Need Advice, WAW wants to give it a month

[aliveandkicking]

My wife claims to have no sexual desire for me...but does desire to have sex...(translation i want to have sex just not with you...touching)

she also says that she wants passion, intimacy (the MC said she is not capable of it)...when i mentioned there are ways to recreate passion, she said, "when did we ever have it?" I had to remind her we were pretty passionate before the wedding and things seemed to slow down after

Oh, well that explains it. You're married to MY wife.

As you see, there's a clear pattern in these things. So don't take offense when people press you on the question of her possible interest in another (or, as my WAW liked to put it, her "distraction"). I resisted the inquiry, too -- so imagine my surprise when I learned that @robx and @Puppy Dog Tails and @everyone else who asked "is there OM?" were validated by WAW herself.

Smiley, with all due respect, he is actually not married to your wife. We have to be careful to impart but not project. Not all WASs are the same.

AAK, I think this was just an honest attempt at some humor on SP's part: sometimes he succeeds, sometimes.... I thought it was kind of funny (SP's Wild Wild West & European Comedy show).

AAK you are right, not all WAS's are the same but there tends to be commonality that exists with their mindsets & rationalizations. Will all WAS's have affairs... probably not. 100% would be unrealistic. I don't know what the % but if I'm a betting man I think it would be pretty high, 60-70% I don't think would be unrealistic, I think if anything my guess, if you could actually get a real figure from some statistics somewhere, would be on the low side.

Oh, hope I didn't sound to harsh, SP and I are friends.

My only issue with this topic is that often it is easy to point to OM when the on the verge WAS may have very deep and very valid reasons for feeling as they do and the LBS may really need to look at his/her part and the variables within the R. Don't know if that makes sense.

My H at one point told me he was convinced that I must be having an affair because I wasn't into having sex with him. It was ridiculous. Our marriage was not working, our finances were a mess (some of the TCB I brought up)...the sex, when we did have it was really anticlimactic and of course, he boiled it down to that I must be boning another guy if I'm not interested in him. I see it as a very male mindset. I wanted a healthy sex-life but it was hardly the first thing on my mind. More than that, I wanted a feeling of security and partnership and yes, that I was with a grown man.

I want to answer all of the other questions too. But, need to concentrate to do it (pretty distracted but interested in this thread)...

SDFound- I related to your post very much...similar sitch.

[aliveandkicking]

I have to chime in with a caveat here. Thinker had a) pretty much accepted the likelihood of divorce and b) laid down the law with his wife...

There is a path that lead to that moment.

At least in my sitch, that wouldn't have worked in and of itself.

Yes there is a path that led to that moment.
He had a good enjoyable evening with his wife in a relaxed environment, they probably flirted with each other a bit leading up to this, subtle looks, maybe the occasional touch, smile, good conversation, they were comfortable with each other. Thinker was confident, he displayed it with his body language, she was receptive which she communicated with her body language, he tested the waters before hand so to speak to see if he was on the right track, he rec'd some more hints & clues along the way and gave some more of his own: he pursued her, stopped a bit, pursued her again, etc.

He didn't force her and he would have respected her if she did in fact say NO and meant it wholeheartedly.

He listened to his instincts and he was rewarded with his wife's affection accordingly and I'm sure something inside of her really enjoyed this aggressive behavior on his part, something unexpected, something exciting, something maybe she's been missing for quite some time.

Does any of this make sense or is it all rubbish?!

Yes it makes sense. But, the path was longer and so was the back story. The sexual tension had built up for so long and Thinker had turned the tables on her and she had submitted that she did not want to lose their M. That is an incredibly heightened situation emotionally. They hadn't had sex in eons and it came to a head (sorry ;))...I have had that kind of sex and it is awesome but unsustainable if the other issues are not handled. Been there, done that.

This isn't the "How to get your wife to screw you once or twice" forum, right? It is the "How to save your marriage" forum...

Regardless, in light of all of the other work that Thinker has done and the changes he has made...that move was the manifestation of something legitimate, not some formulaic strategy for getting laid.

And, I don't doubt that you agree...

[SDFoundGirl]

I agree, there definitely was a path, and unless the other conditions were in place, it wouldn't have worked.

It does no good to go up to your WAS and do something like that...but for where my H and I are in our process (we're both committed, both have been working for a long time to improve our M and will continue to do so), something like that would keep me more interested in our sex life. However, if the other stuff weren't fixed...well, I think I'd just want to punch him.

