Yes, I have a BNP mother. It is, and always has been, all about her. Somehow, you'd think when they got to be 80, maybe they would just be normal. But it's not in the cards.
Rejoice in your new sitch, but tread cautiously. I am very jealous, but I'd hate for you to backslide now!
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Thanks Orich, but no backsliding for me - maybe for my sitch, but not for me. I'll probably screw things up, and fall down and injure myself, and I may hurt my W and damage my sitch, but if so, I intend it to be from going forward, not backsliding.
I'm counting on my friends here to keep me honest about 2 things: 1) I do not want to go back to my old marriage. I have no interest in it. I can now clearly see that it was as bad for me as it was for my W.
2) I would rather proceed to D than stay in Limboland. In my sitch, limboland is only a slow destructive downward slide as Mrs. Thinker loses more and more respect for me and continues to look for an exit from the M.
That being said, there is only one way forward - strong stands, tough decisions and courageous discussions, none of which have been my past areas of strength.
So this is not a comfortable area for me to be in. I haven't walked this part of the DB path before. Time to go back to school.
@SmileysPerson and I once had a discussion about living life in and loving "the gray" - the area where life is not black or white, but somewhere in between. I am finding suddenly that life in the gray is OK. I can do that. I can be ready to walk away from my M, and be pursuing my W - AT THE SAME TIME - and that's OK.
I can also simultaneously see that things COULD be good in the future with my W, love her, AND clearly admit how bad things were in the past and see they could be equally bad in the future. Several months ago I almost panicked when Mrs. Thinker said "I don't see much chance of things improving, and if they don't, then I think we need to make a decision and proceed with getting divorced" This morning, I said this very thing to her - almost verbatim, and meant it. When, in the same discussion today, she talked about how bad things had been, and for how long, I agreed with her, and then corrected her. The starting date that I remembered for things going bad was actually 6 months earlier than the one she mentioned.
From the discussions I have had with Mrs. Thinker, I can also see that right now she does not want to get divorced. This is a big change from past months where I was the one desperately trying to hold on, and she was the one using D as a club to beat me with.
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To be clear, I do love Mrs. Thinker. She is a wonderful woman, who is confused and scared, and who has been hurt by the way we interacted with one another. She is in a lot of pain right now from the past and pending deaths in her family. I really wish her the best in the future, and truly hope we work it out. I would love nothing more than to be in a committed and loving marriage with the beautiful mother of my children. I am not, however (friends keep me honest here) going to sacrifice myself for her "happiness".
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So an update from today.
After the discussions above, and after a pleasant morning at church, I got dressed for the gym and on my way out the door, ran into Mrs. Thinker puttering about the kitchen partially dressed. While in full aloof DB mode, I would have just ignored it (and have in the past), but this time I joked:
"Wow, holy cow, what are you trying to do to me!"
She ignored me and the timing didn't seem to be great for me to do any more, but I was still feeling frustrated and aggressive with my sitch, so I continued (no longer joking as much):
"Mrs. Thinker, if you want to live in a platonic relationship here, then you are going to have to cover up around the house, otherwise I am just going to have to drag you upstairs and take you"
She laughed and I stepped closer and said "I do want you, you know that!" - she laughed again and said "Go to to gym!"
Later in the day she initiated snuggling with me, and after a while said quietly "You know, it is really hard for me still. Sex isn't going to suddenly make it all go away. (long pause) It does make things better though. "
And with that, she gave me a look that said "GREEN LIGHT"
...and so I
...and then we
...well, you know.
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We have a long way to go. Our M is still on the bring, and (to paraphrase Sara) we can still snatch Divorce out of the jaws of reconciliation here.
I have been in a place that felt similar twice in the past 8 months, and in both cases Mrs. Thinker ran away again. In both cases it was because I thought things were on their way up and changed my actions and scared her off. I don't want to do that again. I don't want to go back into limbo - which as I already said is worse than D.
Thanks for your support here - and for keeping me honest wit myself.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
@SmileysPerson and I once had a discussion about living life in and loving "the gray" - the area where life is not black or white, but somewhere in between. I am finding suddenly that life in the gray is OK. I can do that. I can be ready to walk away from my M, and be pursuing my W - AT THE SAME TIME - and that's OK.
"