As is his wont these days, H confronted me as I lay in bed last night.

"My mother is in a bad way and its all because of you. She`s crying on the phone saying she thought, of all her kids, I`d be the happiest one. But I haven`t been happy for the past fifteen years"

Sigh.

My fault.

But I listen and nod and validate. Its previous conversations rehashed, though I do ask him about rooting through my handbag and my phone. He flatly denies either.

Now I am very very positive that only he was in the house when my bag was searched.And very very positive it was searched. And only he had access to my phone either.

But honesty is so not his strong point.

He says he`s heard out in the community that he had a mental problem. "Do you think I need a psychiatrist?"he challenges. I dont know where, how or who he`s been talking to but I could see from the change in him-physically and mentally that his work mates might have been gossiping. But I don`t go there.

"I have no idea what to think" I say. But I`m definitely not going to the doc now even if he`s in terminal depression cos he`ll smell a rat a mile off.

He starts to get angry and walks out.

An hour later I go downstairs to him. I just tell him I am sorry for my part in all of this. I am sorry for not listening, for being critical of him in the past and for not making him feel loved and cherished. I wish him well and wish him a good nights sleep.

I am calm, not tearful, he just looks at me, says nothing. That`s ok. My intention is to own my part in our downfall.

A few minutes later he`s back upstairs. What is that all about he asks. I tell him I just wanted to say sorry for my part in things, that therapy has not being all about me feeling good in myslef but that the therapist reflects on his POV too. That leads to another rehashing on his part of the past. I say as little as I possibily can. Just let him talk.

He tells me its okay for me. I`m looking so well. I`m moving on with my life. I`ll be fine.Everyone will tell me how great I`m looking when I return to work(he has a thing about appearances) and that I`ve past him out. I tell him I`m not trying to pass him out. It`s not a competition.

And I get why couldn`t I have done all those things before?(because I didn`t know about divorce busting-but I didn`t tell him that!)He reminds me of a letter he sent to me for my 40th telling me of things I should change about myself. (I remember;I was very shocked and upset at the time-utterly callous)He says he could have written more but was afraid to speak his mind(!)

I`m wondering what in the hell have I married. A blatant liar, with an anger management issue, an oedipus complex and a complete inability to empathise.

But I keep my mouth shut.

His talk is interjected with lots of"its too late now". and he finishes with his first direct reference to separation"I`m going to find it so emotionally upsetting hving to divide up all the assets"

I look at right into his eyes and say nothing. He leaves.

Its convos like the above that completely take the wind out of my DB sails. Yes, I`d like to keep the family together for the kids` sakes but I`m seeing so little to admire in the man right now.

Progress?He leaves before getting angry. No bad language. He didn`t appear to be psychiatrically unbalanced. He spoke a lot.I shut up a lot. I listened. I validated what he had to say. I apologized for my failings.I set a boundary on his rooting through my bag and phone.

Now if only I could point him away from picking at old wounds, that would help. Stock phrases for that anyone?

Oh and he said "Hi" first this morning.Yeah, usually its me. Pathetic bit of progress.

Thanks, Snodderly! You`re dead right. He`s been trying to suck me into his drama so I`m not going to his doc.

I`m over to your thread now, D to see catch up with you. Thanks for posting!