I guess I’ll start with the fact that me and my tennis partner WON OUR MATCH! Yeah! It’s my first tournament and I was admittedly a little nervous. But we won and I won’t teach my kid this (even though I’m sure he’ll learn it on his own) it’s more fun to win! Our next match is tonight and much tougher I think.
But I won again later in the evening too.
So H was playing in his Thursday night golf league, S was at a very good friend’s house. I went over there to pick up S, and my partner joined me over there for a celebration drink. (Good friend is the one who got me into tennis.) I called H, told him I won and he was very happy for me, we hang up.
At 9:00, I’m on here, and I hear him come in. I had to duck off quickly, my heart was beating….LOL! (That's why I was MIA Stacy!)
But I thought he was going out to grab a drink with his soon to be ex coworker, this really nice guy I met a couple of times. He says “Nah, not going out. I’m tired.” I was shocked. He said he had a great time at golf and just wanted to take a shower and go to bed.
We shower, put S to bed and then ourselves. I’m re-reading “How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It”. He loves it and keeps making cracks, “So we’ll never have to talk about our feelings EVER again?????!!!! Really?????!!!! Those authors deserve the Nobel Peace Prize!” Yeah, he’s funny.
But as the night was progressing, he was getting text messages. No big deal. I was too. I really didn’t think much about it.
While in bed he gets one. I’m reading certain parts of the book to him. He was listening and chiming in a bit. Pretty relaxing.
Then he says “Alright, it’s really late so it’s either ML time or sleepy time. I’m ok with either, but pick.” I said “Sleepy time.” He said “Nighty night W.”
S comes in and wants more milk. H gets up to get it for him, and as he’s doing it, his phone goes off. I keep reading. He comes back to bed, grabs his phone, sends back a reply and turns to me and says “For the record, that’s her. She’s bugging me to go out. I just told her "Nope. In bed, not interested.”
I just looked at him, not really sure what to say and still processing. She started texting him around 7:00. He responded once “Playing golf”. She sends him a few more obviously getting irritated at being “ignored”. (And keep in mind he answered when I called him to let him know we won, and was def. playing golf! Yeah Me!) Her final text was a thumbs down sign.
But he picked me. So it went from Sleepy Time to ML time!
And the last thing he said last night…..wait for it….patience…..
H is being weird. Not sure exactly what is going on. He does have a family member, a cousin, that is slowly dying of cancer. I know that is impacting him, very deeply.
OW is leaving town this week and I know he's relieved but I also believe he maybe sad a little bit too. Lately I know he's been wanting to prove to himself or have her prove that meant something, that he wasn't just a joke.
On Friday, there was a going away party for ex OW and another male coworker. He went but was on the fence about going at all. I told him "I have no idea what to tell you. I don't know if you should go or not." He said he would go because he "has to prove to all those people no one got the best of me." Keep in mind ex OW's fiance was there. He came home later Friday night and I asked "How did it go?" He said "Ok, sort of blah." I said "OK." He then rolled over and said "I am just a joke." I was mad at him for feeling that way about himself because for the last 9 months I've been working my ass off for all of this and he thinks of himself as a joke? I told him "what do you think of me?" He asked me to explain the question. I said "What do you think of me? What kind of a woman am I? How do you see me?" He gave me a slew of compliments including beautiful and strong. I asked him "Do you think I'm a good judge of character?" He smiled and said "Normally....some of your friends are weird." (Joking). I said "Great. If you think so highly of me, think of things this way.....for the last 9 months I have fought for this relationship, for this family. For 7 plus of those months, I've been doing it alone. Do you think I would have fought this hard for a 'joke'? I resent the fact you think I would fight for a joke."
I think that may have settled in. But really, who the hell knows?
It's a strange thing to watch someone go crazy. It's a strange thing to go with them.
Hey S, your h is going through a lot of feelings right now. He is trying to figure things out, work it all out in his head.
And while I know that you were trying to make him feel better about himself, when he said how he feels, you kinda turned it around to be about you, ya know? You know him best, so maybe that is what he needed, just an observation.
Really, it is best to just validate his feelings and let him work through it in his own time, his own way. He needs to go through all of it to come out the other side whole.
Yeah, I did do that. But at this point, I'm just sick of this person. He set himself up for it and walked into a trap and validating his feelings...wasn't interested. He deserved everything he got that night.
I do love him. I do want to have a stronger new marriage with him. BUT as he continues to set himself up in hopes of proving to himself he was more than a joke to this idiot, I will have no sympathy for him. I won't even try to stop him.
