Looking For Help

[Looking_For_Help]

Today the W is very detached from me. I'm hurting really bad. On one hand, I wish I never opened myself up to such hurt and disappointment again...on the other hand I'm trying the best for my kids. I cried all day today until I went dry. I need to detach from this situation and begin GALing again. It seems like I'm back to square one (early May).

Any advice out there?

I'm starting to plan for the future. I plan on purchasing the house from my W. A good buddy of mine, a developer, is going to help me secure a home loan from his lender. My buddy keep's asking me why I'm so sad to lose a woman who doesn't want to be with me anymore. I know, he's just trying to lift my spirits and confidence. He's seen the pain I've been through the last year or so. He firmly believes that I'll find someone else better suited for me. It's just that any new woman isn't my wife (if that makes any sense).

Anyways...maybe my W never files. My mom keeps telling me it's not over till it's over. She praying non-stop for me.

-LFH

[givingitmyall]

Hey, I got your post on my thread. Just finifhed a run and have some stuff to do. I will post back her later tonight. I also want to go back and look at your prior posts too.

Just do the best you can to keep your head up and be strong.

Back later.

[Looking_For_Help]

The kids were just put to bed.

I had additional conversation with my W. She said that she doesn't have time to file this week...but it will happen the following week. The only other option she's giving me is that we stay as roomates until the kids go to college.

I am in shock that she's willing to give up half her time with the kids. Like my brother told me...W and I each will miss out on 7.5 years of our daughter's life by the time she goes to college. Talk about perspective.

As W was going out to the gym, I reminded her of her commitment to retrovaille as a last resort to save our marriage. Well, I believe this is last resort time. She asked for the dates.

Does anyone have experience with retrovaille? Does it help?

Thanks,
LFH

[givingitmyall]

Ok. Just went back through most of your thread.

So, she's said she was going to file before, right? Then says she wants to try. Then says she wants to file agains, and sounds serious this time though.

Question is, what do you want assuming she files (safe assumption right now)? Custody? House?

Simply b/c she files does not mean she will follow through with a D. But, at this point, you have to assume that D is what will happen. Go ahead and go to the worst possible scenario. Then realize that even there, you are going to be ok.

Now for the present. This is where you are going to have to be strong. Pray, pray, pray, pray. Then keep working on you. Even though you are at what I am sure a pretty dark possibility, you never know what will happen. You have to keep you honor and wits now more than ever.

Shift your GAL'ing into hyperdrive. You really have to stay occupied with healthy things. Do things for yourself. Reconnect with some old friends.

Man, I wish I had some great words for you. If it were me, I would think I have to move on, at least in my mind. If she comes back, then maybe, MAYBE,, I might want her back. But, I'm not holding my breath. And I would focus on making myself the very best father I coud be under the circumstances.

And, it's ok to grieve. Just don't do it in front of her.

I'm praying for you. Hang in there.

[sandi2]

Hi LFH, I am so sorry about the lastest turn of events in your MR. I thought things were going to work out and it still can b/c I am like your mom....it's not over till it's over.

I kept seeing one thing pop up over and over again and that was how both of you are scared as who'd of thought it about getting hurt again! The two of you sound more like a couple who are afraid to walk down the church asile to get M rather than two people who have been in a MR all these years. Don't the two of you realize that as long as we love another person that there is always that "risk" of being hurt? Some people hardly get through a day that they aren't hurt a little bit. It depends on a lot of things but you know what I'm saying.

Isn't it so sad to know that there are two people here who declare they love each other but had rather break up a family and miss out on all those years of their children's lives rather than risk being hurt by the other one?! Stop and think about what you are saying!

I usually think it is good if a LBS can think of a future and moving forward with plans without the S, but it concerns me how you have seemed to have this attitude since the beginning that if she filed for a D that it would be okay b/c you knew you would not have any trouble getting another woman. I don't know....I hope you are right. I just think it is so sad that the two of you do not see how your love for each other and your children deserve to take the risk of being hurt. What if the "risk" paid off? Why do the two of you have to look from the negative side?

Anyway, I hope that something will change her mind and that you will give this more time and work. You said you felt like you were starting back to May, but when you think of a period of four months compaired with the rest of your lives.......

BTW, I haven't been to that retreat, but I have heard great things about it and it would certainly be worth the effort if it could change hearts, don't you think? If she would agree, I think you should go for it.

[Looking_For_Help]

Hello GIMA and Sandi,

Thank you very much to responding to my posts. I knew I could count on you guys.

My W has agreed to attend Retrovaille (I believe Oct 16). I have heard great things about this retreat. I pray that it brings my W and I onto the same page. I wish it were sooner that Oct 16.

During our conversations, she told me that I "shot down" her attempts at working things out. I mentioned to her that her attempts came across half-hearted. She was still looking at real estate at this time. She bought NFL football tickets for me and my son (and it was very nice of her), but I didn't need material things to make our relationship work...I needed one-on-one quality time. I gave her the 5 Love Languages book 3 weeks ago to read and she only got through part of it. That is the only thing I asked of her...just to read this book... and spend quality time with ME. I don't think that was shooting her down. My mistake was that I should have accepted anything she had to offer at the time and just be patient for the other things to come. Hindsight is 20/20. I hope she can still open up again.

