UPSIDE DOWN and struggling badly.

[Eskimo Nell]

Hi Oz - sorry, I forgot to wish you a Good Morning too - but you know that I do, so please forgive me (((Oz)))

You are right - why am I expecting him to be kind ... if he was that kind, he wouldn't have left me, would he? I just find the hot and cold routine a bit difficult to deal with and it signifies to me that, whilst he was 'reasonable' with me last week, I get the cold email this morning as if to say "I had a lovely weekend with OW, even though we are not going to discuss it but you should know that I am happy". See how I torture myself??? He would laugh at me for this, I just know it.

I like that you say the Alien love is buried deep under the crap in their heads. I believe that - I have to. If I believed that he has not loved me, I would crack up for sure. I guess it reminds me of being in a dark and spooky attic, looking for something that was precious - eventually you realise that you want to see it again. I just wish that H was as sentimental as I am.

Headache is clearning (((thanks))). I am perfectly sure that you are right in that it is a tension headache (I'm a nurse, so I can be sure of that!) and I know that I slept badly last night, despite the two babies being on the bed and watching over me. It's like they know that I am in a bad place and they are so gorgeous in keeping me company - I swear that they understand.

Now, as for the email, as I said H was very matter of fact. I had asked him some advice re practicalities of the garden and he answered very 'to the point'. I had mentioned that I was going to dig out the lawnmower and he said that he would give me a lesson in how to use it when he comes down this week (I should say that I am not totally pathetic but this is a new petrol mower that I have never even seen before, never mind used)!!

No mention of what day he is planning to visit and no asking if I was doing anything, so as to fit in with my plans. So, how do I answer?? I have left it for now and almost feel that I shan't respond until tomorrow as I have been 'too busy'. I am finding it hard to decipher the difference between 'playing games' (which is how he will see it)and doing a 180! How about something like "Thanks for your email. Sorry that I didn't reply yesterday as I was so busy. I will be happy for your advice when you visit later in the week. See you then'.

Trouble is, that still doesn't tell me when he is coming down and I need to know! I also noted in this email that he did not use my name, or his own. The little (xx) kisses that we always used are long gone from him - and from me, recently - not that he has noticed, or commented.

The other thing, Father's Day is on Sunday. I have always got him a card from the cats - as he does for me on Mother's Day. Now I don't know whether to send it or not - it's written and here on my desk, stamped and ready to go. I haven't bought a present this year (as is usually common practise for us both). Do I post the card, give it to him when he comes down or just put it in the bin as a (cruel) 180?? I think that it would really upset him not to get a card from the mogs but who knows? I really wouldn't mind him feeling the pain that I felt when I got nothing from him on my birthday but you don't always have to sink to the other person's level, do you. Any thoughts??