession you are willing to make for your marriage? Going out a little more? Because what you did was a) pointed out that you both are starkly different in that area and b) implied that you are morally superior because you recognize that it is better to stay home. Now, in my sitch, this was a HUGE issue but in retrospect, I wonder why I fought H so much on going out more...
It is good to be honest AND mindful of how you present things.
Listening to friends is great but you must remember that each sitch is different and certainly each woman is different. You are early on in your sitch and you may really be able to turn this around if you pay more attention.
Your wife wants to go out and have fun and you don't, so she does it without you. I was there (in your shoes)...I can't say it would have saved the marriage but I don't feel great about having refused to go out more toward the end...
So, instead of calling her selfish for wanting some individual time, maybe what's needed are some agreements and boundaries about what's healthy for your M?
I must admit that i had an issue with her going out once a week I think i was resentful because i was home with the kids while she was having fun i dont know why i felt that way but i do/did.
but now i see the error of my ways and realize that it is healthy for her and me to go out.
i dont find it selfish her wanting to go out. what i do find selfish is her automatically assuming that i am the babysitter on call that isnt fair i work all day too.
a couple of weeks ago she worked late on Monday, got hair done tuesday, went out thursday...i find that selfish..she could have asked or considered the work i was doing.
another example would be after she was out 3 days, i wanted to go to the gym on a Wed night...she said "youll go after we give the kids a bath and they go to sleep, right?" i said no...im going now.
last week she s she was going to come home early and make dinner for the kids....turns out she decided instead to walk thru the mall. by the time she got home i already put my daughter to bed.
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About working late...is that an expectation of the job? If so, maybe a better approach would be if you talked about how those late nights are impacting the M, and maybe the solution is finding a job that respects its employees' home lives.
my wife is a lawyer at a big consulting/accounting firm..while she does work hard there is the option for her to work from home..she feels like she gets stuff done at the office. In other jobs my wife always worked later also i think it may be her personality
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I hope you don't take this the wrong way...I just think that some (not as much as your W seems to be doing) regular independent activities are healthy for a M and it might come back to bite you in the booty if she gives it up out of guilt.
its all good i appreciate the feedback and agree with you, we just have to find a workable solution. part of the issue is ever since this went down. i feel like she just wants to avoid coming home, since she has "fun with others and not me."
TR Rose T-10 M-6 H-39- W-36- S-4 D-1 Bomb 4/09 Blow up 8/09 1st thread 2nd thread 3rd thread
Going out is clearly important to her, reasonable or not. Is that a concession you are willing to make for your marriage? Going out a little more?
sure i would...its interesting as i am typing this. one of the reasons i feel resentment is that i always feel that i am rushing to get home to help...since she doesnt do that i get pissed.
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Your wife wants to go out and have fun and you don't, so she does it without you.
Whoa!! not true I love going out..she just wants to go out w friends during the week not me.
Last edited by trrose; 08/25/0904:35 PM.
TR Rose T-10 M-6 H-39- W-36- S-4 D-1 Bomb 4/09 Blow up 8/09 1st thread 2nd thread 3rd thread
