UPSIDE DOWN and struggling badly.

[Sanderika]

Hi Nell,

I have been lurking about this weekend, not really posting.

Got issues here to deal with.

Please do not contact H. If you do not hear from him, let it be.

You have gone even further in your description of your H and his state of mind. I am even further convinced this is a MLC.

There is nothing you can do right now to bring him out of it. It has to be his journey. The OW is a product of it and he will tire of her and move from that relationship eventually. That is why you should not give it too much attention. Very, very few of these MLC affairs grow permanent.

You are doing well by working on you. It is understandable how difficult this is and you are entitled to days like this past weekend. The more you get out there the better off you will be. The more you GAL and practice a PMA behavior the better and quicker you will adjust to the sitch.

IMO, going back to the UK could produce:

Scenario #1: H decides after a short period of time that he truly misses Nell, the distance (going completely Dark and Detached) from Nell makes him realize he wants his marriage and pursues Nell to return.

Scenerio #2: H loves it that you are gone and gets along quite nicely without you and follows through with the sale of the home and it enables him to have the OW or whomever else he chooses and your marriage is over.

I have said this to you because there are always two or more possible outcomes to everything with a MLC H. I want you to realize that you cannot predict his behavior or manipulate the outcome of your choices, H is in a land of aliens. Aliens are not predictable because we know very little of them and likewise we know very little about the MLC H mind and what makes it tick.

Your best plan is to DB for you, DB your surroundings. H will and is noticing. H will like what he sees. With your changes it is hopeful to bring him home.

Your H is living in a personal h*ll right now that is a definite. We all have learned that while it appears they are happy it is really the very contrary. Their life is full of storms. Their minds never stop either. The lighthouse (Nell) is a welcome sight. The only way to make H calmer and forgiving is with repeated behaviors. H has to learn to trust Nell and feel it is safe again. They are very guarded with their emotions. Time and patience will draw them back.

You also must keep in mind that it may only be to bring about a friendship. I guess that is where I am at. I am wondering if I am only to ever get to the friendship stage and this is the end of the road for me. I am sorry, I am feeling down.

Nell carry on with hope, please have no expectations.

I stress to you to get busy because I do not want you to be where I am 4 years from now. I have come to realize lurking about that the quicker this is resolved the better. The longer the MLC continues the harder it is to reconcile a marriage. My sitch has lasted way to long. I do not really feel in my heart that we can overcome this. We have grown to be very different people. Time I suppose can also be a detriment.

Keep your chin up (((((Nell)))))...Look and move forward. You are doing better than you think you are.

Sanderika