Hey T, I hear ya on the celibacy thing - 27 months for me, no that I am counting - LOL! I guess that's why I live vicariously through the party on my thread.
The time will come for accountability, T. She is no where near ready for that. She still has a ways to go.
She is seeing a therapist and is working through things and she will one day begin to see what she has done. But that is a hard thing to confront. She will have to be on good footing before she can do it.
You keep taking care of you. Doing what you have to to get your life in order.
I don't mean holding all of this over her head or anything. I guess it's the idea of her wanting to best friends and all while still seeing someone. It just makes no sense, but then again what does around here?
trapt, it is hard to let go when it isn't fair. She may want to be best friends to salve her conscience or it may be that she just doesn't see anything wrong with it. During a visit to my physician yesterday, he said I was the safe place for my kids. The safe place is usually the most ignored, physically and emotionally. Others assume we will always be there. My doctor said that "it sucks to do what is right but it is worth it". With your wife, it can be even more challenging.
Hang in there.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I found some more good quotes from another site to add to the crisis for dummies. I wish I could take credit for a couple of these that ring so true, but I can't.
The one about the cell phone had me ROLLING !!!
It never ceases to amaze me how the ALL follow the EXACT same script.
1. Seek time apart to reassess your marriage
2. Tell your spouse that you have not been happy in the marriage for X number of years, they have been the worst of your life – this will come as much to your spouse's surprise
3. Withdraw (detach your self) from your spouse and intimate communication in the marriage
4. Begin to “paint” your spouse in a different light and with a “dark brush”
5. Tell others how your spouse makes you feel and garner support for your new perspective
6. Cast Blame upon your spouse for the way YOU feel and twist and stir into the pot how they make you feel this way
7. Create a secret life. Take on a persona – become someone you are not… A partier or a care giver – anything that suits
8. Take on a new set of friends that “agree” with you and your current choices
9. Create a secret Email Hotmail account that your spouse knows nothing about to communicate among your friends
10. Rewrite the marital history by keeping a tab on all adversities past and present, and how you felt at the time, and convince yourself that it IS and perhaps always has been this bad
11. Play through in your private thoughts, every negative discussion and event in your marriage to date as a means of justifying present feelings and your current stance
12. Leave behind your former hobbies and interests but do get overly committed to your work or careers as a means of withdrawal and an antidote to your sadness
13. Lash out in anger but remember to accuse your partner of doing what you yourself are doing
14. For a time you will appear to be your normal self publicly, but appear completely different with your spouse at home.
15. Rid your surroundings of the intimacies that contradict how you feel NOW. – Things like his/her old love cards to you, trinkets, jewellery, and keepsakes. If these are on display or treasured they tell a different story from the one you now present.
16. Convince yourself your children will be just fine, regardless of their age.
17. Seek personal happiness and self-medicate - Treat yourself to indulgences to make yourself feel better - toys, cars, sex, drugs, etc. Havent you always been serving others at the sacrifice of your own needs/wants/desires and dreams? Do not delay! Make yourself #1 at all costs, as your time on Earth is running out.
18. Act as though your skin has been burned by melting steel if your spouse accidentally brushes your arm when passing you in the hallway
19. TALK IN CIRCLES-sometimes "yes" means the same as "no" and vice versa. Say one thing one day and the complete opposite the next and look like you have no idea you ever said the first thing when questioned about it.
20. DENY THAT YOUR MORALS AND VALUES EVER MEANT ANYTHNG TO YOU-be sure to find the one person that you know will tell you what you want to hear about divorcing your evil spouse even though you know many, many more people that would tell you differently, that way you can justify to your spouse why you need to leave--so-and-so said so!
21. JUST PLAIN DENY, DENY, DENYNever tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It could hurt your case for wanting to run away.
22. BE SURE TO SAY YOU WANT TO REMAIN FRIENDS YET DO NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING THAT WOULD LEAD ANYONE TO BELIEVE THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED.Never come around, never offer to help, withhold money, stall during your divorce process as long as you can so you don't have to "pay up" what you owe your spouse in maintenance.
23. Protect your cell phone as if what it contained were a matter of national security, perhaps the classified code to activate all the nuclear weapons in the world. Leap over single sofas and two chairs when it rings, making sure to knock your child out of the way, just so YOU can be the one to answer it.
Yep, yep, yep. Gotta agree with everything on that list, and especially the cell phone one!
One time, post-bomb but pre-move-out, my H was about to go play in a concert and had somehow managed to get separated from his cell phone in the house (which was pretty rare by then). I can't imagine what possessed him to actually lay it down somewhere and then go to another room without it (maybe the aliens were all busy for a minute and nobody was minding the switch on H's brain?).
Anyway, he was running around the house, frantically searching for it, making himself more and more late, and at one point he said, "I am NOT leaving without my cell phone!" I really wanted to say, "Gee, so being accessible to OW every minute is more important than keeping a commitment to your (evangelical Christian!!) band mates to be on stage playing for an important concert, eh?" Of course I didn't say anything, but it gave me one of those moments with which we are all so familiar, in which you have to laugh, because otherwise you will commit an act of violence!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
That's about all you can do is laugh at this point Dawn.
I can't get far enough away. It seems as though every time I do, here she comes to pull me right back into the insanity.
I can't go there anymore and it is becoming much more difficult to keep my mouth shut while listening to all this craziness from her.
The sad part about all this is that my daughter will be starting school real soon. We have her orientation on Wednesday. I'm trying everything I can to keep this in perspective and stay focused on her in a positive way.
The 4 or 5 months of hardly any contact was wonderful. I should have left it that way. I choose to believe that she was actually sincere. Once again I have been shown otherwise. I guess to be sincere you have to be sane first. I am at the point where I don't know if I will ever be able to believe her again.
Anyway, life goes on. I can't wait to see the kids this week. I've been missing them like crazy.
trapt...I'm stealing this for my thread. As usual...a 'same mold' type of thing. Just go forward... F
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I am comfortable on my own and have been for quite some time. It still sucks though. I miss being close and sharing life with someone special.
I now look back and ask myself if I ever truly had that to begin with. I could always sense that something was missing on a deep level but just accepted it.
