K4D Rising #4

[K4D]

25,

In the past, I had quit going to C and AA earlier on and did not mention it. I can't deny that. I wasn't comfortable in either situation whether it was right or wrong. And yes, I did ask you privately to not give up on me earlier on.

Granted I have posted my own thoughts here way to often when it comes to my W. But honestly, if you look at where I was starting out versus now, in a lot of ways I am doing better. When I started out I could not stop the R talk with W. I was not eating and I was not getting by mentally and emotionally. I was falling to peices at every step of the way. I was pursuing W heavily. I'm not doing those things anymore. Yes, I have taken a long time to make some progress. But I have made some progress although some would want to disagree.

I am in a much healthier state of mind now. Had it not been for everyone on this site, I will be honest... I was borderline suicide because I was so devastated by everything. I even called a suicide hotline one night in Florida. I hate to admit that, but its true. I no longer am anywhere near that anymore. I have long since come back from being that far down in depression. I am doing very well with my girls. They do REALLY have an appointment with the C on Wednesday. I will be more than happy to talk about it after. I don't pursue W anymore. When I dropped my girls off this morning, I did not go into the house. I simply waited out in the car until W let them in. When she comes over I am hospitable, but I keep my emotions in check. Of course it is hard after she leaves. I do have real feelings. But I don't show them when she is around.

True I think about W and I post here when I am. But I am still living life and doing what I have to. I go to different AA meetings because there isn't one group that meets every night of the week. Each night is a different section of the 12 step program and sometimes in different locations.

Do I want her back? Yes I do. Do I know anything is possible with God? Yes I do, although I may grow weary at times. I think that is normal.

FaithfulH would lose faith at times and would want to quit. I do to, but then I am reminded not to and to keep praying for W and M restoration through rejoice ministries.

25, I am very grateful for everyone taking the time and resources to post to me. And I have taken a lot of advice and applied it. But I can't take every single persons advice and do it all at once. It takes time.

Wifey was just saying if it doesn't appear to be working, try something different or not post. Thats all. She wasn't attacking anyone.

And if people want to abandon or leave or whatever, that is ok to. I understand. I have been given a ton of helpful advice and I have so much to use and apply and I apply bits and peices here and there.

Sure, maybe my beliefs are different than others as far as a M being a one time shot and being a covenant, etc. Thats ok. I stand by them. And maybe I refuse to believe a M is dead just because it looks that way to the human eye. And maybe people think I shouldn't pray for M restoration because maybe it isn't Gods will. Ok, fine. I disagree, but that is ok. What really brought me back to that was rejoice ministries. Because I was ready to give up and walk away to knowing in my heart it was wrong. But now I have come back to stand for my M regardless of what the circumstances look like. And I will keep praying for it.

I let W live her own life. Ya, sure, it hurts when she is with OM. Some say I shouldn't let it bother me by detaching. But I can't just completely remove feelings like that. But I don't interfere with it. I just let her live how she wants and I do what I have to.

I think CG has also offered wonderful resources. And yes, I can clearly admit that other people have health problems that far out weigh my situation. I know that and admit that. It doesn't change the fact that I still have feelings for my W and M. I have a problem right now with my right leg due to injuring my back that causes me a lot of sharp pain that has not gone away. It hurts physically. But I just live with it. My focus is on my M restoration and not my leg hurting.

I'm glad your D is out of the hospital and doing better. And no, I had not read that she was in the hospital.

I don't know where all you post. I just know that some threads I read you have also posted on them.

I don't think Charlyne on rejoice ministries ever completely detached to where she had no emotions while praying for M restoration.

But I am doing a lot better than where I was when I started out on this thread. Of course I still have more to do. And yes I move slower than others at getting there.

But Wifey wasn't trying to be mean. She was just noticing the frusturation of some and saying better to not post if frusturated.

I will gladly take constructive critisizm and positive feedback. I think that sometimes the 2x4's are like machines on here. But thats just me. If someone wants to post a 2x4, fine. But it almost seems like they are sitting back ready to whack at any thought I have that is not 100% in the book.

FaithfulH used rejoice ministries and DB. He used a combination of both. He didn't fully subscribe to all of one or the other. There were times he didn't take advice from here. And there were times he did. He applied what worked for him and his sitch.

For what its worth,

Kevin