K4D Rising #4

[K4D]

25,

In the past, I had quit going to C and AA earlier on and did not mention it. I can't deny that. I wasn't comfortable in either situation whether it was right or wrong. And yes, I did ask you privately to not give up on me earlier on.

Granted I have posted my own thoughts here way to often when it comes to my W. But honestly, if you look at where I was starting out versus now, in a lot of ways I am doing better. When I started out I could not stop the R talk with W. I was not eating and I was not getting by mentally and emotionally. I was falling to peices at every step of the way. I was pursuing W heavily. I'm not doing those things anymore. Yes, I have taken a long time to make some progress. But I have made some progress although some would want to disagree.

I am in a much healthier state of mind now. Had it not been for everyone on this site, I will be honest... I was borderline suicide because I was so devastated by everything. I even called a suicide hotline one night in Florida. I hate to admit that, but its true. I no longer am anywhere near that anymore. I have long since come back from being that far down in depression. I am doing very well with my girls. They do REALLY have an appointment with the C on Wednesday. I will be more than happy to talk about it after. I don't pursue W anymore. When I dropped my girls off this morning, I did not go into the house. I simply waited out in the car until W let them in. When she comes over I am hospitable, but I keep my emotions in check. Of course it is hard after she leaves. I do have real feelings. But I don't show them when she is around.

True I think about W and I post here when I am. But I am still living life and doing what I have to. I go to different AA meetings because there isn't one group that meets every night of the week. Each night is a different section of the 12 step program and sometimes in different locations.

Do I want her back? Yes I do. Do I know anything is possible with God? Yes I do, although I may grow weary at times. I think that is normal.

FaithfulH would lose faith at times and would want to quit. I do to, but then I am reminded not to and to keep praying for W and M restoration through rejoice ministries.

25, I am very grateful for everyone taking the time and resources to post to me. And I have taken a lot of advice and applied it. But I can't take every single persons advice and do it all at once. It takes time.

Wifey was just saying if it doesn't appear to be working, try something different or not post. Thats all. She wasn't attacking anyone.

And if people want to abandon or leave or whatever, that is ok to. I understand. I have been given a ton of helpful advice and I have so much to use and apply and I apply bits and peices here and there.

Sure, maybe my beliefs are different than others as far as a M being a one time shot and being a covenant, etc. Thats ok. I stand by them. And maybe I refuse to believe a M is dead just because it looks that way to the human eye. And maybe people think I shouldn't pray for M restoration because maybe it isn't Gods will. Ok, fine. I disagree, but that is ok. What really brought me back to that was rejoice ministries. Because I was ready to give up and walk away to knowing in my heart it was wrong. But now I have come back to stand for my M regardless of what the circumstances look like. And I will keep praying for it.

I let W live her own life. Ya, sure, it hurts when she is with OM. Some say I shouldn't let it bother me by detaching. But I can't just completely remove feelings like that. But I don't interfere with it. I just let her live how she wants and I do what I have to.

I think CG has also offered wonderful resources. And yes, I can clearly admit that other people have health problems that far out weigh my situation. I know that and admit that. It doesn't change the fact that I still have feelings for my W and M. I have a problem right now with my right leg due to injuring my back that causes me a lot of sharp pain that has not gone away. It hurts physically. But I just live with it. My focus is on my M restoration and not my leg hurting.

I'm glad your D is out of the hospital and doing better. And no, I had not read that she was in the hospital.

I don't know where all you post. I just know that some threads I read you have also posted on them.

I don't think Charlyne on rejoice ministries ever completely detached to where she had no emotions while praying for M restoration.

But I am doing a lot better than where I was when I started out on this thread. Of course I still have more to do. And yes I move slower than others at getting there.

But Wifey wasn't trying to be mean. She was just noticing the frusturation of some and saying better to not post if frusturated.

I will gladly take constructive critisizm and positive feedback. I think that sometimes the 2x4's are like machines on here. But thats just me. If someone wants to post a 2x4, fine. But it almost seems like they are sitting back ready to whack at any thought I have that is not 100% in the book.

FaithfulH used rejoice ministries and DB. He used a combination of both. He didn't fully subscribe to all of one or the other. There were times he didn't take advice from here. And there were times he did. He applied what worked for him and his sitch.

For what its worth,

Kevin

[Tomato]

holy cow 25 ....Let's let k4d's thread be used for him finding himself and making advances for himself and not for this kinda crap. t'would be nice.

I will leave it up to the host however. maybe he likes the female in fighting. who knows?

