Just want my H back

[pearlharbr]

Just have a couple minutes before my battery dies, will be back later...

I am sure you want to know "can I talk to him?"

Answer.. Sure you can. Just keep to the two goals for now. Don't initiate anything, but it is okay to respond. Just do it with the two goals in mind. Each time, every time.

Are you paying attention?

I will not initiate contact until he gets back.

I thought of forwarding it along to H just to let him know

ARGH! No. Do NOT initiate contact. Period. End of discussion.

We're trying to help you but you but it gets frustrating if people give you the same advice over and over and you don't follow it but continue to ask for advice. Capiche?

[gucci loafer]

If you have chance to answer any ?s above would be so grateful (in terms of what to do/say if he brings up D upon his return - I want to be prepared and not lose it!) Or how to make him still feel 'manly'?

No pressure
BE and act happy.

How do you talk about divorce without putting pressure on a person?


Answer: Agree with them. " Yes, I guess you are right, we should get the divorce moving."


AND THEN do nothing and let him do the work on it. Telling them that you don't want it never seems to work. When you agree with them it usually results in them doing nothing and gets them to start to re-examine their position.

Just happily agree. No pressure to stop it and then do nothing and assume he will do all the work for it. Telling him you don't agree with it is pressure. Pressure doesn't work.

[hhh]

Hi-
I'm sorry guys, I didn't mean to seem like I was not listening, I am, and I hear you about the no contact thing. Sometimes I get conflicting advice, like DB coach I talked to couple months ago said to forward along funny little emails to start the 'friend thing' up again. Didn't think it could hurt but I agree that waiting until after I hear something would probable be better. I haven't totally gone dark...I go dark for awhile and then R talk comes up again and back to square 1.

I do like Stronger's advice awhile back though about if he presses for a divorce (on his own, without my bringing up), to say that in good conscience hard for me to do without trying retrouvaille (in the sense she was able to use counselling as her 'thing'). We went to a counsellor early last yr who was just awful. I would position Retro as a way to get closure on a healthy, communicative, more healing note..so he didn't feel pressure in attending. Is Gucci very opposed to this?

Sorry if I don't seem like I'm getting it, I do...I just don't know how he'll react to anything I do/don't do. For some reason I've been more sad the past 24 hrs, when few days before I was feeling confident and OK. Such a range of emotions.

Thanks for weighing in.
Hugs,
hhh

[MrBond]

"I just don't know how he'll react to anything I do/don't do."

You're right. You don't know. So don't even bother.

You can't control him. You can only control you.

Choose to GAL without him. Detach your emotions so his attacks will just bounce off of you. You are the strong one, not him. Live your life as if you were single. Let's face it. Right now you are.

[hhh]

One other thing meant to add ontop of my email above. My mom said last week: "well he wasn't always greatest about 'stepping up to the plate' i wonder if he'll actually do it with this (meaning file)" So who knows?

But in terms of the whole 'agreeing philosophy' it's gotta sometimes backfire, right?, like if I acquiese 'ok, i can't stop you..' etc and don't try to use Retro or any other method as a way to delay/see if there's a chance to turn around...it might just make it easier for him and he goes ahead and does it. Then what? I agree and sign and the marriage ends?

Thank you stuck for your words above, I am trying to stay strong...it is hard...I was feeling so confident and fine last week and just cried a lot last night.

Hope you are all well.

[MrBond]

Thank you. All is going well.

Don't worry about your feelings changing moment to moment. We've all been there. They don't call it an emotional rollercoaster for nothing.

That's why the first thing you need to do is take care of yourself. Do what makes you happy right now. He's not there, so you need to find other things and people to occupy your time and get you support.

We are all here for you. My prayers go out to you.

(((stuck)))

[gucci loafer]

But in terms of the whole 'agreeing philosophy' it's gotta sometimes backfire, right?, like if I acquiese 'ok, i can't stop you..' etc and don't try to use Retro or any other method as a way to delay/see if there's a chance to turn around...it might just make it easier for him and he goes ahead and does it. Then what? I agree and sign and the marriage ends?

Nothing I have ever seen "guarantees" success in turning a relationship around. NOTHING. Including agreeing, pressure, OR Retro. So, yes. It could "backfire" (your term, but not necessarily mine) Personally, I don't want to be in a relationship OR married to someone who doesn't want to be with me. They are FREE to leave. Their choice. I won't stop them. Wouldn't even consider it. As I said. Pressure doesn't work.

