I had bought some nice lingerie over the years. I tended to wear it on "special" occasions. I always preferred t-shirts to sleep in. After the divorce, I started wearing some of it for me. I feel good when I wear it, besides I want to be in the habit for the next serious relationship I have!
You did great. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Good job with the undies Ali! Wish I had thought of that....*sigh*...that's neither here nor there.
Keep up what you are doing. There is a lot to be said for wanting to snuggle. That is an intimacy that a lot of men aren't comfortable with and most women would kill for. Soak it up!
How is the new job going? What exactly are you doing now?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hope4Us.. I agree, the healing comes partly from knowing what happened. Also though, as normal life resumes, it does become less important and fades and almost seems (to me) as though it never happened. But then.. something will remind me and I feel a resentment surfacing so I ask questions, only when I really need to and we never talk for more than an hour, then we move on and change the subject and I am normal, laugh, hug him and be loving and upbeat as though the talk never happened.. the DB book says to handle it this way. I understand his reluctance to talk and your W's, I did after my EA/miniPA years ago. Its the guilt. But for me also (and I think my bf as he said he was worried about what I would think).. I had this FEAR that now the penny had dropped and I chose bf over OM.. that if I said too much, I would end up losing him.. that I would end up losing them both, but the most valuable thing, my bf. So it took me a LONG time for the whole truth to come out, a year maybe, until I felt secure that he wouldnt leave me. I answered stuff as we went along, but only to a point and my bf is now doing the same. But I wouldnt talk about it for the first few months at all, after the OM left, I needed that grieving time. Try and be patient with her. I also dont see it in anyway as selfish. If she didnt love you or care, she would tell you, and in all the gory technicolour details!
Hi GAG, in answer to your question (I have had this discussion with my family as they worried at first).. I consider my bf now, a BETTER bet than some random new guy. He's a known quantity, I know all his issues. I also know he truly loves me and chose to come back, for life. I lived with my exex for 3 years, I later realised he had cheated on me in the first week, despite saying he loved me at that time. There are no gaurantees, so I actually feel more secure and sure of my bf than I would have felt, after what I have been through, with a stranger I happened to fall for. Also, my bf is not a womaniser and in the past 13 years, I have never seen his eyes stray to a pretty woman, when in my presence, so that reassures me.
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
I am at the point of questioning whether IF my WAS one day chooses to reconcile, how will I know that he won't have some kind of meltdown again in the future? I asked Jody (DB coach) this question and she said that in the future we would need to avoid the triggers that activated this situation...how can we (LBS's) know what all the triggers might be? .....or how many triggers need to be activated for them to leave again? In your experience on the board, do walkaways show a willingness to have these conversations?
.....and how can avoiding triggers compensate for the emptiness some of our walkaway partners feel because of abandonment they experienced as children?
I asked him this, he says it will never happen again, that he made a terrible, insane decision (to leave and then another, to date nightmare ow) and from that 2 years, he has learnt "a million things".. one of which being that he made a terrible mistake, it was crazy and he didnt think it through what he was doing and what was really best for him/me, but just let things happen to him. He said he wont ever repeat that mistake.
I dont think there were triggers as such.. I think it was a type of MLC if you will, so a culmination point of years of low self esteem and being a people pleaser and silently seething at not being "listened to" and also a consequence of his longterm depression, in his case.. he understands now that we create our own reality. If you are unhappy with something, but act like you are fine, you are not being honest and true to yourself and you cant expect others to read your mind! But it wasnt ALL him, we have touched on the fact I had stopped listening to him, or respecting his decisions at least and he didnt handle that well - instead of telling me, he "gave up" (again thats his depression he says now) and saw things in a very negative way and he says now it was insane, but he felt I didnt love him! I was amazed when he said that. Perhaps he didnt feel needed? I was very capable and strong. So in terms of those triggers, I am careful to let him make decisions now, I am gentler and actively listen, as they call it. If that helps!
Hey girls, Rob.. bit too information maybe!? But hey, I've always been honest here!
M, I miss you too... always here! Mish, I am now an Officer for open spaces and beaches for cornwall ! Its ace, I get handrails put in for old folks, sand removed from roads, playparks mended and inspect beaches, so I am out and about alot. I did a similiar job over 10 years ago, so I blagged it from that, I've had alot of different careers!
Sounds like that was the right thing to do. I'm not sure you can convince him to talk to his doctor, and you're right that putting pressure on him is probably only making the mental block, as you called it, stronger.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
