HELP!!! I need my DB brothers and sisters!

[missmyfriend]

DSM
If I think about it, I know that I am not losing the kids. It is the missed moments that I hate not being a part of. I was so fortunate to have had the kids for the past 3 years. I appreciate that if their mom had to leave, she didn't take the kids.

Since their mom left, I have encouraged them to have a R with her and to forgive her enough to be willing to accept her reaching out to them. I have tried to explain that her actions does not mean she doesn't love them and at the same time, say that you don't leave your children. For a while, they blamed themselves but I am pretty certain they dont anymore. I am trying to help them build confidence in themselves.

Your final piece of advice is great. I need to remain patient and I need to continue loving them no matter what.

forward
It is challenging. It is more pain than I could have imagined. And I was totally miserable when my XW left.

When she left, she dropped taking care of the things kids need for school, their activities like scouts, etc. I was happy to get more involved, although it was challenging on my own. I don't know how single mothers do this. They should receive awards.

While I had a lot of other people recommend I start dating or get more active elsewhere, I found that after dealing with all of the activities that my 3 children were involved with and my workload from my job, extra time was spent doing fun things with the kids. Also, I have left a lot of things that need to be done to the house by the wayside. I need to catch up there. While I have concerns about what my life will be like, i.e. filled with when the kids are out of the house, I am not worried. I know I will miss them then but that is a normal change in life.

At this time, my focus is how to have a R with my kids if they are living full time at their moms.

Millicent
Hi W8ing! I do remember you! How are you doing?

Thank you for reading my post and sharing your concerns. I agree. I am not interested in involving the court. In fact, I hope that never is required and I don't think it will be. I can state she doesn't want the courts involved either. I also don't want the kids feeling guilty and coming back home for that reason. At the same time, I want them to know how badly I want time with them.

They are so worth it.

Stuck
I understand what you mean about not giving the kids to her in the first place. And I appreciate you being straight with me. I like to work on myself, evaluate what I have done and make improvements.

My kids are at the age that it is challenging to hold them back. I have encouraged them to have a R with their mom, even when they were spitting nails with anger toward her.

The agreement for 50/50 was to be put in place if either she or I were not happy with the arrangements. She seemed completely content with having the kids every other weekend until our D decided to move in with her last March. I was completely taken by surprise when our S-14 decided to stay with her as well just one week ago.

I do think it is important that the kids live with me at least 50% of the time and I will be speaking with them more over the next day or two.

I will not disagree that I am emotionally tied to my children. I have not detached from my XW as much as I had thought. At the same time, family is everything to me. Most people would think me daft for not moving on permanently from my marriage as it has been legally ended.

I haven't given up on her. I have known her for a long time and while she may never come around again, she is worth it too. When I said that I love her and said I would not stop through sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, etc etc, I was serious. When I have had R end with others, I had no desire to pursue someone. I felt if they were done with me then the best course of action was to move on. Although I have never been married to any one else as comparison, I believe that would be the case with my XW if I felt that she was truly done with me. There are still sufficient actions, although rare, a past that cannot be explained away and knowing that she has had a past that has haunted her, requiring therapy and questionable choices that she is still making.

While I agree that I have been allowing her to cake eat, I have tried to balance out showing her unconditional love while protecting my children. The current laws do not see her doing anything that would be considered damaging to the children. On a moral stance, I have a lot of concerns.

I would love to have her respect but i think that it will be a long time coming.

Thanks for your comments.

mmf