And I'm very confident he no longer has the same feelings for her. He actually does dislike her and thinks little of her, but yet, he still needs the proof he was more than just a cure for boredom. So if you are going to be stupid, expect to feel stupid. IMO, if you have to "win" then cut off all contact, ignore the person. Then you have no more drama while sending a very very poiginant message....."YOU don't matter to ME."
It's mostly ugly and admittedly mean of me, but I don't feel sorry for him. Validating his feelings related to this crap....not my job anymore. I'm done with all of it.
Now with all of that said, I am still working on our relationship and validating in other areas....he's stressed about a family member who is not doing well and will be leaving us soon. I feel horrible for him for that. They are pretty close.
Work is stressing him out too and this is another tricky one for us. One of the reasons, I believe work is an issue is because of him basically crapping where he eats. He's concerned about his reputation there now. I understand this and again, it's his fault, but I am being supportive here.
We may have a buyer for our house which would be GREAT! And we found them so there's no real estate agent involved and that would save a great deal of money too. We are very much talking/working as a team for this one.
We've always been a team with S.
And again, he gets huge points for some things in recent weeks he's done as it relates to me and to us.
Hey S, I know you know where I am coming from. Make no mistake, I dont feel sorry for your h or mine for that matter. They made these choices and they have to live with the consequences of their actions.
I am just saying that he feels what he feels. You dont have to feel sorry for him, but, they are his feelings, however wrong or stupid you think they are. That being said, by you saying, I can understand you feel like a jerk is not supporting his choice or having sympathy. It is just you hearing what he said.
But, I dont want to beat a dead horse. You feel what you feel about it and that's all that matters to me.
That's great that you have a buyer for your house. What are your plans for where you are going to live?
Oh, that's the one million dollar question. I don't know if H wants me to move in with him and his two bedroom and save lots of dough, or if he wants me to move into my own place. At this point, I've not put a lot of thought into it. I was going to get through one week at a time...this one being a big one!
But I hope he would want us to move in together. We'll see. I'm actually not going to be too dissappointed if he isn't ready for that. I've come to like my nights away from him. Great to re-group. I actually wonder if I'm going to miss those nights away, which is crazy think, but I do wonder. Goes to show you how much you can change.
And the deal with the buyer is by no means a done deal. So we'll just take it as it happens and hope for good stuff.
What initiated the house going on the market? Was it because you and H were separated?
You're so good for not falling prey to expectations...! I agree with the nights/time to yourself. My H works out of town most of the work week. It's nice to make cereal for dinner sometimes, and fall asleep watching The Bachelor! LOL
Great job on the tennis tournament!!! I played D1 MANY years ago!!! I was actually going to call my old club this am to see what leagues they have for me. After S9 was born, I went back to it, and had a ball. 4-5 times/week. I was so skinny then! I used to go 2x per week to just get run all over by one of the pros. He loved it! Said he would lay awake at night thinking of ways to run my as$ all over the next day. NIIIIICE!
I was also taking phenteramine, which gave you a quick first step. When I reached my goal, and went off it, the pro told me I was a better player on drugs.
Probably true!
Last edited by mindblank; 08/24/0904:21 PM.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
LOL! The house is not on the market. I saw two people randomly driving slowly through the 'hood and asked them inside to look at our place. No, not the separation. We've wanted to move for a while and get something bigger and closer to where we socialize more. And I think getting rid of the house would be sort of cleansing to H. I think he's ready for some big changes and getting rid of the mortgage would qualify. I think he'd like somewhere new, for new memories. I'm not partial either way so if it would make him happy to leave the house, I'm cool with it. If he wanted to keep it, I'm cool with it. It's not really something on my radar anymore. If we sell, great. If we don't ok too.
Please give me the strength to get through this week.
H is being WEIRD. Not necessarily mean, but WEIRD.
He does have a family member not doing well. I understand that. But things are still off beyond that. Not asking, and trying to not even make eye contact.
Tonight, he's off. It's my night with S, which I normally love, but I wonder if he has plans. I believe he's still in a phase where his ego is smarting and he wants to know that he meant something. EVERYONE knows he didn't mean NOTHING, but he definitely didn't mean too much. Is it odd that I feel sorry for him? I hate to feel sorry for anyone, esp. my H.
Hey, girlfriend, don't try to rationalize away his weirdness, or give him a pass (I am GUILTY!). He may still be on his own roller-coaster from OW, her leaving, etc... OR, he MAY have plans, even ones you wouldn't like, and he knows it. FOLLOW HIM! LOL NOT!
Stay the course. Stabile. Loving. Interesting. TENNIS PRO!
We're with ya!
MB
PS - Don't know if you follow SP's thread... He has a great quote he used on his W. "It's going to suck to be you someday!" This could be H's SUCKINGTOBEYOU moment!
Last edited by mindblank; 08/25/0901:12 PM.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
