My wife claims to have no sexual desire for me...but does desire to have sex...(translation i want to have sex just not with you...touching)
she also says that she wants passion, intimacy (the MC said she is not capable of it)...when i mentioned there are ways to recreate passion, she said, "when did we ever have it?" I had to remind her we were pretty passionate before the wedding and things seemed to slow down after
Oh, well that explains it. You're married to MY wife.
As you see, there's a clear pattern in these things. So don't take offense when people press you on the question of her possible interest in another (or, as my WAW liked to put it, her "distraction"). I resisted the inquiry, too -- so imagine my surprise when I learned that @robx and @Puppy Dog Tails and @everyone else who asked "is there OM?" were validated by WAW herself.
Smiley, with all due respect, he is actually not married to your wife. We have to be careful to impart but not project. Not all WASs are the same.
My W said the same thing. Wanted sex and to be held, but not by me. Low and behold, there was OM.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I was not the WAS in my M, my H was. That said, I did reach a point where I was not sexually attracted to my H any longer. That's changed a lot now...and the longer I've thought about it, the more I believe I was as close to being a WAS as my H was...he just called BS first.
Strangely, that's when my attraction to him returned.
So, what was it? I've seen a lot of threads on here lately talking about the lack of "manliness," and I think that's what it boiled down to. Our communication was messed up...my H would either roll over on anything I wanted (to avoid conflict...he comes from a D family that had a lot of fighting) or resort to calling me emotional or irrational. (Those were definite fighting words.) I felt like there was never any truth between us, as if we were jockeying for position.
I wanted to hear what my H wanted, but he mostly tried to give me what he thought *I* wanted, no matter what I'd said otherwise. This was done so that I would then "repay" him by doing things he wanted me to do, despite some pretty significant personal roadblocks on my part (social anxiety for most of my life).
This built resentment on his part...afterall, he was being a martyr and I wasn't giving him what he demanded. He didn't listen to me, just tried to push me, and so I fought back. I am definitely the stronger willed of the two of us, and H backed down always.
What made it different? Mostly the fact that my H has stepped up and started being honest about what he wants. We find compromises on things we disagree about, and we listen to and respect the needs of both parties. He isn't being silent and sulking (which is so girly...sorry, but it just is), he's being direct and clear (manly).
Where I think we still need to go is him being more...forceful isn't the right word for it, but something along those lines...when initiating lovemaking. If I'm tired from a long day and you really want to ML, then convince me. Delicate initiation is too easy to blow off. I'm thinking of what Thinker did recently with his W...I read that and thought, Dam*, now THAT'S what I'd like my H to do. That's the way he used to approach it when we were dating and first married. Know why that's a turn on for women? It makes us feel WANTED. Which is a huge thing (I think) for women with all of our weird body issues and societal baggage.
Now, I know if I want things to change, I'm going to have to step up and say something and make some changes myself. It's easier to do that now that our M is better and we genuinely respect and communicate with each other.
Respect from a woman is huge, and it's earned by being clear and firm about what's important to you...which doesn't mean making her give in all the time either. But don't roll over either, especially if by doing that you expect to get something else.
Don't know if this makes any sense. Hope it helps you out.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I copied what Thinker posted yesterday on his thread:
Quote:
I know that I am supposed to "Let the WAS come to me" but...
Last night, Mrs. Thinker and I went to a dinner party together. She dressed up, wore jewelry I bought her years ago and looked great, we had fun, and it almost felt like a date.
We were both a bit drunk, and I was feeling reckless and aggressive.
After we got home, I surprised her in the kitchen with a kiss. She turned away, but I turned her back and kissed her again. She said "You can't MAKE me kiss you" and I replied something like "Yes, I can, but it's more fun if I don't have to." (Not really sure myself what I was trying to say - just me making an off the cuff smart-ass response)
I smiled and went upstairs. She followed and I was trying to ignore her as she got undressed for bed and I brushed my teeth. She walked in and out of the bathroom wearing just her underwear and I made a decision.
I followed, surprised her in the bedroom, pinned her against the wall and kissed her hard.
She looked surprised, then shocked.
...Then quickly she responded and kissed back
...then I...
Well, you know...
