WAH from chaos to peace.

[Startingover2]

R with an alcoholic is tough. They have been so self centered for so long its probably ingrained in them.

How are things this weekend?

[kassie]

I posted on the other as well. More of the same mostly until an hour ago - when I got him to the point where he could finally admit that he has been angry (for 5days) and caused a lot of damage to the R. The move is definitely off for next month and he says he will sign a year's lease tommorrow.

That will mean that we will have lived apart more than together and I am very bothered by that fact. I know it is b/c he has a problem. But how long do I put my life on hold for a person who put me through hell - even when he is making progress?

[bluerain]

Kassie, I think that you put it on hold as long as you want. You are the only one that you ultimately have to answer to! I also think that as long as hes making progress, thats hopeful! But you cant do this singlehandedly. There has to be something to give you hope.

Is the lease on a place for the 2 of you, or is he buying himself another year of stalling?

[kassie]

I don't know if he really signed a lease or not yet. The lease is for his apt ( I own my own home). I wanted him to stay on a month to month lease to give us some flexibility. He says it costs too much for his budget. I am beginning to realize that when he said he was thinking about delaying our move, that he was just angry and when I took him seriously he got more angry.
Stalling is an interesting word, yesterday he showed up at work without his ring on - I called last night to ask him if that indicated his intention is final. He kept putting the question back on me but I stuck to confronting him about it and he said he wasn't sure. He sited his reasons as related to last week's episode. I cut him off b/c I didn't want to continue the argument and just let him know that I heard his answer.
He called back later and left a message saying that if makes me feel better he will wear the ring. I didn't respond.
I am trying to remind myself that he is still in his first year of recovery and has a lot to deal with in therapy before trying to work out our marriage.(Meaning that there will be no marriage to work out if doesn't stay sober and learn to control his anger) He was showing great progress,and it just feels like last week's episode was out of nowhere AND he is still angry about it.
Everything was getting worked out, problem resolution was happening, and he was trusting me more than ever. I know it is easy for others to think that I was just seeing what I wanted to see, but I am not that type of person. I tend to be pretty solid in my assessments of people and situations.

My thoughts don't really matter right now - I was wrong and it really hurts, and I need to take care of myself. I will let him figure out his part. I have decided at this point to set a deadline of Feb. for myself and then file if things haven't progressed significantly. I have very little hope at this point - the guy keeps leaving me - I don't care if he it b/c of his drinking or his anger - he is running out of excuses and time as far as I am concerned.

I just really hate how I feel - it hurts as much as one can imagine.

[kassie]

Found out he hasn't signed a lease yet, has to write a letter to the apt complex - he doesn't do those kind of things during the week. Then I heard the rest of the message from the other night which I thought I had erased, and even tho he is saying we are miles apart right now and he can't live with me, he did make an appt for MC and invited me to show up and work things out over the next 6 months and then take 6 months to see how things go.

Will have to consider the options - I refused his offer to work things out right now after he unilaterally decided to call off the move. I am trying to make a statement about how I want to be treated - I also told him that I don't want to be in any relationship where anger is uncontrolled. Right now there are two reasons I see to go - one is to make my point in front of the therapist which is only an attempt to control him, and the second would be to say that I am still in this game which completely undoes what I said before and keeps things the same. Does anyone see it differently?

[bluerain]

Hi Kassie. Do you think that maybe these things could be more construtively discussed at the MC appt? I dont think that it would be trying to control him, I look at it more as using the therapist to facilitate a constructive discussion about it. And I think that if you were mindful of the fact that you dont want to use this as an opportunity to control him you can make sure that you dont.

[Startingover2]

How is everything Kass? I really have no words of wisdom for you right now. Seems like this is a pattern and you need to make the decision if its acceptable to you or not.

[kassie]

Well, update is this - after a week of not talking to me and threatening to cancel the move home - he admits to overreacting and would like things to be back on track. I told him that I wasn't open to a move this month since he cancelled it twice. I told him that I was never in favor of setting a date to move until we had more time in MC and felt ready. I thought his way of setting a date to BE ready was not how things work.

As a result H has signed another year's lease and asked for some time apart?! Haven't we been apart for a year already?! His thinking is if we haven't figured it out by now - we aren't going to at all. My thinking is that for three years he has been drunk which prevented our getting along and the proof has been recalling how well we have been getting along since he has been sober and in C. I think he needs time to work on his sobriety and we need time to heal and work on our M.

Guess I will spend the time learning how to be alone again.

[kassie]

I've decided that this is good bye. After writing my last post I was reminded that H is the one who keeps walking away. He has problems - yes - but a two year separation after only being married for a year and a half tells me more than I want to face.

If he doesn't understand that walking away, whether or not he means it, is still a choice to leave rather than a choice to stay and work it out. He sees me as the enemy, not the safe haven - he wants distance rather than closeness. He keeps choosing to live apart rather than to work on being together.

There is nothing more that I can do than to let go and accept the inevitable - that my H doesn't want me. So be it.

Thanks to those who have supported me. I am in search of peace.

[bluerain]

Im sorry Kassie. I understand that you need some time away from this whole scene. I would encourage you to come by and give your hard learned lessons to other people here. But Im sure that giving yourself some time will help.

If you are up to it, keep us posted!

Take care Kassie.