T

[K4D]

25,

If you notice, many times when I run across a thread that you have posted on, I tell that person to listen to what you have to say because I think your knowledge, wisdom, and experiance is so invaluable and can help so many people. If I didn't think so much of what you can do to help people, I wouldn't say that to them or ask you if you can help someone that is struggling.

I admit that I am not perfect and I have had my fair share of setbacks. But I think you offer an entire world of help to people who really need it and I am glad you are a poster on DB. I am very glad that your M has been restored or at least is on a very good track to be. I am glad you have figured things out in your life. I am always amazed when I read your stories of different life examples that you give to people. I sit there and think wow, this person has really experianced a lot of different things and can help so many people. And I am glad that you have a heart to help so many people. That says a lot about you.

I am sorry that I have frusturated you. It seems like I have that ability according to my W and others. It isn't deliberate. It just seems to be a big thing I am continuing to have to work on.

I am grateful to everyone on here. Some move through things faster than others. Some have more setbacks than others. Some have more difficult circumstances than others. Either way, we all have feelings of some sort and all want the same goal for the most part. Some just get there faster than others and I am glad when they do. There is nothing better or more rewarding than to have another M restored. In my opinion, that is the end goal or should be on this website. Some think the ultimate goal is to just be happy with yourself. And that is. But after a period of time, that can become empty if you really want to share your life with someone and especially your S.

The single life has never been a desire of mine and never will be. Sure I can go out and have fun and do things and I do. But ulimately coming home every night to an empty house is not going to be very rewarding after a while.

Kevin

[PMA_Baby!]

I stick by everything that 25 said. Those of us that have been year for almost a year feel the same way.

Kevin is right. He does owe his current mindset to 25 and others that cared enough to take the time to write LONG posts about what he SHOULD be doing. Those of you that have not been a part of Kevin's story from the very beginning should stay out of it. He knows how long this process has taken and is still taking.

The truths hurts. If Kevin wanted to have sunshine blown up his butt then he could have gone somewhere else.

I firmly believe Kevin is where he is today because of the wise words and advice he learned from 25 and others that took the time to write to him. It's so easy to come in after and judge. If he didnt want feedback then he should have not written on an OPEN website.

Just ask Kevin. He'd be glad to explain it for you.

PMA

[K4D]

I will leave it up to the host however. maybe he likes the female in fighting. who knows?

No. I am not interested in anyone fighting. This is supposed to be a support group. I don't believe Wifey was trying to stir anything at all. I believe she was just pointing out something that didn't appear to be working and suggested an alternative and she was just showing the post as an example.

I talked to Wifey on the phone after the post and so I know this was the case. Her intentions were good and I knew they were. We talked about a few different things and that was just one of the things we talked about. My question to Wifey was about what I had been posting. And she summed it up really good for me. She said there is no need to post every single thought that I have and maybe just focus on posting when I need advice. I thought that was really good.

Kevin

[K4D]

I believe what Wifey said was just taken the wrong way or out of context. I happen to like KJ very much. She called me when I had a major setback and talked to me for a good while when I didn't think anyone should have any reason to talk to me.

Since then she has followed up with me on phone calls and really cares about me and my girls and how we are doing. She doesn't let me get away with things. She just simply approaches them from another angle.

Its nice having people that I can pick up the phone and call or that call me when I am down and out and by myself.

I also spoke to FaithfulH a couple of times and he also helps boost me.

Infact, FaithfulH and Tomato are coming down to Dallas this coming weekend and we are going to be hanging out together again and having a good time. I'm looking forward to that.

Yes I owe where I am today to many people such as 25, Wifey, FaithfulH, CG, DW, A&K, PMA, Tomato, VD, and even though he is kind of hard to take sometimes, lol, Stuck808 also. But also to the many other people that have posted to me and spent time helping me. I can't list them all, but I am sure grateful for them all. And those that no longer post on here as well.

Everyone has different approaches and they all help in their own ways. Some 2x4's are harder to take than others. I think everyone means well. I think that sometimes frusturation just sets in. Believe me, I am the most frusturated with my situation. I beat myself up a lot over the mistakes I make.

I have the hardest time not reflecting on mistakes I make and made. But you have to start building with one lego at a time. I have a couple of legos in place, but many more to go.

Kevin

[PMA_Baby!]

You sound good Kev. PMA Baby!!!

Keep it up!

PMA

[K4D]

Thanks PMA,

I am.

Kevin

[antlers]

"Butterfly wings are extremely delicate." - The Wifey


Wow!

[jon2911]

I also spoke to FaithfulH a couple of times and he also helps boost me.

Infact, FaithfulH and Tomato are coming down to Dallas this coming weekend and we are going to be hanging out together again and having a good time. I'm looking forward to that.

That sounds fun! I might need to join you guys. After this weekend I need it.