I was just wondering about the name change. It’s really neither here nor there for me. That’s a you choice.
Family….you have to be very very careful about being critical of family. Yes, that’s a big deal if it makes you uncomfortable. There are plenty of things about my in laws I find odd, but over all they are great people. Never once have I been critical of H’s family….advice I received from my mother and it was very simple. After H asked me to marry him my mother told me “There will NEVER be a good time to criticize this family. You keep your mouth shut. If there ever comes a time there are children and something happens, say nothing. If it’s really big and you have to say something figure out a way to do it without his family knowing.” Meaning, if they said something in front of S I didn’t like, do nothing at the moment, but later alone with S, tell him “Don’t use that word, it’s only for grown ups” and still not one critical word for the family. I know it’s been great advice for me.
Whatever he’s going through, whatever changes you’ve noticed, you can do NOTHING about it. The only option you have is to do nothing and see how it plays out.
“it's not all my fault that he did not assert himself as much as he could, though i know i played a part too.” Make up your mind, is it or is not your fault?
Somehow, someway, you did help create this monster. You have to figure out what you contributed to this and work on it. It was difficult for me to go through the process and I got a lot more out of it when H finally did open up and told me some things that bugged him about me and my way of handling some things and about our marriage. It was painful to hear and eye opening. It was difficult to understand I did have a part in this. Granted, I did not make him act the way he did during the separation, he chose to do that. But I did have a part in getting us to this unhappy place in our marriage.
Why would you contact him? I’m thinking going dark is the better option for you. Listen to Gucci.
“And how would/could I help let him know this by my actions in weeks ahead?”
What I did was pretty simple to make my H feel manly. It was advice from my DB coach and my therapist, so I put a lot faith in both. I needed a light bulb change. I asked H to do it. There were simple things I asked him to do. Then I asked him to do bigger things for me that were no brainers, like picking things up for the house and he still mowed the lawn, etc. Sometimes, it’s not that complicated. A little damsel in distress goes a long way. Then it got bigger when I need “advice” about work stuff, etc. H loved to help with that.
I’m sorry about your mother but glad H was good enough to call.
The healing process and hanging out…you have to be around him so he can learn to be comfortable with you first, then it turns into wanting to hang out with you because it’s so nice to be around you.
Here’s something to keep in mind….your H may really want a divorce. My H did. For sure, but I was able to DB and I’m still DBing. I’m confident and happy that he really no longer wants a divorce at best or is still confused and waiting to see if my changes are real, at worst or minimum. But bottom line, we are by his words “dating” again. So you have to risk it, you have to hang out with him. Or you could quit now.
Never send him that email from your family member. I can’t think of anything else more pursuing. If you reconcile, show it to him then.
No, my H never filed. How the process works where you are, you would have to investigate it.
Reading the books should make it easier to detach. The book helped me understand my H is driven by not wanting to be ashamed. And right now much of his weirdness is the fact he does feel ashamed and it’s pretty much his fault. And the only thing I can do to help him is not talk about it. Pretty much like the book says.
When you do talk with him, let him make contact first, and if you’re really busy and GALing that should be no problem. Yes, when you do interact with him, it needs to be comfortable. But don’t force it. Meaning, if you weren’t all that funny before, you probably aren’t going to pull it off now. But if you were and you two laughed a lot, then you can do it again.
I personally would not bring up MC with him or Retro. I’d let it lay for a bit and see where your new changes take you first. I think asking him now for MC or Retro is like asking a new vegetarian to eat a burger….basically they would feel like you don’t respect their choice and think it’s stupid. Whether you feel this way or not doesn’t matter….if they think you feel that way, they will resent you.
Here’s something I want you to understand: My H did want a divorce yes, in January and also in April. (April is more iffy, but highly probable.) But when I said I would fight him on it, he was pissed. I did that because A.) I was serious. And B.) He was pushing hard hard hard. And at first, I said “Ok, I understand that’s something you need to explore.” And left it at that. But then he started to really push me and I told him, “I understand you think I was agreeing to the D…I’m not. I’ll fight this.” So telling him I would fight the D was my last resort on that subject. And it worked for me. While it worked for me, that doesn’t mean I will endorse it for everyone. Everyone has to go through that fight on their own, but I tell you so you can have as many options or weapons, if you will. I just wanted to be clear on that.
Also in the book you are reading, it clearly explains the high majority of men leave their marriages with someone already lined up or they have their eye on someone. Believe in that statement. They’ve done their research and it’s very common here. When I first got here, I already knew there was the OW. It was a hard hard blow. But me and many others here are living proof, the OP can be beaten. And sometimes you don’t have to beat them, sometimes they just blow up on their own.
And I have read NOTHING from anyone that says give up. I’ve only seen the support you’ve been asking for. Re-read the posts again. NO ONE SAID GIVE UP. That’s not what we do here. This is the most odd place I’ve ever experienced in my life in that it’s been just like my bra….very supportive and close to my heart. LOL! (I got that from a stupid email.)
When we say back off, that’s not giving up. That’s a tactic you’ve yet to try and really give it your all. You said he only contacts you to beg for money and lately to check in with you and your family. Backing off is a way to protect yourself and keep your head in the game. Let’s say you back off and that makes him chase? Good stuff, right? Let’s say you back off, and he only continues to contact you for crap he needs, like money? Then you would learn to be disappointed him and able to back away even more and eventually let go. While not your first choice, it does help protect you and prepare you. Do you understand?
None of us know for sure what your H is going through. We do know however, what you are.
