The withdrawal isn't an issue of doubting feelings. I have made a conscious decision to love and to see things through. It’s more of a feeling of not wanting to deal with her. Every time we have a conversation that is not superficial, it is the same “It’s not working…I’m leaving” speech. These are the only times where we talk about anything significant. I don’t want R talks myself at this point.
A few family members that I talk to this about have asked me “how long to you put up with this,” or “how long do you keep going?” W has asked me to “just let her go” too.
Here’s my thought on this: If an outsider was trying to come into your house and destroy your family, cause irreparable damage to your children, and take your wife away from you how long would you fight to protect them? If I went to my W and said as part of my “ true path to happiness” I need to hurt our son do you think she would step aside? God I hope not! I would expect her to fight with everything she had to protect him.
I really see that her want of a D would be doing irreparable damage to an almost 8 year old (having been 8 when my parents D’d). I have made all of the changes that she has asked and she still claims that it won’t work. (she’s right…it won’t if she won’t let it)
My way of fighting at this point is letting go, but I still see it as my way of fighting. It is NOT, and nor will ever be, giving up.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I saw a letter in the recycling that W skipped her IC appt for last week. I think it was about the time she opened that letter that she started getting weird(er) than normal.
Yesterday she took S7 out to her girlfriend's house and one of their family events for the evening. She brought him home around 8 and left again. She said she was going to have dinner with the GF. In the time she was home though she was really off. Distant. Seemed angry. Nothing specific, but it was clear.
As she was leaving, I saw in her planner (it was open and sitting out, I wasn't snooping) that she had an IC appt today. She hates going to the IC. She ALWAYS gets weird (emotionally raw as she calls it) surrounding these.
I know I can't affect it, and it's detrimental to detaching to even wonder, but I still do. Is the IC telling her to "follow her happiness" or to try to fix her family? I can't control the outcone, but I still wonder.
I went to bed early last night again. I could tell, nothing good was going to come from talking to the W last night. Extra sleep is always good too.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I sometimes wonder...what will be the catalyst that prompts bringing limbo to an end.
Quote:
The level of disrespect that I feel this screaming in the face of me, our marriage, and our family is immeasurable.
The sooner you address the disrespect the sooner you will get out of limbo. It's all in your control how you handle it, not the outcome but what you do.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I sometimes wonder...what will be the catalyst that prompts bringing limbo to an end.
Quote:
The level of disrespect that I feel this screaming in the face of me, our marriage, and our family is immeasurable.
The sooner you address the disrespect the sooner you will get out of limbo. It's all in your control how you handle it, not the outcome but what you do.
I am open to any suggestions.
I have always been the "take charge" guy. I think that's one of the things that originally attracted W to me. Growing up, getting a real job, providing for my family in tough times had taken some of that from me and I started to get whiny about stress and job issues. I still had no problem standing up for myself at home though. Eventually this is what seems to have made W feel controlled and unheard.
How can I still be strong and confident while at the same time not be controlling and be a good listener? I'm open to any suggestions?
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Another thing...the more upbeat I am, the more it seems to pi$$ her off.
I want to be upbeat and fun to be around, but I think that she has so much resentment toward me still that she wants me to be "paying for it" not having a good time.
Anyone have any suggestions here?
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Here’s my thought on this: If an outsider was trying to come into your house and destroy your family, cause irreparable damage to your children, and take your wife away from you how long would you fight to protect them?
Boundaries are what keep the outsiders out. Letting your wife do whatever she wants with no consequences when it distresses you is being a doormat. She has lost respect for you because she can push you around. Waiting to see if the outsider is going to leave on her own is not productive.
Quote:
Another thing...the more upbeat I am, the more it seems to pi$$ her off.
That's her problem. You feeling good is a problem????? Anger is good. It means she is still attached. If she becomes numb or disinterested beware. (Detachment is not disinterested BTW.)
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
She had been VERY detached. More angry again lately (after a couple of blowups a few weeks back) From what she says, the anger stems from her feeling trapped and not being able to leave without feeling guilty.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I have always been the "take charge" guy. I think that's one of the things that originally attracted W to me. Growing up, getting a real job, providing for my family in tough times had taken some of that from me and I started to get whiny about stress and job issues. I still had no problem standing up for myself at home though. Eventually this is what seems to have made W feel controlled and unheard.
How can I still be strong and confident while at the same time not be controlling and be a good listener? I'm open to any suggestions?
Anyone know how to PM? I'd love to get Alive and Kicking's thoughts on this, but I don't want to have to hijack anyone else's thread to get to her.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
She sent me a txt to tell me she spent MORE $$ on clothes.
Whatever.
I did notice that it made me cringe just to see her name come up on my phone though. That sucks. I was SO in love with this woman less than a year ago.
Love is a decision, so I'm still in it to win it, but what a rotton reaction to your wife.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
