WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

Thanks Stuck.

Last nite was really hard for me. Not sure why but my head was really swimming with stuff.

It was hard to deal with the wide swings of emotions. I talked to my friends. First I talked the married couple, they came to help with the transition, who had each divorced their first spouses who believe that people should ultimately do what makes them happy. They believe that is what's best for the kids long term to have a couple be happily married. I got upset with them as I never said I wanted it to be unhappy, it's just that I expect that we would work on it to make it happy for both of us. Not have her start cheating on me with other guys. There is no justification to that. No matter what I've done wrong, there is no rational to doing something like that as well as how she had tortured me over the past 7 months.

When I did finally hit the road, I spent about an hour talking to Stronger, which helped. But I still haven't seen any remorse or regrets to what she has done. I'm sure people will remind me that I can't control how she feels or what she does or thinks so I can't beat myself up on it. But this is where the disgust and anger comes in. The person that is doing all these things is not the person I married. Maybe that person is still in there somewhere, but she is acting so selfish. Some people are saying that it's coming, but right now I do not know what to believe.

Crazy part of it is even if she did show remorse/regret, I'm not sure if I would believe her. All I do know is that I'm not going to put my life on hold waiting for something that I don't see happening.

I talked to my cousin out in CO till about 1:30 AM as I couldn't sleep and everything was still churning inside me.

What I do know is that next week, for the transition, my goal is to get my head on right so I can do it without needing my friends to do it for me. I'm not sure what type of attitude I should show her. Crazy part of it was last nite, she brought the Sunday paper over again. I didn't even look at it and just threw it out.

I think she believes that I'm in throwing a tantrum right now and it will just blow over and we will be "friends" again. I feel like I need to make a strong move to keep her on her toes. Question is what? Do I have my lawyer call her lawyer up? Do I ask her why she cheated on me? Or what?????