Need Advice, WAW wants to give it a month

[trrose]

oh and if i dont have control, why DB? isnt the point to reassert control?

[trrose]

i understand thinkers point...perhaps im getting too philisophical

[Thinker]

There is a difference between understanding that your own actions can influence your R, and thinking you have control.

You can only control yourself.

It takes only one person to take an R or a M apart. It takes 2 to decide to reconcile. You only have one of those 2 votes.

You control how you act and react, but any belief that you control the R or the outcome is an illusion.

[trrose]

thanks

[aliveandkicking]

4. as an aside...and im sure most of us LBS get this. my wife said that everytime me cuddle, she feels "pressured" to have sex. I find that so weird especially since we havent had sex in 5 months and the sex life was sporadic prior to that.

Something about this and the topic of postpartum sex is irking me and I'd like to explore it.

Look at the ages of the second children in MANY of these sitches.

I think there is something the Hs and probably the Ws too are missing here. Giving birth and caring for a newborn and toddler can leave a woman feeling not only touched out but worn out, old, unattractive...if birth was vaginally, there's a bit of a segue from V as birth canal to V as sex organ. If breast-feeding, there is often NO sex drive due to significant reduction in those hormones. Logistically, hormonally, emotionally and physically, sex is a whole different experience in the first years following birth.

Again, I am trying to impart something, not sure what, but maybe perspective. We as women can feel disillusioned and confused by our feelings of isolation and lack of sex drive. It is not as if the LBS is trying to lose attraction, she is experiencing it and reacting to it. The extenuating factors are very important to put it in perspective and not project feelings that are very likely circumstantially cultivated and very able to be overcome.

It just saddens me to see the same issues over and over and such a lack of awareness, even from counselors. I mean I sat in therapy with my H with my breast-feeding 5 month old in the waiting room (6 years ago) and we discussed our sex life barely even addressing any of these issues...WTF?

[aliveandkicking]

not that you're all waiting with baited breath

AAK, don't be too sure about that. Not saying that to rush you. I only mention that to underscore how important it is to us men to get a female's perspective on what exactly is likely to snuff out the W's attraction to us DAM's. I know that is present in my sitch as well, and I would venutre to guess it is present in an overwhelming number of the sitch's on this BB.

I have been following this thread and can tell you I AM interested in hearing what you have to say.

Well Jeez, I better deliver something good here now...my kids are going out for a bit today so I will sit down and tackle.

Sometimes I hop on here and post my gut responses. With regard to the specifics of my sitch and this oh so very delicate and critical matter of attraction to H...I need to really focus.

[Thinker]

I mean I sat in therapy with my H with my breast-feeding 5 month old in the waiting room (6 years ago) and we discussed our sex life barely even addressing any of these issues...WTF?

My W and I sat in therapy with our 6-month old (now 15 months)next to us in a baby-carrier. At that point, my W's statement was "I am not attracted to YOU" - not "I don't want sex". She was in the full depths of an EA, and definitely was not feeling Asexual.

[trrose]

while its a case by case basis. i agree with thinker..that they want to have sex.

i am puzzled by their reaction to it.

why do they abandon , in this case the H and seek attention elsewhere?

is it insecurity? do they need to feel attractive to others? men are very physically oriented...they want sex for the sex part,
but if women for the most part dont, whats the deal?

i would assume that even (lets say my wife) is not having an EA or PA, its only a matter of time

[Energizer Bunny]

Have any of you ever read the book "His Needs, Her Needs?"

Some of the theory there is that although we LBS's meet a good number of the WAS's needs we aren't meeting all of them. Therefore an OM/OW only have to meet the one need that his been missing. Viola, the WAS now feels "complete." (While we are still meeting the majority of the needs the new person gets all of the "feeling completed" benefit as they are the icing on the cake) The WAS doesn't know that we are the cake, they just know that needs are all now being met.

I may not be the best at paraphrasing it, but I think that's close.

[trrose]

which probably explains why the Other relationship falls apart when we leave bec the waw still feels incomplete