It's weird how some days I feel fine and some days I feel lonely. I have been trying to say to myself some of gucci's thoughts above "no pressure, and act as if everything is fine". Is that what 'act as if' means? Act as if you're ok, or act as if you and H will be together again?
I don't want to feel nervous when seeing H again, but I do. I know I can't come across as desperate. If/when he calls I may not call back right away, but I'm afraid then he'll play the 'hard to get/ignore' game right back w me.
Awhile back, when I suggested we spend some time together so he could see the changes/maybe new dynamic between us, he said: "I'm fine to hang out as friends, but I don't want you to get the wrong idea". The DB thing to do seems to start a slow friendship back up, but I wonder if that could hurt my healing process more if there is no chance.
Maybe I'm overthinking things too much. From what I've written in my thread, does it seem like there really is no chance? It's hard to know when hope can hurt or help.
One other idea, I have a cousin who's wife is dying of lung cancer. He sent my fam the most beautiful email about cherishing every moment and living in the now, it was so touching (he and wife had been married 46 years and so he said a comment about this bonding time for them at the end of her life after so many years together). I thought of forwarding it along to H just to let him know, as he'd met cousin and wife many times...I also wanted to share the message in the email w him, about living in the now (might show him how i've changed, b/c one of his complains before was that i could not let go of the past in terms of fights and issues we had). But maybe just wait and hold off until/to see if he reaches out to me upon his return?
Anyways, just thinking aloud. If you have chance to answer any ?s above would be so grateful (in terms of what to do/say if he brings up D upon his return - I want to be prepared and not lose it!) Or how to make him still feel 'manly'?
Stronger, you said your H had papers and asked several times for you to sign. Does this mean he had filed? I honestly don't know how this process works.
Hope you're all well! At least I got a good night's sleep and went for a job this a.m....running most days helps a ton. I also have been reading bits of "how to improve your marriage without talking about it" - the dynamic perfectly described my husband and my situation toward the end...w my increasing anxiety and his increasing temper, and really my underneath desire to better connect (and going about it all the wrong way). I don't know if it's pointless to read this stuff or not, i learn things and it gives me hope, but it seems like it also makes it difficult to 'detach'
ALl of your guidance is great...thank you!!! Best, hhh