Sandi and GIMA: what should I do during the next 7-8 weeks while we wait for Retrovaille? I'm thinking about acting as if everything is working out. This takes the anxiety out of my day-to-day interactions with my W. Also, should I take her Retrovaille acceptance as a positive or is she just trying to lessen the guilt she has over this whole situation?

Please provide any guidance or support if you have it. I could use all the help I can get. I'll even accept step-by-step instructions to help me get my W back. Please continue reading my stitch.

Thanks,
LFH

[givingitmyall]

Sandi and GIMA: what should I do during the next 7-8 weeks while we wait for Retrovaille? I'm thinking about acting as if everything is working out. This takes the anxiety out of my day-to-day interactions with my W. Also, should I take her Retrovaille acceptance as a positive or is she just trying to lessen the guilt she has over this whole situation?

I would take this time as an opportunity to work on you. Stop any and all pursuit and become the happiest person any woman could be married to (don't over do it though). Stay busy doing fun stuff with your kids - make sure W knows she may join you - if she doesn't, go anyway. Really work on getting closer to your kids. Continue GAL'ing, being a happy father, PMA, detach, detach, detach, and back off any requests of her, like this:

I gave her the 5 Love Languages book 3 weeks ago to read and she only got through part of it. That is the only thing I asked of her...just to read this book... and spend quality time with ME.

Noble intentions, but still pursuit behaviour b/c you are making requests of her (expectations connected to this as well). You have to focus on you and let her get comfortable being around you again. She will not do this if she perceives you are making demands of her. Remember, she is ready to leave. You making demands upon her, or you trying to explain to her why she's wrong, are NOT going to make her want to come back.

Also, should I take her Retrovaille acceptance as a positive or is she just trying to lessen the guilt she has over this whole situation?

Who knows. It's mind reading, and you have to stop it. You aren't focusing on you. Work on you, the only thing you can control, and let the rest go for now. Otherwise, you are just setting yourself up for more pain if it doesn't go the way you want.

I'll even accept step-by-step instructions to help me get my W back.

I understand your feelings on this, but this is not the goal. The goal is to work on you, and let's see what happens with the M. I do know if you don't make your focus YOU, the MR stands little chance. This gets back to detaching. I don't see any way to have a chance at the M working if detachment, true detachment, is not part of the process.

Not trying to be snarky. I just think you have made some progress, and you had a little backsliding with the requests upon W (keep in mind she will see these as demands, not requests).

I would take the next 7-8 weeks and really focus on detaching. You HAVE to let go of getting hung up on what will happen with the M. I know that sounds (a) crazy and (b) couter intuitive (why else would we be fighting for a M if we detach?). But, you have to detach if you want any chance to have the M work. What you will find is that detaching is not giving up, it's just getting you ok with either result. That will give you strength to deal with whatever comes. She will see this. It is attractive behaviour, and it will keep you sane.

You can do this. Just re-focus your effort off the M and on YOU. And keep it there.

[Looking_For_Help]

Thank you GIMA.

Yes, I have to go back to the DB basics. I see this now. I was so close to having my W working on things with me and I blew it. But it's not over yet!

My W did proclaim just 3 weeks ago that she loved me and wanted to be with me. It's hard for me to believe that's changed. It goes back to your "feeding the squirrel" analogy. I had my W feeding, but I scared her away. I just gotta try again.

Just as an aside...I find it amazing on how detached I was just 3 weeks ago just to find my self re-attached and hurting again. It felt like I wearing a suit of armour and it didn't bother me what my W was thinking or doing. Just simply amazing! Now that's all gone to pot. I wonder if detaching is faster the second time around.

Thanks a bunch,
LFH

[givingitmyall]

Just as an aside...I find it amazing on how detached I was just 3 weeks ago just to find my self re-attached and hurting again. It felt like I wearing a suit of armour and it didn't bother me what my W was thinking or doing. Just simply amazing! Now that's all gone to pot. I wonder if detaching is faster the second time around.

Were things going well at that time (sounds like they were)? It's easy to "detach" when things are going well. Tough when they aren't.

That's ok. Just recognize you have some more work to do to detach. You really have to be ok with things not going well. I think you only know if you are ok when you are tested for the first time when things go south. Just keep working on it. You'll get there.

[Looking_For_Help]

I detached 3-4 wks ago soon after my W made the following comment to me: "I'm only staying around to be with the kids." It was then that I felt things were over. So to answer your question, I detached when things were at their worst for me. It was then when I became selfish and started thinking about what's best for me going forward. I allowed my self to re-attach when I felt things were starting to get better, that is, when my W wanted to work on things. I hope this clears things up a bit.

Also, I later found out that my W was only saying this to hurt me...that it wasn't true and that she really did want to be with me. So it's hard for me to judge when my W is putting up a strong front or when she's sincerely genuine with her words and actions. She's an extremely stubborn individual. I now realize that is why I need to be extremely patient during these times.

During lunch today, my friend is going to take me to a Christian bookstore to purchase a daily "miracle" prayer book. She says that it is at these darkest moments that I should be EXPECTING a miracle from God. Either God will "knock some sense" into my W to work things out or He will give me the strength to become an excellent single parent and make things better for me going forward. (these were her words). This friend of mine...she's like my little guardian angel.

Thanks,
LFH