UPSIDE DOWN and struggling badly.

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks for that reassurance (((Cas))). I am fully expecting that if he has been with OW this weekend then he will up the ante again when he comes down during the week. The thing is, our finances were managable when he lived here but now that he is a WAH, he has doubled all the bills by taking a rented apartment. He says that is my doing as I made it untennable for him to live here with me, whilst (he was) emotionally separating. I just don't think that he should be putting financial pressure on me, as well as everything else, at this time. I blamed his taking an apartment on having to set up his love-nest and he tells me that is my paranoia kicking in ... go figure! I don't see why I should be pushed up against such a financial wall just because of his adulterous behaviour. What is also angering me is that he has borrowed money from his parents to accommodate this secondary lifestyle and now he is pushing me to sell our home so that he can pay them back - as well, of course, as move on in his life.

Thinking things over at the weekend (yes, every second is agonising when you imagine that WAH is with OW), I have come to conclude that they are meeting every second weekend.

When you have known someone for so long, as we have, you can tell if they are hanging out with someone new - things that he says and the way in which he says them are NOT him. I have accused him in the recent past of spitting out 'someone elses' poison - it appears that the tramp is drip feeding him stuff to emotionally kill me off with and like the fool he is currently being, he's complying. This is just not him - this is not my H. He would never behave this way - and yet he is. He says that he does not discuss me with her (and vice versa) but she has been in my home, she is aware of who I am and she even told him that she felt 'threatened' when they had only met once, at that time! I reckon that the tramp has her claws well in to him and he is lapping it up because his wife is so neglecful of him - usual MLC story, no doubt. Knowing my H, he's in this for the long haul and it is breaking me ... I think that maybe I should just accept what he is saying and realise that things, for him, are dead between us. Would it be any easier on me if I just gave up? I doubt it but maybe acceptance is where I need to be ...???

I struggled to sleep last night, was awake early again this morning. I rushed to see if there were any emails from him. Nothing. This tells me that OW is either still not departed interstate or he has not had time to catch up with his email - either way, a hurtful scenario. I know that I should not be thinking this way as we can not second guess what is happening. These thoughts kill me and I am going in to a downward spiral again. Thank goodness that today is counselling day.

Last night I tried to finish Five Love Languages but I couldn't get to grips with it. I think that there are some good messages there for those who are still living together but it's almost irrelevant when you are separated and have such little contact with WAS. I felt much the same about Mars and Venus too ... there were some good things in there but I was mostly 'flicking' as I couldn't settle to anything.

Likewise, my C suggested Passionate Marriage but that seems to be for when your life is back on track and you have a M to be passionate about! For my money DR is the best for me at this time, but despite how often I re-read it, I'm not getting the message of how to carry out the techniques. It is so counter-intuitive, as most agree, and I am struggling. All I have learned is that with H feeling that I have neglected his feelings over time, to go dark and have NC would be the wrong thing for us.

I don't want to ask him what day he is planning to visit this week but I want to be emotionally prepared. It's ten days since I have seen him and I long for him being here again. Thing is, after a few hours he disappears and I feel like I am starting from scratch again .. it's just so hideous waiting for almost two weeks just to be thrown a scrap. I have asked that he spend time with me one weekend but that was ignored. I won't ask again as I see that is needy and pursuing behaviour, not allowing him time "in his cave to stretch his elastic band" and I am trying to go 180 on that emotion! H has no real reason for calling this week so it will be interesting to hear how he leads the way.

I have had such a tough weekend. I don't know how I got through it to be honest. It's only this forum which is keeping me sane right now. As always, thanks for being here and allowing me to vent my massively over-inflated spleen