Met some friends out for a live r&b jam lastnight. Not my usual genre, but it was fun. Walking back to my car, I met a man. He's pretty handsome and we had a nice repore in a brief conversation. I realized how awkward the whole idea of meeting someone is for me. I went immediately from xh to bf way b4 scars could heal. It just worked out that way - I wouldn't have ordered that but there he was. The past 6 months that I've been alone, I just haven't even considered meeting someone. Having a conversation with this guy lastnight was so uncomfortable for me. It makes me feel like I'm cheating just to be near a man. For some reason it hurt. And it makes me want to be with Mark more than ever. Even though we had a few laughs and a fairly interesting conversation, I went to my car & cried. I don't mind moving forward in other aspects, but when it comes to dating, I just can't do it. I'm stuck waiting for the man I love to decide that love is more important than pride and that we still have a lot of potential for happiness together. It's pathetic that 6 months after he walks out I still want to remain loyal & true to him when it's clear that he wishes to stay resolved to his decision to leave the relationship. I am holding a rope with nothing on the other end. I love him. I want to be with him. I am doing my best to focus on the right things, but I have not yet let go of him. Why is that such a scary prospect? I'm holding nothing, so why can't I let go of nothing? I don't know. I just don't understand the extent of what I'm going through here.