I respect my H now as a person (since he's TCB and put on his big boy pants), so that sort of sexual advance would be amazing. So I guess the applicable piece for you guys who were wondering what was in our minds is that the other garbage has to be taken care of BEFORE we feel like having sex.

So...your W says she's not sexually attracted to you anymore...what's missing? In what other ways aren't you meeting her needs as a man? An A is not THE problem; it's a symptom of the issues in the M. Lack of sexual attraction isn't THE problem; it's a symptom of other issues in the M, especially for women.

What have your W's said in the past? What would you say are your issues?

SD

[trrose]

Oh, well that explains it. You're married to MY wife

I happen to agree that alot of the situations are very similar...throw in an EA here take away a PA there, degrees of this and that. the patterns cant be ignored.

but to be fair...perhaps there are patterns in the LBS behavior. it does take two and while we spend alot of time saying how we are married to the same woman...THEY may be married to the same guy (woman)

Im also not offended that people think my wife is screwing around becuase i understand how that is a logical conclusion, but it is possible that she isnt..( if she is i would like to know so i can end the M because that is a deal breaker for me).


One thing i do know is that my wife is currently communicating with me more than any time during this process (will it last? who knows)

SHE suggested that we write down what we need in the relationship and also have another list of what we each did to bring us to this crises.

for my wife this is a big step becuase nothing is ever her fault (will it last? who knows)

Perhaps she senses that im tired and am prepared to end this thing..i do want to save the family but it isnt a suicide pact.

the best case sceanario is that the marriage is saved...if it doesnt shake out this way i hope to learn a lot to make me a better man for the next relationship

[robx]

- this is all excellent, I'm really glad that alot of valuable information is being exchanged, the right questions are being asked and the right answers are being revealed.

Let's do some more discussion on those specific needs you want your men to take care of. What are the major pet peeves? (listing doing the dishes and taking out the trash isn't what I'm looking for either)

[trrose]

So...your W says she's not sexually attracted to you anymore...what's missing? In what other ways aren't you meeting her needs as a man? An A is not THE problem; it's a symptom of the issues in the M. Lack of sexual attraction isn't THE problem; it's a symptom of other issues in the M, especially for women.

What have your W's said in the past? What would you say are your issues?

Here is a partial list:

1. didnt communicate constructively when something was bothering me./
- i would withdraw when my W would nag instead of confronting the issue and how it made me feel
-i would dig at her at times instead of expressing my anger

2. i should have listened more instead of offering solutions

3. can lose my temper when my W says something that i disagree with or when i thing she says something outrageous
4. i tend to exaggerate at times and can be dramatic
5. prior to my W dropping the bomb i did not help out enough around the house with the cooking and cleaning..not fair to her since we both work.


Im sure i can think of some more

[SDFoundGirl]

Here is a partial list:

1. didnt communicate constructively when something was bothering me./
- i would withdraw when my W would nag instead of confronting the issue and how it made me feel
-i would dig at her at times instead of expressing my anger

2. i should have listened more instead of offering solutions

3. can lose my temper when my W says something that i disagree with or when i thing she says something outrageous
4. i tend to exaggerate at times and can be dramatic
5. prior to my W dropping the bomb i did not help out enough around the house with the cooking and cleaning..not fair to her since we both work.

Holy cow, I could have listed all of the above complaints about my H except for #5. And for me, #1 was the biggie. Once that was taken care of, the M moved forward DRAMATICALLY.

SD

[trrose]

well it looks like we are all married to the same people! i would be curious from others if they have similar issues...

Funny but when we went to MC everything went straight to hell. i started out wanted to do anything to save the M. by the end i wanted to throw my W under a train.

I dont understand why MC isnt more helpful...everyone tells basically the same story!

[aliveandkicking]

trose- noticed you have two very young children. Many marriages struggle after second child (mine sure did)...

I am not sure what you can do with this information, maybe just know that W still has hormonal stuff going on and it is overwhelming to balance everyone's needs...no excuses, just relating.

And I am looking forward to tackling robx's questions. I'm not one who finds it easy to be succinct so later tonight when all is quiet, I want to address it.

[trrose]

thx..it is really tuff.
the one big issue that i have with my W is that is think she may have a form for post partum...while she is seeing a T and a Pych(md)for drugs, i asked her to get a second opinion on the meds and treatment and she refused.

I asked her to get 2nd opinion bec when i told my MD what she was on and the dosage he thought it was a very large dose and said she should get 2nd opinion.

this is a major issue for me