If you want to try "pressure" (Retro, fighting a divorce, etc.) then that is your decision. From my long experience and observation on this site and others, I haven't seen much success in that method. This site is filled with people STILL waiting. Some going on two years or more.

That being said. EVEN if you do agree with him on the divorce issue and he then does move forward on it, there is no reason you can't tell him that you have changed your mind and would like to try Retro before agreeing to what he wants.....

My experience on this issue is that you are going to try the "pressure" route first. Go ahead. I believe you are going to hear what you don't want to hear. Give it a go. Maybe he will. My take is that he won't. My take is that he thinks his mind is made up.

I also think that we need to exclude "another woman." Not "women", but a specific woman he is interested in. IF he does happen to have one, then you would be wasting your time. Some people can't face that there is that possibility. This site has a few that are in denial. I wouldn't exclude it in your case yet. It has the all the makings of being a real possibility. Very few men that I have observed or known over many years don't usually leave and want out without a "specific" other interest in their life. They will deny, lie, cover etc. Anything but tell you the truth. Most women who can't face it usually want to call it MLC or they are in depression. Men usually say their wife has stress or it's her hormones, or she is in depression or any number of excuses because they just can't face reality and the truth, no matter how much evidence to the contrary. The VAST majority are in an affair with another person. That is fact.


That's my opinion. Take it for what it is worth to you.

[hhh]

Hi Pearl,
Sorry if I annoyed you, it's just been a tough couple days and I need to get my confidence hat back on. Hope you aren't too frustrated w me...I had just gotten advice before that friendly emails are ok (as long as not too often), plus he's emailed to check in on me and my family so was just thinking of giving this as an update, not to bring up R or anything.

I hear you...I'll wait. I think I spent too much alone time this weekend and am going to try to visit friends this week, I've just been missing him much lately.

[hhh]

Gucci,
I hear you and appreciate your advice and male perspective. It crushed me to read about the other 'woman' but I know it's a possibility...he told me he 'was interested' (in someone/dating? i dont know) awhile ago. I know he likes the attention he's been lately, especially w his modeling gig on the side..he's become very 'heady' lately, which only helps him walking out on his marriage.

From what I hear you say, it sounds like there is no hope left for this. Maybe I'm hurting myself waiting and hoping, and trying different tactics. Some folks on this site seemed to have things turn around even w OW in the picture. Some don't. Maybe I am in a bit of denial still. I know there are no guarantees, I just want to feel like I have done all I can. I just feel so heartbroken.

Yes, maybe he's for sure decided that it's over. Maybe nothing I say or do will make a difference. Maybe I should just get on w my life. I feel so in limbo. Will showing him my best self and confidence and everything make a difference? maybe not.. I guess there is nothing I can do to make him reconsider. Some folks say that realizing what they are losing (when you move on), has made the other party turn around. But maybe not. I just hope I have the strength to get through this.

[pearlharbr]

Tough days happen to everyone, I just don't want you to give in to your emotions of the moment. Before you do anything take a moment and ask yourself if what you're about to do will help you reach your goal(s). If not, don't do it.

I understand about getting conflicting advice. Honestly, my DB coach steered me in the totally wrong direction. She was helpful in understanding the situation and figuring out what was different between when we first got together and the bomb dropping, but the actions she recommended only hurt me more and set me back a couple months. Once I realized it wasn't working for me I adopted a different plan of action. So I don't want to discredit what your coach told you but I urge you to evaluate if what she told you to is working for you--have you seen any movement in your sitch? How do you feel about yourself? How has H responded? If there hasn't been positive movement then it's time to try something new.

I don't think Gucci is saying there's no hope for your sitch. What you do have to understand that thre's no guarantee for anything in life. You could DB your butt off and do everything humanly possible and your H could still decide that D is the only answer. Does that mean you shouldn't try? Of course not. But that is why everyone here keeps saying that DBing is for you to make you the best person possible. If your H recognizes that and decides he wants to work on the M then that's an added bonus.

As heartbreaking as it is, you should try to ascertain if there is indeed another woman in the picture. You don't need to know all the details but it makes a difference. You have to know what you're dealing with in order to deal with it properly.

Get back to GAL activities and figure out what the best possible hhh looks like. I used to have a song that ran through my head: "Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again."

And yes, if you're in town on/around 9/22 and want to get together I will take you out for a drink! No pressure, I know many people want to maintain their anonymity and I get that. But if you do want to meet up then send a gmail to pearlharbr (hint hint).