The DB two step

[MrBond]

Hey Doc,

I've been following your sitch for awhile, but I forgot way in the beginning. Was there an OM?

I think you need to detach. What you're doing right now isn't working. Don't give her attention she doesn't want. Go out and not think about her. Take care of yourself for yourself. See if she wants to come along for the ride. But do not seek her approval or ask her about the R.

It's just not working right now.

[Dr LOve]

Hey Doc,

I've been following your sitch for awhile, but I forgot way in the beginning. Was there an OM?

It's just not working right now.

YOU ARE SOOOO RIGHT.
I am tired of Kissing A@@ Yes there was a OM. Ya know OT and everyone else... Romancing her, Caring for her Trusting her is what got me into this mess in the first place.
NOT demanding respect, not standing up to the affair in the first place because I was weak is why I am here today. I have nothing further to say to wife until she wants to talk about what the He11 is going on. If she wants to live in another room that is not ok with me. She needs to think about herself also and move out.
I have detached in the past. I thought I was finely rebuilding our R But I was right when I posted She just gives me enough to be on life support.
I really think it is time to totally detach and get my own life. It’s time to let everyone know we are “separated”... No I am not going to “out” what wife did but if anyone asks ME why I can’t work things out I will just tell them she does not want to be married anymore…let her explain………..

[Yoyowife]

Sorry Doc, things are going so rough. After reading your updates, I do understand your feelings. Things did seem to be a little better for a while. I wish I had words of wisdom for you. It does seem you have a lot of soul searching to do and detaching to see what you want to do. You have definitely tried to meet her in the middle.

[Dr LOve]

Thanks Yoyo,

Ya know the main problem is that W needs to face her own Demons,
I understand the "philosophy" of "we both are to blame" but I NEVER did anything to justify this. I NEVER lied to her, I NEVER beat her, I Never belittled her, and I ALWAYS gave her anything she asked for. So her not making it clear that something is wrong, Her not trying to work it out together to see if we can "fix" our problems justifies an affair? Justifies me losing my dignity?
It’s like saying it was my fault that she got drunk and killed someone in an accident.
UNTIL she accepts what happened and wants to really fix it then all I am doing by letting it go and pretending everything is all right is enabling her…” I’m sorry you got drunk and drove... It’s just as much my fault as yours. Don’t worry about the guy that died... That is in the past let’s move on”…….
Was out of the house early this morning. When I got home wife walked right past me in the kition not saying a word………….as SHE would say…. “oh well”

[Dr LOve]

Well today was actually an ok day. Got allot of work done on my truck. W and I said very little to each other. W was up to her old tricks of buying son something. I take him places, do things with him. Today W got him a new phone...
She spent most of the day on her computer.
I'm coasting for awhile. Planning my road trip. Letting her stew for now. I am not mad or angry just tired. I did not sleep well last night. AND I know MIL is going to be talking positives about me to W tonight during her nightly call because I did go over to see her today. (Did not say anything about anything) she just likes it when someone comes over and watches T.V with her. Gives her and excuse having vodka water (I Have JD over the rocks. Should sleep well tonight. Take care everyone will keep ya posted

[MrBond]

Detach.

My W is exactly in the spot your W is in now. She's been having a pissy attitude lately, but I think it's depression. Not my concern though. If she wants to stay depressed, it's up to her.

Continue to live your life and do what you want to do without involving her. Have you been going out with friends without contacting her?

[oldtimer]

Doc,

Sorry you are hurting. Try to relax a bit, and don't make any decisions. You are swinging wildly. And, it would be false to say that W doesn't want to be married. She has told you quite clearly that she wants to remain married.

As for your efforts with W, I can't really comment as you didn't explain what you meant by "tried to fool around." But, I do question your timing. W seems to very much like relaxing to her soaps, it seems to be her nightly ritual. So, if you are trying to choose your time wisely, soap time is probably not the best time. Your reactiveness here isn't going to help things.

Detachment is good. Indeed, as I've said before, it is essential for true intimacy. Passionate Marriage is really worth a look.

[whatdidido]

Oldtimer has been saying most of my thoughts for you, but wanted you to know that I AM here, and rooting for you.

[Dr LOve]

stuck808, oldtimer,whatdidido

Thanks. I really did not want to post today..(Thanks yoyo for the E-mail)

OLDTIMER… I expected you to jump all over my case…

Whatdidido.. Thanks



Stuck808,

My wife has not really been in a happy mood for a long time. Her family has tried to get her to go see a doctor about maybe taking some AD meds but she refuses, she also has a very low self esteem. But there are good times also…

“Sorry you are hurting. Try to relax a bit, and don't make any decisions. You are swinging wildly. And, it would be false to say that W doesn't want to be married. She has told you quite clearly that she wants to remain married.

