Crap. Well, we just had a cry-fest, holding on to each other. I guess we're a strange couple.
No, not strange at all, Bill. It's perfectly understandable, considering the emotional stress and confusion you've both been under.
OK, end of kinder-softer-gentler Puppy part.
That all being said, and even though I think it may actually be a GOOD idea to show your raw emotions like this ONCE, I would strongly encourage you to do whatever it takes to not do it again. Get on ADs if you have to, and if you haven't already done so, come on here to vent, go into the bathroom at 2 in the morning, put the exhaust fan on, bury your face in the bathroom towel and sob your guts out (yeah, I did that) . . . but you need to put your game face on from here on out in front of your wife.
No, you don't have to act like everything's PERFECT, but you do need to convey a sense of "I'll be just fine. Not what I would have wanted, and this isn't what I want, but I'll be fine." The crying, "needy/grabby" thing will come off as unattractive to your wife, and since you're still fighting for your marriage you'll want to avoid that.
I woke up this morning, and yeah just wanted to crawl out of bed and find her. Or call her into the room and pull her into bed. I know I can't do it. I won't.
W echoed something I said when we went to see the C. In the times of work stress, that she was keeping me afloat. She's got 2 kids to take care of, and she can't take care of me too.
Well, there you go. That's a 180 if there was one.
Funny, reaching out for support. My family members are all mad, that's no good. I have friends that say, protect yourself, get a lawyer, that's fine. I guess when it comes down to it, we've got to provide for ourselves emotionally, don't we. That's what all these posts are about - getting a life, PMA.
I had a rule for myself last time. Never take energy from the R. Only put it in.
Typing on the message board helps. Thanks guys. What was it someone said - man up. Generally in front of my family I've been solid. This has been a hard 24 hours, but yeah I can do what I need to do.
Yeah, I got on ADs immediately. They take a few weeks to kick in I guess. And I've gotten in the shower to have my episode.
W had a lot of fun at the baseball game last night...
I had a rule for myself last time. Never take energy from the R. Only put it in.
I guess, short-term that's true, but I think in a healthy marriage, it should be give and take, b/c sometimes one needs more than the other. You help give energy to your W and the M, and then sometimes she gives it to you. But I agree it's a good thing to try to do when you are able.
You have plenty of info for the 180s. You showed your emotions; she knows how you feel. I think that's fine, but no more in future if you can help it. You can and will do this, and I hope you will continue to do this long-term. You shouldn't get into R talk but if your W brings up her apparent guilt over your making these changes, you should tell her that they are permanent changes you need to make for you and your family, but generally just do the changes and keep them up.
So, boys got in the shower, and W says, I was hoping we could talk...
So she says that being in the same house we're going to keep going to each other for support, that she doesn't want the boys to see me upset. She says she can't be in the same house as me, and it doesn't make sense to pour her and the boys into a 2-bedroom apartment, since she's the primary caretaker. She asked me if I'd consider moving out or this "rotation" thing again.
I said no, I will not move out. And I don't want her taking the boys out of the house either.
So she said since I'm "digging in my heels", that she's going to have to dig in her heels too.
Apparently things like sharing a bathroom, hearing me play my songs and wondering if I'm directing them at her, etc. Are bothering her.
She says, I want to minimize the impact on the boys. Doesn't want them to see me upset. I said, the boys are going to be impacted by this. if you want to minimize the impact - So, she says, you're trying to blackmail me with the boys...
Sheesh. I don't know what she's going to do now, but this isn't good.
Well, I've talked her down. Back to calm waters. She's going to try to stick it out.
I need to DB my a$$ off now.
Yeah, I know. No more supporting each other. She's talking about some sort of schedule where we're responsible for the boys. Swapping off house responsiblities like laundry. Sharing with her making dinner and me responsible for dishes. Well, the 180s I've already done. And she says that she's noticed and appreciate it.
She's worried about my support. I said I'm not going back to that IC. My family is all pissed off. Well, I've got you guys, don't I? I've got friends to talk to...
Sticking it out is one thing. But what is she going to do during that time? Is she just going to stay and be miserable or has she mentioned specific actions that she will be doing?
Be careful of this. The WAS will say they'll "work things out" and let the LBS run around and kiss their ass the whole time. They don't do anything, then turn around and say they've tried everything and it still isn't working.
Make sure she says what she will be working on or what she will be doing.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
So basically it sounds like she's trying to avoid the consequences of her actions. Geez, too bad. Don't you dare move out of your house! She wants only one parent in your house b/c of the boys (which it sounds like more that she's trying to minimize the impact on her from what you say) then she moves out. Period.
It sounds like you've worked this out, but if she returns to this, you know what to do. This is a rough time, but it gets so much better. I know the last IC you saw was horrible, but I do think the majority of them are good. I do think it would be good for you to see one, in addition to the ADs (good about those). This place is good and supportive friends are good too.
I've learned from this the importance of doing stuff that's enjoyable. With and without your kids. Take them to putt-putt or picnic or movies or anything. Spend some time with friends. Karen
I was frustrated by the C. I'm not sure if, she was trying to keep my wife from getting defensive, or what. She gave us some "homework" - a packet where you write out stuff from your family of origin, and somehow translate this into the choices you make / should make for your mate. She said we choose our mate based on the wounds we're trying to heal from our childhood. And that this exercise is not about trying to "fix things" but to understand better for - I think she actually said this - our "next relationship."
Yeah, I was frustrated, if not mildly pissed off. Again, she may have been playing it cool to not alienate my W, but WTF?
She tried this packet on me the first session, and I said, I'm more interested in tools to help me in my goal of saving my marriage, so we had moved on.
This doesn't sound like a pro-marriage solutions-focused counselor and you should find another one you are more comfortable with.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Wifey - some things I've done have definitely gotten a positive reaction.
If it gets a positive reaction it should be a part of what you do. But you also need to do things for you. To help you heal. To take care of you.
These have to be things you do because you want to and not for the fact that she will react - positively or negatively - to what you do.
When you feel low it is hard to do. Start with a good cup of coffee at a coffee shop and people watch.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
