the clock hasn't stopped ticking during all of this, Tristan what are you doing to turn this thing around?
You are exhibiting all of the classic responses & behaviors most men go through when their wives are leaving them to pursue relationships with their affair partners.
You are solidifying the decision in her head with your actions & behaviors: hurt, shocked, sad, depressed, numb, unloved, needy, clingy, etc.
Why not throw a monkey wrench into all of this and do the opposite, it's counter-intuitive, it goes against exactly how you feel and it throws your spouse for a loop because she expects this sad behavior from you.
Gucci wrote a few words in another thread recently and it really hit home because it wasn't until I implemented real change on my part in my own situation that I started to see real results.
Gucci wrote "....REALITY.. Follow reality... not what you "wish for" .... "
You want to see specific results, perform specific actions.
If you want different results, do different things.
You are currently your wife's emotional healing stone, she is sucking the life energy out of you indirectly, while you are hurt and wanting all of things that are currently in motion to stop and go in reverse, she sees this and it allows her to rationalize all of her current actions & behavior... "... I should leave him, this is the right thing to do, there is a reason why I don't love him, too many bad things have happened, I need something new & exciting in my life, not the same old situation, plus I don't feel secure around him, he can't even take care of himself let alone take care of my needs & our family, look how he's breaking down, look how he clings to me like he's losing his whole world, now he'll try to make me feel guilty by mentioning the effects on the kids and I expect him to continue doing this because he has nothing left to try".
Confidence, it's extremely attractive. We're not talking arrogance, we're talking confidence, there is a huge difference between the two.
You are hers and if she chose to, she could have you back now at any time and she knows it and you know it - admit it. You are conquered, that isn't attractive, it's not exciting, it's not challenging and it's hard to respect something that is conquered and that is human nature, I didn't make that rule, that's just how it seems to be.
Yes I'll say it again (and I'll hold up my shield for the arrows that are shot my way), start dating. Gucci has promoted this advice on the site to countless others, and I did it in my own situation with extremely powerful results. Your wife sees you and attaches very low value to you. When you start to date other women, your value will increase, other women are going out with you, you must have value for them, so your wife will question it. Plus if you start to move on faster than her previous ideas about you allowed for, it throws her rationalizations for a loop. You are no longer conquered at this point, you are moving on. She will see this and she will react accordingly. Up until this point, all of this has been her decision, do you notice how she is calling all the shots? She's going to move out, it doesn't matter to her the effects on your kids, she's going to take half the savings, she will want more money on top of that when she needs it to begin her new life (furnishings and everything else that goes into setting up a new life in a new home) and you if you continue on this path will be there to say "OK, here you go, is there anything else I can do to help you out let me know, did you want some help moving? I can help move all your possessions into your new place while you and the OM are having dinner together so that you guys aren't bothered and I can show you how much of a nice guy I am" (please don't be this super nice guy, it never works). I read in another thread one of the LBS offering his wife to help her move into her new apartment, the same woman who was cheating on him and leaving him for another man - it made me sick to my stomach and I guarantee you his wife probably had similar feelings for him: "... he's such a nice guy, I don't understand how I can continue doing this and continue to hurt, maybe it's true, maybe I never did really love him." She can't tell you why she isn't attracted to her husband anymore although I'm sure there are alot of excuses, in the end, he exhibited behaviors that were extremely unattractive and he continued to kill the attraction between him & his wife until finally there was nothing left to hold her there. Attraction isn't a choice, you don't get to decide who you are attracted to, it just happens. You "flick" certain switches by exhibiting crap behaviors and you will kill attraction, you "flick" other switches by exhibiting attractive behaviors that are different from what she is used to with you and you will create attraction. Don't question it, that's attraction and how it works. We can all hope for unconditional love but in the end, if you don't meet your spouses needs, they will get their needs taken care of from someone else and that is a stone cold fact and you can preach "what about love, you're supposed to love me no matter what" but we all know that it doesn't work like that although it would be great if it did but I guess we would all turn into lazy sloth's if we had nothing to work for & maintain.
It's ok to love someone but you must love yourself and that means respecting yourself and not allowing others to treat you poorly or take advantage of you - that is a very unattractive behavior.
So what attractive behaviors are you going to start exhibiting today?
