I am keeping my cool. I am being like a piece of smooth jazz.Ha ha!
I have mixed it up and am keeping it unpredictable. At first it felt a bit contrived trying to change up my routine but now it is making life fresh for me. I like it!! And unlike before, H never knows whether I will be in or out. I have taken the certainty of my being at home at predictable times completely out of the mix.
I like to be real and part of my problem was that at first this felt like a chess game where I had to plan strategic moves. And therefore not authentic. I would like to think that I am at the age where I don't have to play games and plan chess moves anymore.So much of DB is strategy until you realise that you were in a rut and needed to get out.
And again, what intrigues us about our S so much now? The unknown. The fact that we know little about what they are up to. The mystery. We spend do much time trying to figure out what is going on with them. So, it is time for us to get a little mysterious. I for one am done with trying to figure them out. Let them figure out stuff for a change.
So, my current modus operandi:
- Be unpredictable in my routine. This is a 180 fromwhic I had slipped a little. - Keep my cool. A continuing 180. I will not comment on alien behaviour. I will give it to the Lord. - Detach, detach, detach but always pleasantly. In my case coldness would only demonstrate that things are getting to me because this is my usual reaction when I am upset. Being pleasant will keep you guessing. - Looking hot is mandatory. And I see you staring at me sometimes. - Keeping the lines of communication open and spending time toegther where possible. This may seem to contradict the detaching directive but it doesn't once it is done in a way that is non pursuing. - Praying always!
So much of DB is strategy until you realise that you were in a rut and needed to get out.
And again, what intrigues us about our S so much now? The unknown. The fact that we know little about what they are up to. The mystery. We spend do much time trying to figure out what is going on with them. So, it is time for us to get a little mysterious. I for one am done with trying to figure them out. Let them figure out stuff for a change.
He has been leaving tickets to plays etc he has been to lying around but I have said nothing, asked nothing. I think he wanted me to see them. So I saw them. UH HUH? Ordinarily the old Kara would have asked a bunch of questions but not me, not now. I am just not going there.I am not investing that energy.
This is quite funny. Tuesday night I was going out with friends and dressed in sexy jeans, a halter top, heels and with my hair just the way H likes it. I was spraying on perfume in the bathroom when he passed by on his way out. He stopped, stared and walked down the stairs. Two seconds later he was back at the bathroom door reminding me about paying the newspaper guy. Really!!! We got back home about the same time and as I was in my room taking off my heels he stopped in the doorway and stared.
Well, here's the thing. I have done a hell of a lot of inside and outside work on myself. Coach always says that you will come out of this a better person. Well, I can honestly say that I am a better and more mature person. I know that I am a good catch and any man would be lucky to have me as I now know what real love looks like and is displayed like. I was immature and selfish in many respects but I don't think I am that girl anymore.
And you know what? H will come to me. That is the only way this works. It can't work with me running him down or going to him. I am not going there because I know my worth and I am not that desperate person anymore. He has always known that I want to work on M but he also now knows for quite a while that I am not begging anyone to stick with me. He has to come because he knows what I am worth.
I see love in my future so I am not afraid. I have put everything in God's hands so I am not afraid. All my dreams, my hopes, my unfulfilled wishes. I choose not to let anger consume me. I give it its place and then let it go. The present is good at this moment. And the future is bright and I might just have to wear shades. I am proud of my fellow DBusters and we WILL MAKE IT! (PREACH!!!)
I always enjoy reading your posts, and this was no exception! You are confident and know you've got it going on! I love that your H walked away and then came back to remind you to pay the paper boy... all the while he gets to look at you some more!
Keep it up... you're leaving the future in God's hands, you have no fear and you have become a lady your H would be an absolute fool to leave. You've got him thinking... Nicely done and I'm taking notes!
I am going on vacation next month with friends. Yay me!!!This will be my first vacay without H in a very long time. I am sooo excited and can hardly wait. I really need to get away.
BTW, H started wearing his ring again a few weeks ago. Just on the wrong finger. Oh, well...
H is definitely noticing my GALing especially since I have been coming in at the same time or later than he has. I try my best not to focus on him and what he is doing and I think that this is showing. I have also pushed my dressing up yet another level. Men are very visual creatures and I know what my H likes. And I know he likes what he sees even if he doesn't say it.(Evil laugh)
Well, its the weekend and that is one weekend closer to my vacation!!! I'll be off to the gym in the morning to get the weekend off to a good start. Working out really helps my PMA so I make sure to do it five times a week. I feel like I can conquer the world after I work out.
I must say you are an inspiration in the way you have embraced finding the new Kara, I am trying to find the new me and getting there slowly. Some days I do better than others.
I think I am checking out of the DB Hotel for a while. It was nice being here but....
I need to straighten my head out right now. I had kept a lot of pain at bay because I wasn't strong enough to handle it. I knew that if I started to deal with it , I might cry a river and never stop. Well, guess what? I must be strong now because these past few days I have taken all that pain out and gone through every inch of it. And the residual anger. Hoo boy! Talk about Fun Times!!
I am not bitter but I am cold. And I have said very little to H over the past few days because I simply don't feel like making the effort. And I know that is bad. I just can't seem to shake it. I can't find it in me right now to be having the fun picnic with all my delectable sandwiches on display. I need to get my head together.
And wow...H has brought me several little gifts recently. And done some favors that I never asked him to do. Can you believe it? I didn't even remember that he knew I liked some of this stuff. I was shocked at one of the things he did for me. He hasn't done that since things were normal between us.
Secret? H is not happy. He is not. I have passed by him sitting and staring into space several times and the look on his face is one of absolute misery.If I had a camera I would have snapped a picture and shown it to him. Is his Fabulous New Life Not Fabulous after all? But he gets right up and goes back to it.
He has also done a few little things to see how I will react. But I haven't. I would normally have thrown a fit but I have said nothing. It is nothing that disrespects me so I can let it go but it is stuff that I would have reacted to strongly previously.
I am still not giving up on my M. I am just in a funk right now and I need to work myself out of it. I am detached and attached. I am engaged and disengaged. KWIM? I have to straighten my head out.
