First Piecing Thread

[whatdidido]

Either flat out ask her, or enjoy that you are closer than you have been in a long time. Guessing, at this point, is not good because you/we could be way off.

You two sound really good....getting closer and closer......I'm happy for you. Enjoy it.

[Hope4us]

Thanks WDID. I did ask her, Sat night, and she couldn't/wouldn't open up to me.

But the weekend was VERY GOOD. I'd almost say GREAT.

Friday night we went out to dinner. Had a nice time and it was a nice evening out so we went for a drive after dinner. Held hands the whole time. At one point, W sneezed and we didn't have any tissues/napkins in the car so she said, "I guess you won't want to hold my hand after that", and I replied, "you're probably right". So a minute later she went digging in her purse and found a bottle of hand sanitizer and she said "woohoo" while showing me the bottle. So we got to hold hands the rest of the trip. Got home and spent a quiet evening at home. Went to bed and snuggled before falling asleep.

Saturday was a great day. We went for a drive around Amish country and stopped at a couple of our favorite Winery's. At the first one there was a duo playing some acoustic music and one of the songs said something about wedding rings and I looked at W and said "yeah, wedding rings would be nice" and she said "I know. I just don't know if they'll fit". She's lost probably 30 pounds since this all started and she last wore her rings. So I said, "I'll gladly pay to have them resized" and she said "ok, I'll try them on and if we need to resize them we will".

After a couple of samples of wine we went for a drive (no I wasn't drunk, I was on call for work) which ended up taking us all over SE Ohio. Got home around 9:30. W was holding my hand and grabbing my arm and pulling me in for kisses A LOT on the drive.

When we got home she went out on the deck to smoke and I walked outside and grabbed her by the face with one hand and put my other on the back of her head and gave her a passionate kiss. She didn't want me to stop, but I just broke the kiss and went back inside.

When she came in I met her at the door, pulled her inside and gently pushed her up against the wall and proceeded to give her a long passionate kiss. I said, "I'm going to bed, would you like to join me"? And she bout ran upstairs.

We had probably the most passionate, romantic, activity filled night in bed that I can ever remember. I'm sure there've been others like it, but man o man.....

So when we were laying there in the after glow I said to W "I love you" and she looked at me and said "I know you do". I saw this as my opening to talk about what's holding her back, so I said "W, I know you love me, but something's holding you back. Whatever it is, talk to me". And she just looked at me. I said "Look, everything is there. You talk about our future, just on our drive this evening you told me that me and the boys were the most important thing in the world to you, but there's something holding you back and even though I know you love me, I need to hear it". W replied "I know you do, and I know it's getting old, but...." and then she just closed her eyes and shook her head.

So I said "Ok, I'm not going to pressure you, but it's wearing on me and I hope you'll open up to me soon".

So we snuggled and went to sleep.

Sunday was another good day. We went shopping and did some stuff around the house.

So I know, right? Quit complaining.....but WHY CAN'T SHE OPEN UP AND TELL ME SHE LOVES ME?

[whatdidido]

Your weekend sounds really wonderful. Her actions are showing love, even if she is not able to say it. I'd rather have it that way, than the other way around.

I'll guess.....I think she is afraid to hurt you. She is having stupid feelings yet, conflicts inside herself, and to share them with you would just make them more than she can handle. She'd have to explain them to you, and I don't think she understands them herself. She wants to never say "I love you" again unless she is absolutely sure about it and it feels right and natural. She may be thinking that she said it before and felt it before when she said it to the OM and look at what happened with that.....that's confusing to her.

Again, all speculation...but, could be....

[Hope4us]

Thanks WDID.

That makes sense to me, but why won't she share that with me? I'm still here aren't I? What about my actions could give her any kind of idea that I'm not here for the long haul and willing to take anything she can throw at me?

All it does is make stupid thoughts go through my head. I know from talking to OMW that OM suggested some pretty sick stuff to her before, did he suggest it to W and because she was so F'd up she did it and she doesn't want to open up to me because she'll have to admit it?

I don't really think so, but who knows? Those are the kinds of things that go through your head......

[whatdidido]

I don't think it is because she doesn't think you can "take it". It's because the issue is HER and she knows it. Maybe she thinks if SHE can't take it, the last thing she wants is to have to let you know and have to think about your feelings on top of her own messed up ones.

It's hard to know that you can't "fix" this, I'm sure. It's really HER thing. You can tell her that there is nothing she could tell you that would change how you feel about her...but, that may not be true. You could offer ideas like a counselor or a pastor to help her deal with whatever it is......But, she needs to unload it to someone, and for whatever reason, it is not you. I'm sure she thinks she has hurt you enough.

I don't know...again, speculation.... Just keep hanging in there, Hope. You are being a extremely loving, and patient husband.

[Hope4us]

Thanks WDID.

I know this is her thing and I've suspected for a while that she is conflicted because if she truly loved me she wouldn't have had an A so how could she do that when she really loves me? It's why I've wanted her to read books or come on sites like this one and learn how it can happen, but she won't do that.

And I know she needs to unload on someone and if it's not me, she's got a build in friend that would be great for her to unload to. That friend had an A a number of years ago and W was her confidant during it. Her and her H reconciled and are happier than ever so if anyone knows what W is going through and could help her, it's this friend. But she won't open up to her either.

Oh well. Things still are really good. Been flirting up a storm on IM today and we've got a night away planned this weekend that we're both looking forward to so I'm not going to complain.....much..

[kat727]

I was thinking about you wanting her to read books on this stuff. I think we all have been there and thought if they would just read this it would explain sooo much. But I also remember with all the stuff going on in my life with, there would be times where I just couldn't even think of reading another self-help book.

