Donna--finding herself #37

[cat03]

oh no! let's hope he got away safely !

[Reincarnated]

Consider how productive and forward moving you are now. Compare that to your life in your marriage. Beginning to see that life in your old M was flattening you more than you knew?

I don't know about that. It's just...different.

While I was married:

I had two wonderful kids and was blessed to be able to stay home with them for at least their first year.
While I was pregnant with my daughter, I completed a 20-week institute on parent leadership/civics, then went on to join AmeriCorps. My then-husband was super-supportive, going to each class with me after the baby was born so he could bring her into me when she needed to nurse, ensuring I could finish the class.
I never felt pressured to work.

I went on to be hired in my career, which I love (teaching art).

I got involved in Girl Scouts at the local and county level.

I was a straight-A student pursuing my master's.

I felt like I had good friends, with good families. That my life was full of supportive and loving people.

I was able to be there for my sister while she graduated high school, then collage, and then as she married.

I was able to be there for my mom at the end of her life.

And I felt like I was in a solid, loving marriage to my best friend.


Now, I can look back and see that things weren't perfect, but flattening...? No, I felt supported, for the most part. I was happy, and comfortable, and felt loved.


I had a good life.

Don't get me wrong- I am making a good life, again. Just very different. I lost so much;and have been working hard on rebuilding things, looking at stuff that hadn't been dealt with. I'm not convinced that it is better. Not yet. Maybe that will come in time. But, maybe our unique coping mechanisms meshed very well, for the time that they did.

Now, I am much more reflective. I have turned attention to my spirituality. I have had to build all new relationships - family, friends. I am in complete control of my financial and household matters, along with the responsibilities and stresses that it encompasses. I can see different opportunities that weren't available to me before.

But I have paid a big price. And so have my kids.

There were compromises in my marriage. But I think there always need to be compromises when two people come together to share a life.

Things change.

I am struggling to get back to a fraction of my productivity and engagement in life. I feel like I have had to start all over again. None of the "bonuses" have been worth all of this - just making due with second-best.

Now, instead of building my life and foundation on the love of my life, I will have to build it on myself. Seems lonelier, if safer. My innocence is gone; my ability to trust will never be the same - I know what people are capable of, now. I will never regret loving him as much as I did. And even as I might realize that he is not good for me (as he has now chosen to be), I still love him. Yep, I know full well that I love people who don't necessarily deserve it. If this is a flaw or a weakness or whatever, I'd rather be like this than another way.

Simply put - when was my life better, 1999 or 2009?

1999. Definitely. But we can't go back. So, I'll try to learn, try to keep growing and becoming a better person, and move forward.

Do we really have any other choice?

[Kalni]

Donna,
I am dealing with the same realizations. As I read somewhere, the choice is actually between being, staying and feeling a victim or becoming a survivor. Actually, the way I see it there is only one choice:surviving.
Stay strong,
K

[oldtimer]

Oh no! Any side of the long-eared one?

[mishka422]

Yeah, I hope the poor little bunny didn't end up as dinner.

[MichelleLT]

Wow!

I hope the bunny got away. Nice of her to give you $$ though.

I also feel the same way about my M. But STBXH as he is now is not a person I would ever have dated or married - the alcoholism alone would send me running lol.

And I choose to survive, and thrive. Because what else can I do? And you gotta make it fun, cuz otherwise, what's the point?

[Reincarnated]

Still no sign of the bun...which may be a good thing (no carcass-toy brought over by the dogs to play with). I am going to set out a hav-a-hart trap, but can't think of what to even bait it with - I mean, there is an acre of nice yummy grass all around, why is she going to crawl into the cage?

On an up note, we went today, and the kids adopted another bunny. And a sister bunny. Yep, two; one for each. The dog is going ape-sh!t at the sliders, but they are LOCKED now, so hopefully she'll settle down, too.

Both of the kids start school tomorrow- I can't believe it! S14 is already giving me crap about school work, though - he did his summer reading, but was supposed to take notes (reader responses). And he didn't. And says that he can write about whatever they ask while he's at school off the top of his head.
I've got to let go of it - he struggled with schoolwork last year, had a barely-acceptable report card because he didn't do homework or study much, and just gave excuses, etc. He begged me (too late) to help him, then. It was really too late. Now, he wants me to back off and let him try it out on his own again, says he knows what he did wrong and it will be different. I said, how is not bringing the notes anything different? Looks like the same-old stuff to me...
Gave him the final deal - if his interim report comes back with any crap, he is grounded until he shows me the grades. I need to firm-up these expectations - no divorce excuse anymore.

Ugh! He is turned into such a snot at times - always "right," I always MUST be wrong, talking back and being fresh....anything that has to do with control issues over him (chores, school work, etc.). I keep reminding him that I am the parent, and he has to do what I say, even if he doesn't like it. Explaining my reasoning is a courtesy, and if he keeps pushing, he is going to start hearing "Because I said so, and I'm the Mom!" And other times, he is just great, a sweet, caring kid.....makes me bananas.

I know--their job to push, my job to pull. But what a PITA.


So, they will be ready, at any rate. Clothes laid out, breakfast table set, alarms on, bags packed. And I have the rest of the week with them at school and me getting things done before my school starts next week.

****

Interesting thought about if X is anyone who I would want to date or marry, if we had just met...

[whatisis]

School tomorrow! Wow, what a blessing. We've got two more weeks before school starts here. I'm moving to where you're at!

[SunFunOne]

So S14 is giving you a hard time. Take it from me - you're just getting started so be strong. It was my experience that teen boys are a piece of cake compared to raising a teen girl, especially one you're raising on her own. UGH! Ashley was 100 times more difficult than Brandon. And even at almost 21 - she still pushes my buttons and gives me grief at times. Though I can honestly say today that I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Back to school is always a good thing. Routine. New plans. Goals. Fresh starts.

You ARE a survivor now. Now it is up to you to create the life you really want. Figure it out. Do Overs can be a blessing.

Barb

[mishka422]

Good luck with the back to school Donna! Is S14 starting high school then or was he already there? I can't remember.

Yes, 14 is such a PITA age! They know everything, don't think they need to ask to do anything, eat everything in sight (and even the stuff you thought you hid where you could ration it out!), and generally are 'too big' to be 'mothered'.