You do just have to put your head down and gut it out sometimes, especially while you are working on detaching. It will come with time.
GAL'ing with others is a great ides. Both with your D and occasionally without. Let your W be the one seeing you leave for the evening and let her wonder where you are going and who you are with. What's good for the goose...
I know it's hard right now, but you can do this. Once you detach, you will look back and understand why it is so important.
I must say today has been a true test of my strength..
We had to go to a friend of ours baby shower, and an old friend of my W is there. A well tanned body builder. She spent most of her time "catching up" with him.
Then a few friends of ours are coming up to me that I have not seen in a while and start saying. "Oh, your W was just telling me your getting a divorced, I am so sorry!"
I spent my time playing with kids and badminton with the guys and somehow have kept a game face...
Man its tough to keep in a good mood. Somedays I don't get how she looks at me and sees such a bad guy....
Enough ranting for today I suppose.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Then a few friends of ours are coming up to me that I have not seen in a while and start saying. "Oh, your W was just telling me your getting a divorced, I am so sorry!"
That's cold blooded man. Sorry.
Just take a deep breath, and then let it go. File it under the heading of things that suck and over which you have no control.
Keep working on you and detaching. Let the rest take care of itself.
I did let all that go yesterday at the party, and just had a good time playing games, having fun with kids and friends.
Then we left to leave with d8, and W goes "Come on we have to get dad home because he is old and tired"
You know, I did not like that comment as a way to try 'lighten' up my d8's mood so we could get her home.
On way home d8 was tired, and completely threw a fit like I have never seen her do before. She knows that we will likely be splitting up, and I wonder at times if that has an impact on her when she acts out like this. She's never acted out like last night before.
After putting her to bed, I went for a walk, and I decided I was going to tell my wife not to be disrespectful to me to my d8 like that when she said we need to go home because I was 'old and tired', and that my d8 may take that as not a 'joke.' I was not being disrespectful in the way I stated it to my W, but wanted to let her know I did not appreciate it. I was not looking for any apology or anything, just wanted to state how I felt.
Of course my W says I was flying off the handle and she was just 'joking' and yet another reason we need to get D soon. This led to a way to long discussion on our R, and where she is at. I heard all same stuff as before, she doesn't want me ever to touch her again, we won't ever be a couple, she needs this D to move on, she needs and deserves her freedom, etc. Rehash of same old stuff, and we should no longer do anything together as a family as it's too hard.
I didn't let any of that bother me, but I should have stopped long before she got into all that. After letting her vent for a while, we actually had decent chat, I explained to her how I feel about love, and why I was sticking around up until this point, that for me, love is a choice.
We got into feelings and emotions as well, and I firmly believe now that emotions and feelings are reactions to our thoughts, and love is included in that.
She's of the opposite camp, that we can't control how we feel about people, and that if don't love someone, it won't come back.
It was an interesting conversation in the end, and when I got up to go to bed, she actually said 'good night' to me.
Who knows, I am at a loss for where this is going, I am firmly believing that we'll probably wind up divorced, if that's the way she feels.
Last edited by iwantittowork; 08/24/0902:06 PM.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Have not posted in a couple days, but I think I am going to need some expert advice/help here.
Went skydiving yesterday, and that was as completely uplifting and exhilarating as I thought it would be, but today some stuff has come up that supersedes that.
Talking to W this morning, and I am going away Sunday night for a week for work at the W says to me, why don't you get laid while your over there? I told her, sorry I am a married man and not interested in that.
Too me, that's a way of her trying to push off her own guilt about something, saying that to me, so I pushed her a bit, and she has admitted at least that someone at her gym has been asking her out. Of course, she says that she has not, and will not be going out with him.
However, I understand that someone showing her that kind of interest, with her in the place she is, would be at least EA like territory. Thoughts? I am on unknown ground here, and while I don't see the signs of an A, wondering if I should get investigator to really prove it?
I am kind of at a loss as to what to do next. Today, I am supposed to spend all day with her and my d8, and somehow need to focus on d8 to keep PMA.
Anyone at all with advice here, please chime in..
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
I think tis is puppy, coach or sandi territory! But I have read that a spouse might admit some A type activity, and when they do, it's usually a level or two below what is usually going on. Not trying to scare you, but that's what I've read. As for the PI, that's your call and up to your judgment.
As for the contact, does the guyknow she's M'd? I would think this is a boundary issue. I would insist that that contact stop. Can she find a new gym?
Her comment about you getting some on the side, well, you are right to suspect that she is covering something up. That isn't normal.
Again, I don't want to freak you out, but I would keep my eyes wide open.
I can't tell you how disgusted I feel right now after spending the whole day with her, and keeping a PMA all day.
The level of disrespect I feel right now, her not wearing her ring, and acting like a single women while I commute 4 hours a day to provide the house she lives in while doing so makes me nauseous.
Who is this women that is supposed to be my 'wife'
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
I can't tell you how disgusted I feel right now after spending the whole day with her, and keeping a PMA all day.
The level of disrespect I feel right now, her not wearing her ring, and acting like a single women while I commute 4 hours a day to provide the house she lives in while doing so makes me nauseous.
Who is this women that is supposed to be my 'wife'
Deep breath. You might suspect, but you don't KNOW right now. Until you KNOW, you are just making yourself miserable.
You have been at this long enough to know your current W is not the W you M'd. She is in the FOG.
Sorry GIMA, I am just venting here, and I have not said anything to her, it is just the whole sitch in general.
I am actually glad I am leaving tomorrow for a week, I need the space to clear my head of this crap and find more time for me.
I felt so exhilarated yesterday after skydiving and to have to come back and know that what the W admitted too is probably far from what has actually happened.
I just don't know what to do next. She wants out of the marriage, and she's packing her stuff from our room.
She did thank me for taking her to the cirque do soliel show and dinner with my d8, and I told her I was glad she had a good time, but man I just didn't even want to look at her, so came to bed. My d8 is sleeping with me in our bed tonight, as I am going away tomorrow.
My thoughts are kind of random here, sorry, just a tougher day than I was expecting.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
