I understand about your kids and OM. And I didnt mean you were harsh on your decsriptions of your wife. BUT, unfortunately at this point you have to be very careful not to come across as using the kids as an excuse to make her break off with him.
PS Guys, please, respect his wife. What is this BS about being M and dating? The woman was an LBS that did all she could. And I dont think any of us can blame her for moving on with her life. If she was posting here, what would you advise HER to do AFTER she felt calm and maybe happy?
I don't know about everyone else but I have tons of respect for my wife. I also feel that it's not fair to the kids to immerse them in OM's life and family, etc. so quickly. That's been the only issue on the table here as far as I know. She was very specific and demanding with me about introducing OW to my kids. In fact she suspected me of doing so even though I had already ended it (once I left we didn't communicate about OW anymore at all). So I didn't come the conclusion about the kids without much thought, deliberation and consultation with my C and C's colleagues who specialize in children. I've read many books trying to understand separation and divorce.
In my heart I don't believe that W would ever do anything to jeopardize kids on purpose. When talked about the kid thing and immersing them into OM's life too quickly, we cried together and she said she was just doing the best that she could do. I believe her. She said that she did not know how to reverse out of the situation she had gotten into. I understand that. Honestly, when I came back into the scene begging forgiveness and wrecking everything, he turned the heat way up. He put more pressure on her and he made plans for her and the kids non-stop. Immersed them in his entire family. Told his kids that they were dating. She is still in a tough state emotionally and doesn't seem to be able to say know very easily. I have no idea how aggressive or controlling this other guy is. Either way I made the sitch even worse.
Everything you said about W is true. I left, I forced her to move on, she should feel no guilt. But I still pray every night that she can find it in her heart to forgive and trust me again.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
I understand about your kids and OM. And I didnt mean you were harsh on your descriptions of your wife. BUT, unfortunately at this point you have to be very careful not to come across as using the kids as an excuse to make her break off with him.
Yes. I can see where I'm pushing the boundaries on this a little bit. I honestly don't know what to do here. I want to take the high road and be the bigger man through all of this. I also don't want to be perceived as not caring and fighting for my family as another man is aggressively going after them...or at least my wife. It appears to me that he is actually using his kids and our kids as leverage in all of this. I think that's wrong but again I want to take the high road...hard....sigh.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
Oh, RSF. I think about you a lot. I’m not sure what I would have done if my H had started up with someone like your W has. It’s hard and you are a brave man. I could be completely off here, so take this with a grain of salt and not as advice per se….BUT…. If I put myself in your wife’s shoes, where you left and I fought for the relationship, got tired and moved on…..what would it take for my H to save the marriage…..? That’s the million dollar question right? I think I would want him to be firm in his fight for me. But not annoying and pleading. Maybe every now and then just a quick comment that I’m not expecting….Hey, just wanted to remind you, I’m still in this for us.” And that’s it, nothing more….maybe as I’m hanging up the phone, or I just picked up the kid, whatever. Compliments would go a long way too. Sending me flowers with just his name on it would be sexy. I don’t know….actions that are almost like having an affair with my H without the guy I’m dating knowing….it’s exciting. I tend to believe you have an opportunity to be the OM.
Thanks for thinking of me. I really, really like what you have to say. I feel a little bit like something is changing with W but I dare not make any assumptions or change my behavior. I'm going to keep on going, be the best partner to her and father to kids that I can. She is definitely testing me whether intentional or subconscious. I do occasionally slip in an ILY or you look pretty. Not too much though. I don't get a response to ILY and I wouldn't expect one but I get warm thank yous otherwise. I'm trying to set myself up for her attitude changing. I know OM has been out of town so we'll see what happens when he returns.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
I wish I had had this forum 1 1/2 months ago when I was begging and grovelling and calling my wife at OMs house. My actions didn't help things much I suspect.
Na, if I were her I'd want some groveling. 1 1/2 months is fine.
I do occasionally slip in an ILY or you look pretty.
I think it is better not to do this...but, your call.
It would help if I knew why? Is there anything you can share?
Last edited by RedSoxFan; 08/25/0903:43 AM.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
I wish I had had this forum 1 1/2 months ago when I was begging and grovelling and calling my wife at OMs house. My actions didn't help things much I suspect.
Na, if I were her I'd want some groveling. 1 1/2 months is fine.
Actually, I'm not sure what you mean here either? Are you saying that I should have been grovelling and calling her at OM's house 1 1/2 months ago? She seemed pretty POed about it then.
Are you saying I should still be doing it?
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
I do occasionally slip in an ILY or you look pretty.
I think it is better not to do this...but, your call.
It would help if I knew why? Is there anything you can share?
Because it is pursuing and it is a no-no in the book. I am trying to think of how that would feel to me and I think it would be...not good. I might like H to notice very specific things but not sure. The less you say the better, most likely.
Even now, I have lost interest in hearing H compliment and I don't even have a boyfriend. I just feel like, what's the point? What do you want from me?
So, really when you compliment her, I suppose it exhibits that you have an agenda...everything is loaded. Does that make sense?
