Lowneil -- update WOW

[lowneil]

First, thank you to all for your advice. Even though I probably screwed it up, ignored it, or just plain missed the point.

I have been on a roller coaster since I discovered my W's PA on 6/4/2009. I know now I handled the whole thing horribly. She said she wanted out and I was like mush. I begged her, pleaded, etc.

Then I read DB and decided that I would try to save our marriage. I still was mush, but worked on my faults in the M and became a better H and Father. I also started telephone coaching with Cheryl in addition to the posts here.

Around 8/1 I noticed she started to warm up to me even though she was still talking about D. We were closer and ML a couple of times a week.

Cheryl had me read "Love is tough" by James Dobson and I realized that I have been getting walked on for years in this M. I finally told my W last week that she was free to go and I would no longer try and keep her. I scheduled an appt with an attorney. I also ran down the list of ways that she has sabotaged our M and been absent as a mom to our two kids.

Again, I noticed some more warming even though she said she was filing for D this week.

Well, last night I got hold of her cell phone texts and she had talked with one of her friends about how her and the OM finally broke up b/c he did not want to see her anymore (he is M too). Apparently (Coach and others were right) she had been in contact with him a few times including a call to him on his bday.

I confronted her and told her it was over. She needed to pack up her things and leave. I said I was filing for divorce on the grounds of adultery and would not spend 1 more day living with a woman who would do something like this to her husband and family.

My friends, she completely broke down. She apologized like I have never seen. Begged me to let her stay and said she would do ANYTHING to hold on to me. This went on for more than an hour.

I finally sat her down and looked her in the eye and said, " I am not sure if I can live in this relationship anymore. If you want to rebuild our marriage, first you have to earn your way back in. You need to put your wedding ring on and focus on being the best wife and mother you can be. You need to never again do something that would be disrepectful to me and our family. You need to be completley transparent and earn back my trust. All of this will take time and I can't guarantee that even then I will want to stay with you, but those are the ground rules if you really want to save this marriage. If not, you can pack up and leave"

She thanked me and we ML several times. I am by no means declaring victory. But for now, our D is off. More importantly I feel like I have my self respect back, no matter what happens in with my M.

Looking back I have lots of regrets:

1. I should have been a better H and father long ago. I should have worked hard to meet her needs and listen to her.
2. When I knew our M was in trouble (long before the EA/PA) I should have gotten us help.
3. The minute I first learned of the EA (2/2009) I should have made the stand I made tonight and saved myself and my family over six months of BS and craziness.

Books that I read included:

1. DB
2. 5 Love Languages
3. Love must be tough

I will continue to post updates over the coming weeks/months. Please pray for our family.

Thanks,

A much stronger Lowneil