Dear H, I can't add to the expertise you're getting here but I hope you take it to heart. I, too have been in denial about a possible A, and it's painful as hell to think about, but somewhere on this board I read if you just assume it, and go on w your goals etc., it won't be such a kick in the teeth if it comes out later. H has denied it, and I REALLY wanted to believe it, but he is not about to tell me if were so. So please please hang in there, you are not alone. It's so very hard I know - It's like being stuck on a rollercoaster that you can't get off of. In the dark. And you're the only one on it. :-) I know you're emotionally exhausted. This is truly a marathon & we just don't know how long. I don't have any answers but every day I learn something new on here, there's not just one way to do this DB thing. Every sit. is a little different & it's hard to know what may or may not work for you. It's a lot of trial & error (for me anyway!). For me reading as many posts as I can that apply my sit., learning about detachment & talking to a DB coach is. As Stronger (I think) said it didn't help her. The 1st DB coach I talked to was just semi-helpful so I asked for a different person, & the 2nd one was completely awesome. She really ties the concepts to my own sit. in a way I can't seem to do myself right now. And helps me see things through a different perspective. For me, this helps. I recommend giving it a try if you have the $$.
I am wishing good things for you. I hope you do something nice for yourself today. I'll try to take my own advice!
