Need Advice, WAW wants to give it a month

[aliveandkicking]

Yep, not surprising. I think that has been a big factor in Thinker's sitch too (me being presumptuous).

[trrose]

what that my wife wont get second opininon, or post partum stuff?

[Deep]

Hi Trrose. Wow, this thread moved fast! I was reading up to around post #5 maybe yesterday and it's on page 5 now .

I don't think the lack of sexual interest is necessarily indicative of an A, although it certainly COULD be. I went through the same thing in the earlier stages of my M troubles (before the appearance of OM). A lot of what you, AAK and SD posted sounds so familiar. My W told me of her frustration, that she wanted to be married to a grown man for starters, one who took an equal share in the family responsibilites, providing security and purpose. It's not the point whether she was justified feeling this way, it was the way she FELT.

In fact, it was only when OM started entering the picture that our sex life went majorly off the scale. I had trouble going to work sometimes due to the frequency and intensity. (As a man of course, it's a devilish hurdle to get over later thinking your W was screwing your brains out due to some other guy). I would suggest that any sudden changes in her sex interest warrants some thinking about.

She has possibly lost respect for and "connection" with you. It would help explain how history can be re-written in her own mind, and also how she finds it hard to contemplate being intimate with you. Being men, it's natural for us to think that we should be having more sex to find that closeness back.

For myself, after the A officially stopped (but W was still in WAW and wanting OM mode). I insisted on doing stuff to try and re-kindle the spark - the same one she felt we lost long ago and might never get back. I planned trips away for just the 2 of us on anniversaries and birthdays, recruited family to take care of the kids, dated her at least once a week. Don't get me wrong - it ws hellishly difficult, and I alternated between that and detaching when I felt I had to. It was also immensely frustrating to hear her say time and time again that it wasn't working, how she feels nothing when we kiss, how pressurised she feels when we DO kiss since she knows I'm trying to get that spark back for us.

But one day, somehow, a switch flipped somewhere. I'm not saying it'll work for everyone, but far into our healing efforts, when W was feeling in love with me again, she did thank me for forcing her to spend time together, and to try to put together time and circumstances for intimacy. It was very awkward for a long period, but looking back, she felt it really helped me find her way back.

Needless to say, your W's state of mind now makes her vulnerable to predators even if there is no OM currently ...

[Thinker]

You are right, in particular this:

[He didn't force her and he would have respected her if she did in fact say NO and meant it wholeheartedly.

and this

something inside of her really enjoyed this aggressive behavior on his part, something unexpected, something exciting, something maybe she's been missing for quite some time.

I had been receiving subtle hints on this second part for a while.

the main question in my mind was timing - "is the sitch ready for this, or would I just do more damage and suffer a painful rejection" - That's where the final acceptance of "What's she going to do, Divorce me?" comes in. I am truly at the point where I have no desire to go back to our old marriage, and would rather proceed to D than stay in limbo where we are. So what did I have to lose?

In my sitch, one of the major R issues was / is my inability to calmly hold difficult conversations with my W. I would either retreat into silence, or lash out with angry criticism. Either way I lost. The more our R went downhill, the more my W controlled things as I tried to keep the peace in the M. The more I gave up things to keep the peace and try desperately to hold the M together, the more respect my W lost for me.

[aliveandkicking]

what that my wife wont get second opininon, or post partum stuff?

Postpartum.

Oh, and I strongly believe that sexual issues are prevalent and correlate to childbirth and mothering an infant for many if not most women. It would be helpful for her to be cognizant of that (though you probably can't suggest it right now).

It seems that therapists and counselors really miss so much of the obvious.

[aliveandkicking]

And of course, I am too tired now to answer robx's post...not that you're all waiting with baited breath but I did promise...I will get to it hopefully tomorrow.

[givingitmyall]

not that you're all waiting with baited breath

AAK, don't be too sure about that. Not saying that to rush you. I only mention that to underscore how important it is to us men to get a female's perspective on what exactly is likely to snuff out the W's attraction to us DAM's. I know that is present in my sitch as well, and I would venutre to guess it is present in an overwhelming number of the sitch's on this BB.

I have been following this thread and can tell you I AM interested in hearing what you have to say.

[trrose]

For myself, after the A officially stopped (but W was still in WAW and wanting OM mode). I insisted on doing stuff to try and re-kindle the spark - the same one she felt we lost long ago and might never get back. I planned trips away for just the 2 of us on anniversaries and birthdays, recruited family to take care of the kids, dated her at least once a week. Don't get me wrong - it ws hellishly difficult, and I alternated between that and detaching when I felt I had to. It was also immensely frustrating to hear her say time and time again that it wasn't working, how she feels nothing when we kiss, how pressurised she feels when we DO kiss since she knows I'm trying to get that spark back for us.

Deep, that is incredible...i have some questions for you...and in fact everyone:

1. How did you find out there was OM?
2. How were you able to get over it?
3. How do you feel confident in your mind that it wont happen again? For all the others out there..i wouldnt mind reconciling with my wife but what i dont want is to go thru this every yeat or 5 years.

4. as an aside...and im sure most of us LBS get this. my wife said that everytime me cuddle, she feels "pressured" to have sex. I find that so weird especially since we havent had sex in 5 months and the sex life was sporadic prior to that.

[trrose]

In my sitch, one of the major R issues was / is my inability to calmly hold difficult conversations with my W. I would either retreat into silence, or lash out with angry criticism. Either way I lost. The more our R went downhill, the more my W controlled things as I tried to keep the peace in the M. The more I gave up things to keep the peace and try desperately to hold the M together, the more respect my W lost for me.

its so lame how we have to revert to "dating" behavior and play hard to get to get our wives interested in us again...my wife didnt work on anything for the last 5 months and now that i saw an atty and we had a realtor to the house..she wants to slow things down.

one thing is for darn sure. i want to save my M but im not afraid to end it...she will probably jump my bones! (lol)

[trrose]

Oh and one other thing...to make an assumption...but a fair one...i live in NJ/NYC...there are plenty of single women looking for nice guys. so many women who wanted to have kids but never had the chance

I have to assume that if you are on this site, you qualify..

there can be another life...we can have happiness