"What is normal for most of us, doesn't seem normal to him. I don't know if this makes any sense, but... My H is used to dysfunction"
Hmmmm, I find it very interesting to realise how much an impact our family of origin stuff has on our dealings with others as adults. We`re coming from different-in some cases, entirely different sets of behaviours and, as much of it is subconcious stuff, it`s almost impossible to read someone coming from another way of interacting.
So, that`s where we clash. In H`s family dishonesty is admired, whereas I`m honest to the point of being utterly niave. In H`s family appearances are everything, from my family outward appearances meant nothing. My family are very critical, H`s full of praise.
Being aware helps, though I can only change the negative in me. I`m not going to speak all of H`s language-not sinking to his dishonesty, but trying to rise to his need for praise for example.
Throwing an alcoholic MIL into the mix makes for an even more deadly chemical cocktail. My FIL is an alcoholic but now I`m begining to see MIL`s role in that too. Its the enabling thing.
Our spouses are children of alcoholics and there`s a whole set of behaviours that we have chosen to live with in chosing them. Maybe we chose them for our own learning. Whatever.We have to chose the learning now in order to survive and not get sucked in. the learning involves a whole new way of interacting. Our H`s may soak it up unconsciously. They certainly can`t be taught it directly.
Our learning though is primarily for us though.I feel its good to heal and learn as long as possible within the marriage because separation when we`re raw, wounded and unhealed would be a different place from separation where I have moved on in myself.
No I don`t expect H to move on too easily, if at all. I don`t expect him to have much learning for himself in this.So, like you, I don`t know if he can maintain a healthy R without that awareness.
I have no faith in words when it comes to dealing with my H. I can only be the change-calm, quiet, content, patient and wait. For another while anyway.
