NW - As Veronica said, it's nice to see you here again - your cheer and optimism is so wonderful to hear.
How have things been for you lately?
And you're very right...the little ones are much more adaptive than we give them credit for...I've already seen that today with my S2. He was just a joy to be with this afternoon.
Hi Rob, Thanks for checking in... I'm doing okay. I woke this morning to a phone call at 6am from my S12 - and that was wonderful. He sounded very happy and excited - and I took it as a reminder of how one should live in the moment and take full advantage of the present no matter what..
That's not to say the sadness is gone - I miss him terribly - but also know that we can talk anytime - and that he'll soon be online so we'll be able to video chat.
He's got tryouts for a soccer team tomorrow - which should be a blast for him - and it seems that a lot of the kids who will be going to school with him live in the same neighborhood.
As for me...I've got work to do today - which is good - and am hoping to be able to take S2 to a kid's concert tonight in Pasadena (provided that B finally responds to my request).
So...I miss my S12 a lot - his absence is so obvious - but I know that I have to make this work - and cannot allow that sadness to overwhelm me. I felt a lot of it yesterday - and today I feel a more calm and directed.
Alex - No, she never agreed to having S2 stay with us that night - instead she got angrier and more combative. Yesterday she was absolutely impossible - simply because I had asked if she would mind if I take S2 to a kids concert here in Pasadena. She went out of her way to make an argument out of the request - and when I finally jut told her that I would take S2 to the concert and she could pick him up from me there - she threatened to call the police and file a report. I, in turn, let her know that I would share our entire email exchange with the police, so they could see that she was planning on filling a false report (and she quickly dropped the threat). While I prefer not to have much communication with her at all - I have decided not to let her false accusations and lies sit any more - since she has a habit of rewriting history in her emails - and I believe she's doing so in order to create a false impression of me that she might later use as some sort of evidence. I don't trust her at all.
I spoke with her sister yesterday - her sister is very much disgusted with B and their parents - and her sister told me that a couple months ago B had told her that she had read in a book that children don't build bonds with their fathers until they are 4-5 years old - and she tried to convince her sister that S2 doesn't need me at all. Her sister disagreed with her - B hung up on her - and that was that...
Rob - Yes, his words were a excellent advice - and I'm waking every morning and reminding me of how important it is to get up and step into the present.
It is good to have some work for now - wish it would pick up more - and I'm staying optimistic that it will. August is almost always bad. I'm still hoping to go back into teaching - though the recession really hit schools in CA this past year - and there just wasn't much out there for newcomers - since so many experienced teachers were let go.
I've been doing more simple exercises at home - stuff that doesn't affect my knee - so lots of push ups and sit ups and dips, etc.
I need to get into more of a routine in general, I think.
It is good to hear you sounding calm and focused in your post. Do not know if you noticed or not but you are a quick rebounder now. What I mean is that just a few days ago you were feeling some profound sadness...for very good reason...and, while you may still be feeling a lot of that, look how quickly you have found the strength to focus on the present, staying in it and determining what the immediate next steps are for yourself. Hope you are giving yourself some credit for that.
Routine...hm...was going to post that this is a good idea, then thought better of it, but am now back to it being a good idea. (Was projecting...routine is a horrible thing for me right now...makes me feel as if nothing will ever change - has a lot to do with my unhappiness at my place of work and with the work that I do). You have posted in the past how well you function with a routine. Good for you for recognizing that and refocusing on that.
The last of my two cents: yoga...know you cannot run or bike because of the knee, but maybe adding some yoga to your other exercises will provide an alternative route to the peace that comes after the endorphin kick of a run settles. Just a thought...
I need to get into more of a routine in general, I think.
Carlos,
If I have learned anything about you at all from your insightful posts here, this may resonate with you as it came to mind for me when I read your words quoted above - "before enlightenment - chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment - chop wood, carry water."
Then again, I suspect that is precisely what you are already doing - godspeed, Carlos.
Hi V, Enlightenment would be good...I still feel like I'm dealing with my share of frustrating darkness...But I'll find a way through all this, I have to...for my kids and for myself.
This weekend was tough...it was the first weekend since S12 left - and yesterday was my first day by myself in several months. I tried to make the most of it - and managed to stay busy for most of the day - though I think a lot of my efforts just kept me from feeling the emotions that finally caught up with me before I went to bed...such a rush of sadness washed over me...such a profound feeling of missing my son...it sent me tumbling a bit through thoughts of all that has happened over this past year - and it left me feeling a bit stunned...almost in disbelief, that so much could fall apart in just one year...though I suppose the collapse was actually years in the making - I had just managed to put it off for a long time.
It's remarkable to me how resilient our own hearts can be...Tuesday, when my S12 left, I thought my heart was going to tear into a million pieces...and I felt like it was just too much, too much for one person, for one year...to lose my wife, work, to have my little family torn apart, to have my S12 move 2500 miles away, to break a rib, tear an ACL, move into a small apartment, hit rock-bottom financially, lose faith in myself...lose faith in love...it felt like it would be impossible to sit as I am this morning, thinking about what to do next...how to make this work...how to continue to work on my life and my situation so that all this darkness, all this destruction, will yield to something new, something built on a new foundation, and that stands firm in a better light.
My circumstances seem like they will always be a bit stranger now. S2's birthday is coming up in a few weeks - and it's on a day that he usually spends with me. Since I think it would be unfair to keep him from his mother that day, I offered to split the day with her - so that we could each celebrate his birthday with him. She responded by asking if she and I could have a joint birthday party for him...which just cannot happen...My friends don't care much for her at all - in fact, many of them have much harsher impressions of her than I - and even get a bit impatient with me when I show any compassion for her at all...beyond that, I just can't imagine being in the company of someone who has insulted me while holding my son in her arms, who has told lies about me to her friends and family, and who has repeatedly threatened to call the police any time I disagree with her about how to parent my baby boy.
While it would be wonderful if we were in a position to have a joint party for S2 - as I've done in the past with S12's mom - I just don't trust B enough - and I also don't think it would even be possible to coordinate anything with her...since she has shown a repeated pattern of selfishness and a complete willingness to take advantage of my love for my S2 at any turn.
I think S2 would have a much happier birthday without a lot of tension among the adults around him...and so I plan on having a party for him on the morning of his birthday - and suggested that she have a party for him the following day...just so he's not too nuts from too much cake...Though she could still pick him up earlier than usual from me on the day of his birthday...we shall see...
As for S12 - he sounds so happy and excited. He's already made a superb impression on his new soccer team (is playing in a tournament this weekend) - and sounds thrilled to be seeing so many new things. He's an incredible boy...and it's such a joy to hear his enthusiasm for life - and to see him excel in so many ways.
Funny thing...yesterday, and S2's daycare, one of his teachers stopped me and said that S2 has been very stubborn and moody lately. Saying no a lot and not wanting to do anything anyone tells him to do...she then added, "he not like you're other son. You're older boy is quiet and sweet, like you, he's more like..." and then she didn't finish her sentence...What she doesn't know is that S12 was also like that when he was 3 - he was stubborn, tough, determined and independent...and yet he's matured into a remarkable boy. I think the same can happen for S2 - besides that, when he's with me, he's very calm and always listens...I think they just have a different approach with him at school than I do with him at home...oh...and he also had a cold (which his mother didn't tell me about - and which I had to learn from the teacher when I picked him up yesterday...though B knew he had a cold, as she dropped him off with cough medicine...so frustrating. I sent her a note asking her to inform me if he has a cold in the future...and she did not respond...
