H with 1foot out the door...LONG

[ginab1966]

Stronger:

You are very right about my friend. She will understand. It may take a bit for us to figure out the new dynamic, but it can be done.

The nonsense has to stop. I'm a grown women with kids. I'm not a teenager living in the 80's. Time to grow up and be a big girl.

G-

[Stronger]

Good stuff.
What happened with the talk?

[ginab1966]

So, no conversation last night. Our daughter had a REALLY hard time going to sleep. I think it was 10pm and we were still escorting her back to her room. We just did a tag-team thing. She got overtired and that's her cryptonite. Poor thing. In the end, we never got to talk but he said we would tonight. But the night was great. We were a true parenting team and we said how hard this would be with only one of us. It was still a great night..just not quite the way I wanted it to go. But, with a 4 year old, things very rarely go the way they are planned.

Thanks for reading and following along the road with me.
G

[ginab1966]

I will do my best to keep this short and sweet as I don’t want to bore anyone. Last night we had the “talk”. H says he wants to try. Really, really try. He said that, before, he said he was trying but he was only fooling himself. That he just thought he could say he was trying and then be really cold and uncaring and I would get fed up and leave. Then he could say he tried and leave w/ a clear conscience. That’s not what happened. I was steadfast in my commitment to him, our marriage and our daughter. He admired that and decided that he never wanted to look back a year from now and see that he was a man that he couldn’t respect. He said “I asked myself what kind of man I wanted to be”. We set boundries, put measureable goals in place and mapped our a bit of a plan and even wrote everything down. He even agreed to go to a retreat weekend with me. He and I are in agreement on our big issues, trust and lack of communication and are going to delve into those two areas head on.

He said he doesn’t trust me because he doesn’t trust himself (regarding other people). The OW is not as big of a threat as she used to be and he told me that the pull towards her is fading but not completely gone. He wants us to move back to sleeping in the same bed and had the idea that we move the bedroom to a completely new room with new decorations etc. He said he thinks we really need a new start. As our therapist said…we never really have had a marriage that is a true marriage. We really only have the engagement period to compare our “good”times to. I know this is not over by a long shot (the hard part I mean) and I am going to really need to stop my urge to just go gung ho and expect miracles. I need to go slow, be patient and realize that this is going to take some time. With your and God’s help, I am hopefull that I will have a marriage that will survive and even thrive.

Keep your fingers crossed and my family is your prayers, please. I need all the help I can get. BTW, I’m reading the DB book and boy is it chock full of amazing advice. A true eye opener.

Gina B

[Stronger]

RIGHT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ginab1966]

Ok...this is sort of harder. I know, of course, I'm very blessed that he has decided to try but I'm finding I'm having a hard time knowing how to behave. I knew where I stood before. He wanted a divorce, I was the enemy, no chance in hell of us ever getting back together...me DB'ing for all I was worth. Now, I am still trying to focus on me but it's much harder. I find I'm reading his every move for clues to what he's thinking, if this is all going to change on a dime, etc. I have to stop this. I haven't verbalized it yet but I constantly want to check his emotional tempurature. Today has been a tough day. He's been a bit distant and of course I'm reading into that like crazy (co-dependancy at it's best). I've been cleaning the house cuz it's just out of control. He has been doing his own thing. My plan is to make a nice dinner and to perhaps sit and watch a movie. He hasnt' taken his Aderall (med's for ADHD) in two days which might explain the withdrawing. But, I just have to worry about me and my recovery. Just thought I would fill you all in. I'm not complaining, just scared.

Thanks,

Gina B

[Stronger]

Oh boy....it never seems to end huh?
I'm with you.
Now, I think you have to really act as if....act as if all is well. And really G, it is.
He's not ignoring you. He's thinking.
So I think the best thing to do....be the absolutely best you possible. You're such a sweet kind adorable woman....just be you. Make both of you happy you both decided to work on your relationship.
Be thrifty, not cheap. Be clean, but not obsessive. Be happy but not over the top. Be a great mother, be a great wife, be a great friend.
You can do this. Stop wondering what he's thinking....let him wonder what you're thinking. And just think happy.

[ginab1966]

What a sweetheart u are. You have been such a great source of strength and wisdom over these past weeks. I really don't know if you know how important your feedback has been to me. You really have been just simply wonderful. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I am really trying to be me but a better me. I now that this relationship demise didn't happen overnight and it surely wasn't all his fault. It was me too and I have issues that most certainly need working on. My co-dependancy being the biggest of them all. I am happy right now and I'm trying to project the happy, light and fun side of me adn not the scared, co-dependant, want to wrap myself around his leg and never let go side. I'm doing my thing, cleaning the house, reading, playing with my daughter. I'm just really trying to give space and be understanding that this is all new to him.

One day at a time, excepting the things I cannot change, and changing the one thing I can...ME. Boy, this one seemingly tiny idea of changing me and me only has really helped me immensly. Somehow it's given me strength and hope.

You are right you know....we can do this...actually, we can do anything. My therapist said to me "Think it and it will be. Your soul belives what your mind believes....so believe in you and in the love of God and the love of your daughter. In the end, these are all that really matter".

Take good care....I'm sending you hugs and strength for your continued journey.

Gina B

[Stronger]

Well thank you for the kind words.

I know that it was perfect strangers in a strange land that got me to where I am now, along with my therapist and couple of very good understanding friends here who didn’t let me give up.

I’ve always thought your H didn’t really want to go. He was very confused by your actions, his own, then meeting someone, and it all just go so confusing. I’m glad you both made the decision together to take a step back and work together.

When it gets hard, just look at him and say “I’m still committed to this. I may have done or said something to you recently that makes you think otherwise and for that, I apologize. But I’m still committed to this.” And just learn from the mistakes both of you are still going to make and be positive.

And I know I’m right! We can do anything.

[ginab1966]

ok..as I said...this is hard. I feel like we are supposed to be doing something...something more. He is so engaged and connected one minute and the next...poof..we're off in the ice field again. I guess this is where focusing on me still comes as great advantage. Which would be great if I didn't read into every breath he took every minute of the day. This is the trait that I can't stand about me. I'm so hooked into people. It's just simply got to stop.

Another thing. The crisis marriage counselor that we see for $100 per hour is killing us financially. I think we need to stop for financial reasons and personally I don't think we are getting much out of it anyway. H did say he would consider Retro and this might be something that is more affordable. So, financially, we have to stop seeing our counselor. We are still seeing our individual counselors though.

I'm noticing that he rarely says he loves me unless I say it to him (at least in the last 48 hours). He almost slept in his bed alone last night because he seemed to be isolating. I did go in and sleep with him. Should I have just let him isolate? To be honest I'm trying to let him lead but why don't I get to set the tone (she says in her best 5 year old whine) I'm sorry everyone. I'm just not doing well at this stage. I should be thrilled and part of me is but I'm just walking around on eggshells waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Any and all words of encouragement/wisdom would be helpful.

G