Fallgirl`s Second Thread

[cat04]

Want to say thanks to Snodderly as well. I am always interested in your take on things as you seem to be able to see all of it very clearly.

FG,

We got this far in S. We live in different rooms. I am not suppossed to ask him about anything, because "what business is it of mine anymore?" For a long time he asked me nothing, but snooped everything to find out. Then he started asking our S. Now, I don't know. Sometimes he asks me, he always tells me what he is doing (maybe waiting for me to scream, maybe to inform, who knows) I actually asked something yesterday and three hours later he went searching for the answer to give it to me. By then I had forgotten the question. LOL.

I will not seek or desire for separation or D right now. As I really started to heal and focus on things beside H, my desire for something to happen, be it reconciliation, separation, or whatever diminished greatly. But that does not mean it may not be a choice for me to make down the road. I accept that as well.

I hope your D is feeling better. I am going to suspect it may be more the stress than the other unless she is running a high fever. But if it persists much longer, please see a doctor. When my parents D, I was 9, and I had horrible stomach problems that I had never had before.

I only answer what I feel like answering and I am thoughtful in my answers, so as not to reveal too much. If he is reading now, which is really my concern, I don't believe I have said anything more than the simple truth, my feeling are my feelings no matter who likes them, and I generally don't report daily activities. In the past, when I was angry (yes I still have my moments), I wrote about everything that I was angry about. Most of it was him, his family, things that occured in our life. Yes these are things I believe he should know about, but it just added fuel to his fire of anger (he was where your H is/was recently). So although then I was being truthful, almost too truthful, him reading it created more strife. And I felt almost violated in some ways. But it was our pattern of interaction at that point. I refuse to give him much to work with anymore. Only what I choose LOL. Because I figure if he is gonna have ammo, then it might as well be the ammo then it might as well be the ammo of my choice.

Your H's mother is still trying to control him. Of course she wants to see him, he is her son. But he is doing something that she doesn't want him to do, so she is punishing him for it. My wonderful MIL, tried to do that with H almost as soon as she got back in touch with him. Here is how it went. She got angry (we did nothing), no contact with anyone for a year. Then a card to our S, thinking that would open the door. Well, I did the right thing and called to thank her. No one else bothered. Four months later, a drunken phone call. Then a phone call from a friend saying MIL was dying (now we are onto the guilt). No contact from anyone. She finally broke down and called H directly. They had a few short talks, she asked him to do a few things for her, he was too busy but provided alternate ideas. A string of angry drunken emails re:their horrible relationship. More guilt to H. No contact for about 6 weeks, then a guilt and apology ridden email, no reply. Then attempted contact via email to S again. H replied as S and I were out of town having a blast for the weekend. Then a box of goodies in the mail. Of course H called to say thankyou. Then she started wanting things from him again. Again he was busy with work. We finally saw her the day before she left the state. Said goodbye, filled with her tears, her I love you's to H, just a bunch of crap from her as she spent the entire time we were there barely speaking and talking on the phone to other people. A few text messages regarding her drive up north, then nothing more. Not even a phone call on his birthday, year number 3 of her ignoring that, and he was very upset as he thought they were sort of talking again.

Believe me when I say they try to manipulate their kids. I too have issues with the MLC title, but definately something is going on. Just watching relationship cycle with the parents is indicative of how abnormal this is. As I typed out to you the basic progression of H and MIL (she tried to weasel her way in through S and self first though, which would have been the easier road and has worked very well in the past, with no success), she had no choice but to try to contact him. Anyway, I can clearly see if a major part of his issue. As a mother, I cannot imaging being that way with my own child but my S and I have a very good R. Differences, I WANT my S to grow up and leave. I have wanted that since the day he was born. That is what kids are supposed to do. I WANT to be sure that I have provided him with the tools to be a healthy competent adult, so that I can enjoy him in that capacity as well. I WANT him to have a wonderful joy filled life. I don't believe my MIL ever knew how to want those things for her kids because she just viewed them as parts of herself that would always be under her control. But she carried the attitudes and behaviors of her parents. All of her siblings did. And these are things that have carried down into the younger generations of the family. It is very sad to watch. My S may be the only healthy one that comes out of the whole bunch. I pray for H as well. That he works through all of it.

Maybe your H will eventually go to the doctor. My H just says he has no time. All I can tell him is that if he feels it is important, he will make time. The laundry list of ills is growing weekly. I say nothing much at all. He won't get help, especially for the part that really needs it. LOL.

So sometimes I feel like we are at an impass. I make the hard choices. I don't always follow the DB principals in regard to R. I deal with H as I see fit, in terms of the adult/child. I have set boundaries and am not afraid to enforce them anymore. So I DB for me. Not for him. Not for the M. I don't know that I am completly happy yet, I am content, I have a lot of joy daily, I am comfortable right now. An I keep busy. That definately helps.