Yes,Yes ,Yes.. Maybe I am going through menopause. I was trying to be aggressive like you have been telling me but I don’t want to “force myself” on anyone.

“As for your efforts with W, I can't really comment as you didn't explain what you meant by "tried to fool around."
If you are referring to something I wrote awhile back about me. It was not intentional. I was at a party and had been drinking and so was this woman and she wanted me to go “hot tubing with her. And I was going to go but “chickened out” last minute...



But, I do question your timing. W seems to very much like relaxing to her soaps, it seems to be her nightly ritual. So, if you are trying to choose your time wisely, soap time is probably not the best time. Your reactiveness here isn't going to help things.
Ya again you are right.. But timing is difficult in this house with a 12 yo running around. Don’t worry I will not do anything I can’t “take back”….or “Undo”


Detachment is good. Indeed, as I've said before, it is essential for true intimacy. Passionate Marriage is really worth a look.
I have not given up… I do feel I kind of took a few steps backwards though.

So OT Do I comment on what has transpired these last two days or just get back on track. I almost went out and bought flowers today while wife was out but I am so confused (AGIAN)

OT I wish you lived close by so we could talk face to face over a drink. You wouldn’t happen to be in the Washington state area in a few weeks will ya????

Today was a good day also. This morning I was out cutting wood and W called me on the phone all excited because my picture was in the local news paper for the reserve work I do. We had a DUI check point Friday and the paper caught me in the background doing a sobriety test on a motorist.
When I got home we were back to talking normal again……Actually W is at her Gym right now. First time in months. It pains me to always hear her talk about “being fat” (I don’t think she is fat) but never does anything about it

For what is is worth My Horisccpe for today…


You are quite reserved today, yet your highest hopes might still be pinned to a shooting star that's on its way up. Your current intensity is tied to your positive attitude, yet you can be overly dramatic when you finally tell your story. But don't get tricked into believing that everything needs to come out in the open today. It's a process and if you do it gradually, it will be easier on everyone involved.

[saffie]

Doc,

Just face it - your W has lost her passion. It's not just you she doesn't fancy....it's just IMO she doesn't feel fanciable by anyone. Next time she talks about her weight ask her if she wants a gastric band! It's not a hard equation - she needs to burn more calories than she put in her mouth.

I know I feel it hard to empathise with her on that one because I am not overweight....but even so I have bits about myself I don't like - most of us do. Your W just seems to not like herself in any way and she lives her life through your son, which will eventually, (at best), will lead to disappointment as on day he will leave her and find a girl of his own, and at worst she will give him hang ups.

When it comes to OM, to be brutally honest you have not forgiven her for what happened. I get a very strong feeling that sex with your W is almost like a dog marking it's territory again. I am not saying that is unusual- I was like that with my H after OW- I felt that I wanted my mark back on him again. However, OM does still stand between you and your W very much. I have lost count of the times you have said you forgive your W about OM and then it crops up again. The fact that you keep saying it says volumes.

I almost feel that until YOU go and cheat on your W you will never feel you have evened the score and that also that might perhaps jolt your W into jumping one way or the other.

I think she feels smothered by you. She runs to her soaps to escape from reality. Reality has not beeen great to you guys recently with her job losses and then yours, and yet you Doc, are able to be sunny and look on the bright side....which sometimes to a depressed person can seem annoying.

You rescue your W the whole time because you love her and you love her family. You are the classic nice guy, even after all you have read etc. Personally I think it's time to let her fall down and pick herself up. Let her learn just exactly what life would be without your support. You act depressed, you let her pick up after you, you start moaning about your weight, (even if you have no reason to), moan about your leg, moan about job prospects generally.....stop being her rock.

Let's face it, you have tried everything else. She doesn't know how lucky she is to have you and secretly I think you think that to, which is why you haven't let go of this OM thing- and be real honest - you haven't.

I agree it's too early to get steamy with ther. I think she needs to see that you are desirable to other people and that if she doesn't change her tune she will lose you.

Sure she wants to be married....just exactly the way she is....it suits her. So either decide if you can live with a M on these terms or decide what you are going to do to change it.

I know this all comes across as a bit harsh doc, but I have been with you a long time and you know I care, and you are just going round in circles. Your W needs taking out of her comfort zone. Move her in with her mother and you keep Anthony with you.