Months later perhaps, I would come along and pick up that same book and think what an interesting read. I wasn't in the right frame of mind to accept what I was reading before. Maybe that is part of it.

It is obvious that she is trying to work through this and you so desperately want it to be over. But if there is one thing I have learned is that the future will get here when it is ready and not one moment sooner!

hugs, kat

[Hope4us]

Thanks Kat. I understand what you're saying.

Well well, back from our what turned out to be weekend away. It started out on a bad note. S21 called us Friday and a friend of his since grade school passed away. This young man had been fighting cancer since 8th grade. He'd fight it off and then it'd return and he finally succumbed. Our son was a good friend of his, but his two best friends are away in the military, one in Iraq and the other in North Carolina (and he can't come home for the funeral), so S21 is back in our home town for a few days. We took off Friday after work and drove to S. Ohio to get S21 and then all the way to almost Mich to pick up my mom's car so S21 could use our car for a few days.

So W and I got our hotel room for an extra night. We finally got in our room about 12:30 after driving since 3:30 that afternoon.

Yesterday we went out to an Island in Lake Erie. Had a GREAT time! We both had quite a bit to drink, but at one point during the day W said to me (I don't remember how it came up in conversation), "I love you, I've always loved you". I bout dropped my dentures. She then hugged me and said in my ear "I'm sorry". She also said she would get rid of that stupid glass that OM gave her even though it means nothing to her. I said "I believe that it might not mean anything to you, but it means A TON to me". So she said she'd take care of it.

I also managed to slip into conversation earlier in the day about "love chemicals" and how they can be almost an addiction since the part of your brain that is affected is the same area affected when someone is on cocaine or meth. She actually listed and asked a few questions.

And here's another interesting thing. We were talking to the drummer from one of the bands we were listening to and he complimented W on how she looked, etc and she was blushing, etc. He made a comment about how good her legs looked and she smiled. So after they started playing again I said to W "help me out here, earlier today I told you your legs looked great and you act like I don't know what I'm talking about and you can't take the compliment but when someone else does it, you take it as a compliment. Why?" W says "I don't know, and that's something that haunts me". Hummmm.....gonna have to work on that one. Obviously W LOVED the compliments OM gave her and that was a ticket to get in her pants when she didn't/doesn't believe me when I compliment her. WTF do I do with that? How do I get her to see/believe me when I compliment her like that?

We just had a really good time. Went back to our hotel and I think we beat the previous Saturday for passion and activity in bed.

It was just a great weekend. We got home a bit ago and I told her I had a really good time and I especially like hearing her say she loved me and she looked at me and said "I didn't say that". I said, "Yes you did. So now that the cat is out of the bag......" and she just smiled.

She's upstairs taking a nap right now and I still can't believe we're so close to making it.

I'll keep you posted.

[kat727]

You put in a heck of a lot of time and work, so sure I can see that you are so close. It doesn't happen over night as you can attest to. The compliment thing you may have to talk out. It can turn into a damned if you, damned if you don't sort of thing. I remember a former boyfriend would buy me flowers. At first it was nice because no one had done that before. Then because he gave them to me all the time, the stopped being special.

Maybe that is how your wife is taking it. Maybe too many compliments...? She just wants to feel special and loved like everyone else. Maybe showing her in different ways. I don't know just thinking out loud.

kat

[Hope4us]

Thanks Kat. I did talk to her about it last night.

And she doesn't really understand why it's that way. I told her it scared me because I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I asked her if she didn't think I was being genuine when I gave her those compliments because to her I'm her H and I'm obligated? She looked at me and paused for a second and then said "that could be part of it". I then told her that we've been married for a long time and she should know by now that I don't say things I don't honestly mean or believe. She agreed with me so then I said "if you'd like, I can quit complimenting you" and she smiled and said "no, I like your compliments, but it's hard for me when you compliment my legs for example and I don't like my legs, so it seems false to me". I told her I understood, but why then if someone else (read band guy from Saturday) compliments her legs she accepts those as real when they're the same things I've said? She didn't really have an answer for that, but she said she'd make an effort to accept the compliments I give her.

So a bit later I went to the grocery store for a quick few things and while I was there I got her some roses. When I walked in she saw them and said "those don't look like groceries" and I replied, "they're not, but these are for you" and she smiled and gave me a kiss and a thank you! Boy how the times have changed.

We talked later in the evening. Given her comment earlier when she claimed she never said she loved me, I wanted to get it out there so we could discuss. So I went as kneeled down next to where she was sitting and repeated to her all the things she said to me on Saturday. I told her again how much I liked hearing her say she loved me and she replied "I do love you". And I mentioned her comment that she's always loved me and she replied "it's true, I've always loved you". Man did it feel good to hear that.

So then we talked about that stupid glass and she again said "it doesn't mean anything to me" and I told her I understood, but it really means a LOT to me and it would really mean a lot to me if she brought it home so I could break it! She said, "OK, but I don't want broken glass around here" and I replied "I'll take it somewhere and break it myself" to which she said "ok" with a smile on her face.

So there you have it. I guess I'm feeling confident enough to say we're going to make it. We have a lot of stuff to work thru, but I'm sure we can get there. And she's being so much more willing to talk about stuff that I'm hopeful she'll continue that way so we can discuss those things that I need to heal from this.

When I went to bed last night I stopped by S17's room and stuck my head in the door and said to him "I think Mom and I are going to be ok". He looked at me with a puzzled look and I repeated it again and he gave me a two thumbs up and said "I don't need to know details, but that makes me very happy". I smiled and told him I loved him very much and he told me he loved me too.

Man, I've just got this huge smile on my face while I type this.....and yes, some tears in my eyes.