I really hesitate to respond to you because I see you using religion as a crutch to justify his manipulative behavior. But, having put up with manipulation for 13 years I will set it aside. He is manipulating you, like he has for years, and will for years if you let him.
I'm guessing he has set you up to live in his reality. When you stray from his reality he knows how to pull you back into his reality. Once you are in his reality, it sets you into a panic. Know that his reality is false and in the real world it makes no sense to others. For further info see Patricia Evan's book, "Controlling People."
I could go on with my history, but it really means nothing. I just have one long comments. My BF's mom told me when I became engaged, "Do you like his parents? Because who he is today has nothing to do with who he becomes. He will become his parents."
She was right. My husband was a fun loving, open-minded, great guy when I met him. Today, he is his parents -- an angry, bitter, martyr. And if you ask him who is to blame for his change -- it's me. When I ask him to go consult our past two marriage counselors, that he picked, for opinions about who's to blame for his happiness he says, "They will only side with you because you lied to them." I say, "No, they formed their opinion on our behavior and our words. You blew it the first time. So we tried again with a second person. And you called it quits because she was starting to calling you out." In truth both marriage counselors told me, "He's broken and unless he goes for individual counseling, he'll keep blaming you and stay broken." It is what it is.
My H knows he has demons and he knows he doesn't want to face them. For years, I made it easy for him to blame me. I made it easy for him to pull me into his crazed reality. But I now have -- call it what you like -- my GAL, detachment, real world so he can't put me into a panic anymore. And for the first time he's beginning to see that I'm not interested in fixing him any more. He also is figuring out that his clock is winding down. So faced with these facts, will he act after 13 years? I doubt it.
Let the religion go. Make a life. Show your children what a healthy marriage is. Do it for your children. You have no loyalty to a mistake -- really!
