Okay just to recap a couple of things I really need some extra help with today:
1. Do I ask if H wants to join me at the movies tomorrow night, feel I should but don't want to appear pushy or needy.
2. The latest issue with housing I will need to address with him, since he will be contributing and hopefully is coming with me as that is the vibe I am getting after yesterday.
3. Since H initiated ML yesterday, should I or could I initiate now as well, or am I best to leave it alone now until he initiates again (once again fear of scaring him away). He used to complain that I didn't do that enough, but in the months leading up to his dropping the bomb I was always the one to initiate more so than him.
Oh and he has just emailed me to ask if I still would like the push bike he was getting for me through his work, once the bomb was dropped he didn't mention the bike any more.
As bike riding is something I have wanted to do, I am treating this as a 180 for me (going and doing something that I want to do with or without someone to do it with), so I have replied that yes, I would still love the bike as I still fully intend to go bike riding.
Okay just to recap a couple of things I really need some extra help with today:
1. Do I ask if H wants to join me at the movies tomorrow night, feel I should but don't want to appear pushy or needy.
2. The latest issue with housing I will need to address with him, since he will be contributing and hopefully is coming with me as that is the vibe I am getting after yesterday.
3. Since H initiated ML yesterday, should I or could I initiate now as well, or am I best to leave it alone now until he initiates again (once again fear of scaring him away). He used to complain that I didn't do that enough, but in the months leading up to his dropping the bomb I was always the one to initiate more so than him.
Oz, Just to quickly respond: 1. It's a toss-up about whether to ask him--there are pros and cons both ways. If you decide not to, just tell him you're going out, and look happy about it. If he asks where, you could use my favorite response: "Oh, that's classified." (accompanied by a little smile) Of course you could answer him straight, but then you lose the mystery factor.
If you decide to invite him, do it like this: "H, I'm going to see [movie title] tonight at 7 p.m. You're welcome to go with me if you like." This way it's clear that you are graciously offering to let him join in with your plans, and you are going ahead regardless of what he decides. Don't be surprised or upset if he declines, though--that is relatively likely. If so, just carry on as planned without him.
2) I might call it differently if he weren't going to be financially involved, but regarding the housing, just explain the snag as succinctly and unemotionally as possible, then say, "I am doing x, y, and z to get this worked out. Do you have any other ideas to resolve the sitch?" Shows your strength, but also allows him to participate if he chooses (some people, especially men, really like to be asked for advice, although too much dependence can be wearing). I wouldn't move without my cats unless I were hauled away by force--they are like my children.
3) I wouldn't initiate ML again just yet, especially since you were doing more of that right before the bomb and it didn't stop it from exploding. If he initiates, you are free to participate if you find that it brings you closer together and you still feel good about it later. But remember that it is supposed to be in the context of a mutually beneficial, caring R. There are mixed feelings on these boards about whether ML w/WAS is a good idea under the circumstances in which most of us here find ourselves, but my take on it at this point for you is that initiating might not be the best thing right now, especially since they usually pull back some right after they have gotten closer to you. It's not a steady progression--more like a stutter step!
Hope that helps!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Thank you so much, my internet has just come back up thank heavens.
As far as ML goes he initiated yesterday, so will follow advice and leave it as is to see what happens.
I feel that he is watching me closely tonight to see if my behaviour has changed any, which it hasn't and now I know how to handle the movie situation I may ask tonight as he would normally not get home till 8.30pm after work and the gym.
Not exactly sure of his mind at present as you say they pull back a bit after getting close and I have been there done that, so need to remain strong.
Back online, yay, I felt so disconnected when I couldn't get on here.
H initiated yesterdays little daliance, but really needed to know how to handle it from hereon without upsetting anything and scaring him off.
The problem with it is, is that you feel great and connected then they generally pull back from you a bit, so once again you walk the tightrope of balance. I have been down this road 3 times and I didn't want to get the day after wrong again.
That is why I rely so heavily on my wise friends to steer me in the right direction so I don't stuff it all up.
Will hop over to your post now and see how you went today.
As a side note, I think he may have pulled back a bit but not to the extent as last time, he is still a bit quiet but is at least sitting in his old position on the couch near where I sit.
So will ride it out like last time, but gee it is such a bumpy ride and I can see why you need the patience of a saint.
The general rule of thumb I used was that anything positive H did I enjoyed in the moment, but then let go of immediately after. It helped me let go of expectations based on that behavior.
When H and I were sleeping in other bedrooms during our sitch, he'd sometimes initiate ML. Of course, I'd purchased lovely new jammies that I wore around the house as I started winding down to bed...and he watched...and he gave in. I almost laughed out loud the first time when he said, "This doesn't mean we're back together," or some such rot. I played it off like, "I know, that's cool." I even asked him if he'd prefer I return to my bedroom...after we'd just had great sex. And he always stated he'd like me to stay. But then, the very next night, I'd just make plans to slip right back into my own bed.
I think for now just let H initiate these things. Smile to yourself...continue to take care with your appearance and GAL. There's a light that's gone on in you, your H has noticed, and he finds it attractive.
The way I'd handle the movie is by way of information..."Oh, H, just wanted to let you know I'm going to see a movie tonight so I probably won't be home when you get here. Of course, if you're interested, you're welcome to join me." He then responds yes or no...if no, the response is, "No worries. Have a lovely evening!" Big, breezy smile. And then you go to your movie, maybe stop off somewhere else on your way home (glass of wine, bookstore, coffee, something) so you're not home exactly when expected. Creates that mystery, and you'll be more relaxed when you walk in the door.
Listen to Deep about the rental...I think that's spot on advice.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Of course you could answer him straight, but then you lose the mystery factor. 