---- I haven't been that aggressive in a LONG time, always trying to respect her stated desires - "I don't want that right now"
...but it's time for something different. Besides, what is the worst thing she could do, Divorce Me?? - Oh right, I'm already there.
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
My wife claims to have no sexual desire for me...but does desire to have sex...(translation i want to have sex just not with you...touching)
she also says that she wants passion, intimacy (the MC said she is not capable of it)...when i mentioned there are ways to recreate passion, she said, "when did we ever have it?" I had to remind her we were pretty passionate before the wedding and things seemed to slow down after
Oh, well that explains it. You're married to MY wife.
As you see, there's a clear pattern in these things. So don't take offense when people press you on the question of her possible interest in another (or, as my WAW liked to put it, her "distraction"). I resisted the inquiry, too -- so imagine my surprise when I learned that @robx and @Puppy Dog Tails and @everyone else who asked "is there OM?" were validated by WAW herself.
Smiley, with all due respect, he is actually not married to your wife. We have to be careful to impart but not project. Not all WASs are the same.
AAK, I think this was just an honest attempt at some humor on SP's part: sometimes he succeeds, sometimes.... I thought it was kind of funny (SP's Wild Wild West & European Comedy show).
AAK you are right, not all WAS's are the same but there tends to be commonality that exists with their mindsets & rationalizations. Will all WAS's have affairs... probably not. 100% would be unrealistic. I don't know what the % but if I'm a betting man I think it would be pretty high, 60-70% I don't think would be unrealistic, I think if anything my guess, if you could actually get a real figure from some statistics somewhere, would be on the low side.
I copied what Thinker posted yesterday on his thread:
Quote:
I know that I am supposed to "Let the WAS come to me" but...
Last night, Mrs. Thinker and I went to a dinner party together. She dressed up, wore jewelry I bought her years ago and looked great, we had fun, and it almost felt like a date.
We were both a bit drunk, and I was feeling reckless and aggressive.
After we got home, I surprised her in the kitchen with a kiss. She turned away, but I turned her back and kissed her again. She said "You can't MAKE me kiss you" and I replied something like "Yes, I can, but it's more fun if I don't have to." (Not really sure myself what I was trying to say - just me making an off the cuff smart-ass response)
I smiled and went upstairs. She followed and I was trying to ignore her as she got undressed for bed and I brushed my teeth. She walked in and out of the bathroom wearing just her underwear and I made a decision.
I followed, surprised her in the bedroom, pinned her against the wall and kissed her hard.
She looked surprised, then shocked.
...Then quickly she responded and kissed back
...then I...
Well, you know...
---- I haven't been that aggressive in a LONG time, always trying to respect her stated desires - "I don't want that right now"
...but it's time for something different. Besides, what is the worst thing she could do, Divorce Me?? - Oh right, I'm already there.
Well I would never have thought something like that was possible ;-) (I said this in the most sarcastic smart ass tone possible. I think, again this MY opinion, this kind of aggression is extremely sexual & satisfying to most women regardless if they admit it or not. It has to be done the right way, no one is talking forcing anyone to do anything, it's reading body language correctly, giving off the correct body language yourself and responding accordingly).
OK... I wait to be "attacked" for my viewpoints & opinion's on this thread as well LOL!. Let the games begin! ;-)
I have to chime in with a caveat here. Thinker had a) pretty much accepted the likelihood of divorce and b) laid down the law with his wife...
There is a path that lead to that moment.
At least in my sitch, that wouldn't have worked in and of itself.
Yes there is a path that led to that moment. He had a good enjoyable evening with his wife in a relaxed environment, they probably flirted with each other a bit leading up to this, subtle looks, maybe the occasional touch, smile, good conversation, they were comfortable with each other. Thinker was confident, he displayed it with his body language, she was receptive which she communicated with her body language, he tested the waters before hand so to speak to see if he was on the right track, he rec'd some more hints & clues along the way and gave some more of his own: he pursued her, stopped a bit, pursued her again, etc.
He didn't force her and he would have respected her if she did in fact say NO and meant it wholeheartedly.
He listened to his instincts and he was rewarded with his wife's affection accordingly and I'm sure something inside of her really enjoyed this aggressive behavior on his part, something unexpected, something exciting, something maybe she's been missing for quite some time.
Does any of this make sense or is it all rubbish?!
Hope it helps you out.