Sad to be back

[AnotherNightmare]

Thank you for your comment, Arwen. I have thought about MLC a lot, but my conclusion was no, primarily because the situations now and 12 years ago were so similar. That would mean she either has been in MLC for 12 years or she is in MLC for the 2nd time. To date, she has not apologized for the PA 12 years ago and still blames me for it. Same as now.

Based on what I know about her childhood, I believe the truth can be found somewhere in her years as a teenager. First of all, she has 2 sisters and 1 brother. All of them are different from her, a lot more like her parents. They stayed home, married the first man/woman they met, while my W is the rebel, the "black sheep". She lived with her aunt, who was an elementary school teacher and stayed single. AFAIK, they had tons of fights about her staying out late, going out with boys early, trying to become independant as quickly as possible. I believe at about age 16 she moved back to her parents, because the fights with her aunt became unbearable.

I am not a psychologist, but my explanation is that with marrying me, someone who is more like her siblings, maybe a little more ambitious in terms of career, she felt she lost her independance, typically something men fear a lot more. But maybe that is a trait single women like her aunt have as well, and she adopted that when living with her despite the love/hate relationship they had. In a love relationship, there will be dependance, healthy dependance. You need to let your S care for you, as much as you care for your S. That is what love means.
But if you are afraid to become dependant, you struggle with that and you blame your S for caring for you. When I talked to my IC, I mentioned to her that I did want to show my dependance, that I denied that I have a need to be cared for, even though I know I like it. Asked for the reasons, I said because I know my W hates dependance. So of course, there is a question: is it her or is it me? It is probably both of us. I believe she does hate dependance and that is why she tries to break out of this M, it would be evidence for her independance, but there were a few occasions when she needed me. But at that point I think I was already convinced that she did not want to be cared for. So I neglected her, left her alone. This was further proof to her that depending on someone else hurts and creates pain, even though I have acknowledged that to her and sincerely apologized for my behavior. But the vicious cycle had already spun out of control...

So again, I do not think it is MLC, even though the high school thing and her behavior point in that direction.

In any case, what would be difference? The next step has to be permanently ending the affair. After that we will go from there.