I understand that, and used to do it all the time. But no matter how many small positives I noticed, big negatives weren't far behind. Yeah there were some positives today. I will try to look at them again. What do you do when you feel anger toward your WAS? Right now I am angry at her for hurting me, for taking away my best friend, for witholding sex. I feel like I still love her very much, but don't like her very much.
Last edited by Orich; 08/25/0903:32 AM.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
It's hard. You've got 3 more weeks of an unbalanced relationship. You want to be nice and make it work. She thinks it's just fine to treat you any which way that happens. They will explain to her at Retrouvaille that you both have to be nice, and you both have to be fair. Will she do it? I don't know. But you've got a much better chance after Retrouvaille than before. So just keep holding on.
I think it would bore me silly if anyone did that! You`re getting on her nerves, Orich. Stay out of her space.
Stop looking at her all the time. Looking for her responses, looking at how well she looks etc.
Just go look in the mirror and have fun with yourself!
You`ve got to look at why you get angry, why you look at things so negatively. And for that you need to row back to your childhood patterns of why you built up those defenses for yourself.
Your happiness seems to depend on your W and that is not a good thing. You`ve got to learn to love and value you first.] Love what you`ve lined up for the week for you with the boys. Keep the focus on healing you first, then on them. Leave W to look after herself.
Man, you are crowding her. Otherwise known as PURSUIT.
And until you accept the fact that you have to detach, you WILL continue to have disappointment and anger and any other negative emotion. That does NOT portray you as an attractive person. What you do is your choice, and my opinion is worth what you paid for it. But, do you see the same disappointment and hurt happenning over and over again?
Dammit, you guys are right. Everytime I think I'm doing a 180, it turns out I'm doing something wrong. In MC, she said I was foo quiet, and she always had to draw me into talking. When I try to GAL, I feel guilty. Going places without asking her bothers me. I know it shouldn't right now. I know she has a problem with stress, and instinctually I try to relieve her stress by offering to take the kids, or let her go to movies with her sister or something. And you are right, my happiness still depends to some extent on her. I did post earlier that I am doing a lot of stuff this week, so it is a start in the right direction. Please pray for me and continue to point out when I stray from the right path.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
First, don't beat byourself up. We all make mistakes, especially in learning a new outlook on life, which is what DB'ing is, at least for me.
Next, one thing I had to learn at first, and dam$ it was hard, was to stop trying to fix my W's problems. I thought that was my role as a H and how I was brought up to be the protector. It is not the H's job to fix his W's problems. We are supposed to listen and support. Try it and see what happens.
One thing that helped me was to treat my W like an attractive co-worker. I flirt but not enough to get in trouble.
I am almost done with a book I would highly recommend to you: "No More Mr. Nice Guy.L. Its a short read and will teach you a great deal.
In the end, you should take the focus off your W and put it back on you and your kids. Your W simply isn't in a place to provide love and support to you right now. The more you try to get her to do that, the further you are driving her away.
I Guess part of my problem is that I don't want her to feel like I am doing stuff to spite her. Same thing with talking. Does it seem like I am giving her the cold shoulder by clamming up? If she doesn't initiate talking, should I? Shouldn't I try to get her interested in me again? Detach, detach, detach. I'll get the balance soon.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
You have neither control over nor responsibility for HER feelings.
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Does it seem like I am giving her the cold shoulder by clamming up?
Detaching is not clamming up and is not giving her the cold shoulder. It is loving her from a distance. Be kind, warm and respectful, but be withdrawn in some respect, like not initiating conversation. If you decide to do something, do it b/c it is the right thing to do for YOU, not her. So,
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If she doesn't initiate talking, should I?
NO. What you will find is that she will initially pull back (she's probably already there). But, when you act with consistency, she will wonder what's up. And most likely, SHE will be the one initiating conversation. You will find she will just by chance end up in the same room as you, etc.
She does NOT want you initiating anything b/c she sees that as pursuit. Stop it. Give her space in a loving, respectful way. It takes the pressure off her and conveys strngth and confidence from you.
Keep in mind doing nice things for her is nice in a HEALTHY M (few of us here are in that stage right now) but right now, she does not want that. If you want her to be attracted to you, you have to earn her RESPECT. Without her respect for you, she WILL NOT be attracted to you or love you. That's just the way women are wired.
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Shouldn't I try to get her interested in me again?
O, you are either refusing to accept that detachment is necessary or you are simply not getting the point. This isn't about getting HER to do ANYTHING. The more you try to do that (which brings in your expectations) the more you will fail.
The point is you are supposed to be working on YOU FOR YOU. Not for HER, not for your kids, not for anyone else. This is the foundation of detaching. If you start with that premise, then work on being OK with whatever comes, you will gain confidence, self respect and a healthy emotional make-up - ALL attractive qualities to a woman. But you have to LIVE these changes.
You have time before your retro session to start living those changes. Get to work man.
Shouldn't I try to get her interested in me again?
yes, by being interesting. Read what AAK wrote on trose's thread. TCB - you can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I was quietly following your thread and I am curious about something.
I get the impression that this week of planning things to do with your children doesn't seem to be "the norm" for you. I also get the impression that you are doing it more because it is what you THINK your W would want to see.
As for the whole detaching issue, you appear to be too cognizant of your W and her feelings to be doing any real detaching. But do not fret, you will get it!
